beautymark75 member for 1 year 10 weeks

When I was sixteen years old I dated a really fun guy who ended up cheating on me with one of my best friends. I really liked him, but we were both young, and after all the crap he pulled, it wasn't that hard to let him go. I have not seen or spoken to him in almost 17 years.

Six months ago, out of nowhere, I got the bright idea to look him up on Facebook. With no surprise, I found him, "poked" him, and we've been communicating over g-chat ever since. Soon after our initial contact, he went through great lengths to apologize for his youthful/hurtful ways. Considering how young we were, I didn't think twice about letting the past be the past.

He is now leading a pretty interesting life in Poland and is working on a PhD in international business. He looks great, and actually calls himself a feminist. (I have a serious weak spot for intelligent men who call themselves feminists.)

He has asked me to visit him in Poland a couple of times, but I am hesitant because I really don't know the guy. He very well could have evolved into a clever con artist/serial killer for all I know. I figured that if I ever do meet up with him again, it should be in a place where I can speak the language should I find the need to escape from him.

On a whim last week, I decided to extend an invitation to the New Years Eve Party my best friend and I throwing when I go home for the holidays. I thought I'd invite him, kind of as a joke because I didn't really think he'd go home for the holidays. Well, he is going home and he is going to the party.

A pit of anxiety has formed in my belly over this because I am about 60 pounds heavier than I was the last time he saw me. That's a lot. That's like the addition of a small child to my body. Granted, many people gain a few between the ages of 16 and 33, but 60 is way more than a few.

I am not interested in rekindling the flames with this guy, but it doesn't change the fact that I don't want to see him in my current state of physical being. The intelligent, logical side of me knows how ridiculous this sounds, and I truly am embarrassed by own vanity. But I can't help it! I actually thought about uninviting him somehow, or lying to him and telling him the party is cancelled!!!

I hate that I have succumb to this kind of pathetic insecurity. Oh how I hate it!!! As if I don't have enough on my plate to worry about. The day after Thanksgiving I joined a gym and am hoping to get at least 4 days a week in from now until the time I go home. I'd love to tell you that my motivation was to get healthy and take care of myself, blah, blah, blah, but it isn't. I have joined the gym with no other purpose than to lose ten pounds before Christmas in order to look fabulous for an ex-boyfriend I don't really care that much about. Do we ever grow out of this crap?