How to Avoid "The Gap"

Freda Mooncotch member for 1 year 25 weeks Send a message

I love to read. Ever since I was little I have loved reading. Some of my favorites were Beatrix Potter, Dr. Seuss, Clifford: The Big Red Dog, and Curious George. Then I moved up to Judy Blume books and The Hardy Boys mystery series. I could literally get lost for hours in my books. I loved the monthly book fair, going to the library, and the book club. Reading for me was a way to escape and dream, to imagine a world that I made up where there were princesses, castles, horses, and far-away places that I had never seen. I loved dreaming and am still a big dreamer today.

In fact, in her book Necessary Dreams: Ambition in Women's Changing Lives, psychiatrist Anna Fels writes, "Mood isn't usually mentioned in discussions of ambition, yet the qualities required for pursuing an ambition are intimately linked to mood. At the least, normal levels of energy, concentration, optimism, social confidence, as well as assertiveness and a sense of capability are all required to pursue an ambition." I credit reading with igniting my dreams and inspiring me to take action and pursue my ambitions. When I read, I dream; if I can dream it, I know I can do it!

Learning How to Avoid the Gap by Dan Sullivan is no exception. Even though it is a very short read, it is packed with useful, achievable information to help you realize what might be getting in your way of self-fulfillment and happiness. Sullivan shares some concepts that are so obvious, yet I never thought of myself that way until it was brought to my attention in this book. Over and over again, I found myself relating to his concepts.

For example, he talks about how many people, myself included, are successful but are unable to enjoy their achievements in life, while others who have the same level of success are extremely happy. I always run into people who have everything in life that you can imagine, and yet they seem so unhappy. They have done things that most of us will only dare to dream about; they are well-accomplished; they have made it socially and financially; they've done it. Yet they are miserable. We all know somebody like this, if not ourselves! Sullivan says that this is common for those of us who are especially talented, ambitious, and successful in all fields of activity.

He believes that the reason for this constant state of unhappiness is that our mind has three capabilities of measuring each experience, relationship, and achievement in our lives. These capabilities are called the Gap, the Actuals, and the Ideal.

What I found to be fascinating is that most of us measure our lives by our Ideal. Sullivan writes, "The Ideal is a mental construct that enables us to come to grips with the future. The Ideal is a picture that we create of future desirable events and situations that enables us to move forward in time. The Ideal does not actually exist outside of our minds, nor is it achievable." Sullivan compares the Ideal to the horizon.

You see, we need our Ideal to establish goals, motivate ourselves, and withstand hardships and difficulties. It is what makes us get out of bed in the morning. Sullivan says that too many of us constantly measure our lives by where we are going (future) or where we have come from (past). Thus we spend a lot of time lamenting in the future or in the past instead of being present.

Since our Ideal is never achievable and serves only to help us establish goals, we are constantly falling short. So no matter how successful we have become, if we measure that success by the ultimate goal, then we have a constant feeling of failure and unhappiness. He calls this "perfectionism."

The purpose of our Ideal is to create goals, and our goals create two Actuals. In a split second your mind creates your life and the goals necessary to achieve your dreams. Sullivan says, "First your mind identifies an Actual 1, which is where you are right now. Then your mind immediately establishes an Actual 2, which is where you want to be when you accomplish the goal....The moment you establish the two Actuals, you are filled with a tremendous motivating energy to move forward." I personally find this true on every level.

The problem lies in how you measure Actual 2 and the Gap between Actual 2 and our Ideal. How we measure our achievements when we arrive at our Actual 2 will determine whether we will be happy or unhappy. Sullivan believes, and I have to say I agree with him, that measuring by the Ideal always leads to a sense of failure and unhappiness. Remember, your Ideal is a mental construct; therefore, like the horizon, it isn't achievable. It doesn't make sense then to measure your achievements against it. No matter how great your achievements are, they will never measure up to your Ideal.

Those of us who learn how to measure our achievements by our Actual 1 (where we came from) will be the happier ones. We will always have a sense of progress. These concepts apply to all of the things we measure in our lives, such as physical appearance, health and vitality, intelligence, relationships, sexuality, possessions, etc.

This book is a must-read. Are You Getting What You Want Out of Your Life? This book brings you one step closer to that reality. It gives you sound principles that are achievable and practical and easily can be applied in your life, your spouse's life, and your children's lives. It creates self-confidence and happiness and teaches you how to live in "the Positive Zone." We will continue to achieve and be successful, but I want to be happy while I am doing it!

Other books of recommendation are How the Best Get Better, volumes I and II; The Gratitude Principle; and The 21-Day Positive Focus.