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When I was a senior in high school I took my first art class. It was a level 1 class so I was the only senior among a class room of freshman. (I had an idiot for a guidance counselor who encouraged me to take more "academic" courses early in high school despite my artistic predispositions.) While in that class I met a guy who I became really good friends with. His name is Justin.
Justin was an amazing artist. His work was very mature for his age, and his talent probably surpassed our teacher's, which was probably the reason our teacher harbored a bitter, jealous rage of his own. Justin didn't lose any sleep over that, though. He just kept painting, kept creating, and even in high school made significant bank selling his work. Even though I was an okay artist, I never had the drive or skill that Justin had, and as we grew older, I certainly didn't have the connections that served to open amazing doors for him professionally either.
It has been fifteen years since I first met Justin. Since that time Justin went to some of the best art schools in the country, studied art all over the world, hob nobbed with artists from all over the world, and eventually transferred his skill in painting and design into jewelry making. Justin is now the principle designer and founder of Subversive Jewelry. http://www.subversivejewelry.com/
His designs are poetic, lovely, mysterious, tragic and like nothing I've seen. Though his style of jewelry probably won't appeal to everyone, each work (in my opinion) seems to tell its own story, fusing beauty, history, glamor and the sublime-which is all so "Justin."
Justin's jewelry is worn by supermodels, is featured in fashion magazines, and is sold in L.A., N.Y., London, and Japan. The scrawny little freshman kid who used to draw obsessive pen drawings has certainly come along way.
He has come such along way in fact that recently, I have wantingly gazed at his website, longing to invest in one of his designs knowing that some of his necklaces cost as much as a full months salary for me. "What exactly am I doing wrong?" is a question that often pops into my head when I think about where my life, and my art is in comparison to Justin's. Then it hits me like a brick in the face... I am JEALOUS!
Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic for the success that Justin has worked so hard for, and I hope that he finds more, but it doesn't stop me from wondering why I can't be like him. Why can't I be focused enough, talented enough, motivated enough, or lucky enough to find a niche for myself and run with it? Right now I am supposed to be re-writing an 'Immigration and the American Church' paper that I bombed, when all I really want to do (at the moment) is go to a coffee shop, go salsa dancing or make purses, but I don't. Nor do I re-write my shit paper. Instead, I blog about how jealous I am of a friend who is (seemingly) living the glamorous life.
I want to be the one with the sweet ass apartment in Manhattan and the pressure and deadlines of "fashion week." But instead, I am still a goddam student living in student housing, stressing over research papers and school debt all so that I can end up with a degree that prepares/qualifies me to do shit I no longer want to do. Don't get me wrong, I chose where I am right now, and at one point this is what I truly wanted. But things have changed, I have changed, and I am realizing that things are not turning out the way I expected, and that has me a little disheveled, spiritually, creatively, and vocationally, which is probably why it is so easy for me to look at someone else and say, "I want what he's having!"
Even as I write this I wonder why I chose to include the theme of jealousy as a "Dissecting the Divine" topic. On some level I guess that my jealousy speaks to a larger issue: discontentment, and to me, discontentment is a spiritual issue. I also have a hard time separating what I should be "doing" with my life, from who I am. Some just do what they do, and that works for them. For some reason, when it comes to vocation, I have this cursed perspective that it should mean something, or it should "feel" right. I just can't do something that I don't love. I know such a perspective is proof of a privileged existence because most people in the world work to survive, period, and they don't have the options I have. There is little to no thought regarding how one's work provides existential fulfillment. I don't know, maybe I'm getting sidetracked from the initial topic, which was jealousy...so, back to the point...
I just think there is something fundamentally amiss when you painfully want something that someone else has, that is likely not in your reach. Maybe my jealousy is really an indication of the fear, excuses, laziness, and lack of self determination that lies at the root of why I don't have the life my friend Justin has. Who knows, maybe my friend thinks that the grass is greener on my side of the fence in my less than 200 sq. ft. on campus, seminary apartment. HA-yeah right.
Sometimes I think I am plagued with the desire to be or do something spectacular which is often crushed with a self perception of my own mediocrity.
If there is a God, this is when I would usually ask her, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH MY LIFE???? If she would only give me a clear answer, then I would know. I wouldn't pursue the wrong degree, or work toward meaningless ends, and most of all, I wouldn't get jealous of other people because I'd have the confidence of knowing my own path.
I can't wait to graduate.
Comments
Login or register to post a commentBeautyMark, This is an
BeautyMark, This is an exceptional blog with so much honesty infused in it. I am glad that you take responsibility and that is so important. You CAN get to where your friend is if you really WANT to.
It wasn't to long ago I was in the SAME boat that you were. Going to school to be a religion teacher, BROKE and looking at the fact that I am going to have to put my son through college!
There is nothing that feels worse then when you can't support yourself or your family. Nothing instills more confidence then when we can provide not only the basic necessities for ourselves but also be able to experience some of life's joys as well. Think the movie The Pursuit of Happyness.
As a single mom at 18, I remember being the one who was on the outside of the candy store looking in. Everyone inside the candy store looked SOOO Happy! I wanted to be that happy. My brothers used to say to me very critically, "You made your bed now you have to lay in it." Looking back now their words were so hurtful but were the catalyst for me to get out of the hole that I found myself in. It took a few years to do that.
I realized that I was where I was at because of the choices I made and where I had come from and some things that were beyond my control. A combination of all of these left me very insecure and with a very low self-esteem. I had no dreams for myself at sixteen, let alone eighteen. I also didn't have the self-confidence to believe that I could achieve anything great. (Great to me)
So my first venture was to open a day care. With the help of my parents I did it! Wow, what a challenge and I don't ever recommend it to anyone. That was a much needed service 15 years ago. Then I realized I couldn't be the director without having a B.A. in education. So, I thought the first step was to get an education. I quickly realized I didn't want to be a pre-school teacher so we sold the day care and I went back to school. I found God and thought I wanted to be a religion teacher, a highschool religion teacher to be exact. I LOVED history and religion. I home schooled myself through the first 18 months and then went to campus. Long story short, I left.
I had an epiphany that while I was going to school to get educated, when I graduated I will have spent twice as much on my education then what I would ever earn! AND I still wouldn't be able to afford to give my son a great education or extra opportunities. This hit me hard and was a huge motivating force in my life.
In one fall swoop, I made a very quick decision, dropped out of school and parked my ass in Barnes and Noble for one year. Every moment apart from work, taking care of my son and responsibilities I read every business book I could get my hands on. I read autobiographies on past presidents, athletes, women and even religious leaders in order to answer "God, what is my purpose?"
After I had enough confidence in myself I then quit my very secure job and went into real estate. Talk about the scariest time in my life! Because I was wet behind the ears in every sense of the word, my confidence really wavered that first year. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to give up! I didn't have a voice. I didn't have boundaries. I had to learn so many new skill sets. I switched offices and markets three times in a matter of 12 months before I settled into the luxury home market. Funny thing is that my self esteem was so low that I started out in bankruptcies and foreclosures. HAH!
IT WAS MY MOTHER (an amazing voice of reason) who told me I belonged in the luxury home market. It took almost twelve months of some very small deals, lots of tears to realize that maybe she was right. Don't get me wrong. I learned so much doing Bank REO's. It helped me when I moved up. In my second year of real estate I hit it pretty big for a rookie. I ended up under Re/Max's top ten agents in commercial properties and had about 10 luxury home properties ranging from $800k to $1.7million.
The rest is history. I didn't necessarily like real estate or mortgages but I was in it pretty deep and the money was good, it has allowed me to start this website which is my TRUE passion. The entire economic upheavals was a blessing in disguise for me. It was the catalyst that made me dream up this site.
You can do whatever you put your mind to. I don't have the answers as to WHAT you are supposed to be doing. It took my quite some time to figure that out for myself because there are so many opportunities for each of us. Pick one and run with it! But there is nothing more destructive than not being happy in your vocation! It is like being in a marriage and you don't like your partner! You spend to much of your life working to not be happy.
One last thought. Jealousy can be a dangerous thing especially when you want what someone else has and yet aren't willing to work for it. It is one thing to be inspired by someone who is driven and determined. They are the rain maker and not everyone is a rain maker. You either become your own rain maker or you get under someone who knows how to make rain and enjoy and be inspired by their contagious ability to make things happen. Skills give you confidence, capabilities give you confidence. Looking into someone's back yard and being green about what they have is dangerous. Be happy for them and reach out to them for guidance and wisdom on how to reach the same level of success.
Most rainmakers are thrilled to share their advice and expertise with others. They are flattered to mentor when they can. They are often turned off when others grab their wings, try to gain from their achievements and knock them the entire time because their jealousy is so deep.
Good luck to you!
Great Post!
XOXO,
Freda
Founder
www.AlphaWomen.com
"Those Who Say It Can't Be Done Need To Get Out Of The Way Of Those Who Are Doing It!"