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“I like your dress!”
“Thanks, I like your shirt”
Why do we feel the need to give a compliment the moment we get one? Perhaps it is because it reminds us we should have been doing it all along and we don’t want to seem stingy with our praise. The issue I have with it is that a back compliment feels false and insincere, even if it is genuine.
Whenever something feels forced it doesn’t seem genuine. This is a big one that women have done to me quite a bit and it really gets to me. Why can’t they just take a compliment?
Allison Armstrong writes quite a bit about how one of the biggest mistakes women make with guys is not being able to receive well, whether it is gifts or praise. Men have an enormous propensity for being generous. It is one of the things that should be valued about us, and something we want to be valued for. Of course I’m too cheap for presents, so I lavish praise and affection on the women in my life. It is important for me to be able to do that. Men don’t often communicate their affection well so these gifts, of whatever substance, is our way of letting you know how we feel about you. Learning to accept theses gifts is important because if you voice your unworthiness, or put up a resistance to accepting these gifts it is like you are rejecting how we feel about you.
A back compliment feels similar. I know I am just getting the compliment back because you don’t feel comfortable accepting the original compliment fully. So how do you break the habit? I’m not saying complimenting someone right after they give you a compliment is such a bad thing, however it feels much better if it is something of very different quality than the original compliment. Let’s take our original example at the beginning of the article. I honestly don’t think you really like my shirt all that much. However if you compliment me on something of a very different quality it does feel genuine. For example,
“I like your dress!”
“Thanks, I really like your sense of style.”
Bad:
“Your quite funny!”
“Thanks, you are too.”
Good:
“Your quite funny!”
“Thank you, and I have to admit I enjoy seeing your handsome smile while you laugh.”
Remember compliments are meant to make someone feel good, or at the very least show your appreciation of someone else. Compliments shouldn’t be a knee-jerk response, almost in defense to another compliment.
Comments
Login or register to post a commentThis is a really interesting
This is a really interesting post. Strangely, it is the second time today I heard the same message!! The universe must be trying to tell me something.
Let me explain.
Earlier today a very well respected and seasoned professor at my school, Dr. Gibbs, shared a few words at my staff Christmas party. The theme of our party was "The Gift of Christmas." He talked about how Christmas in a western (especially American) context has adopted this idea of giving gifts at Christmas even though there is nothing biblical about the practice. He explained that from a biblical perspective the point of Christmas is about receiving a capital "G" Gift not giving little "g" gifts. He went on to say that it takes as much if not more grace to accept a Gift as it does to receive one. Now, I'm not trying to make this a religious issue, but I agree that his point and yours are important ones to consider, at least for me anyway.
It got me thinking of all the reasons why it is hard to receive gifts, especially the intangible, non-material kind (the big "G" gifts"}, like unconditional love, appreciation, affection, or compliments.
For many years anytime men complimented me I couldn't receive it because I was so used to being lied to and betrayed by men, that I could no longer tell the difference between a genuine nice gesture and a manipulative tactic, or boldfaced lie. It has been a long road for me in repairing the wounds that make it difficult to trust or accept all kinds of good things, especially good things that come from good men. It is still really hard because accepting something as simple as a compliment involves vulnerability, and vulnerability involves the risk of being hurt. It takes a long time for some us to be up for that kind of risk. Sadly in our efforts, well, in my efforts to protect my self from the bad, I also shut out the good.
Over the last couple of years, I have made an effort to accept good things without making a knee jerk back compliment, or a knee jerk compliment killer, which in my opinion is an effort to level the playing field so that you don't "owe" anyone anything.
Example:
Guy says: You look nice today.
I think (suspiciously): What does he want from me?
I say: Yeah, but I feel like crap.
You see how that works??? It's a bit different than a back compliment, but such a comment totally rejects the nicety, and I come off looking like a totally insecure Debbie Downer, even though I'm not! It's really a defense mechanism.
But getting back to your point, I think that throwing a back compliment happens when just saying "thank you" feels awkward because...
a. deep seeded insecurities, make it impossible to actually believe the compliment
b. you are too jaded to think that men give compliments for any sincere reasons.
Either way, it is a sad state of affairs and and a serious cause for concern when anyone can't receive the good things in this life, even if it's something as simple as a "I like your smile."
Anyway, thanks for the post. It is well received ;-.)
BeautyMark. You cease to
BeautyMark. You cease to amaze me. I think you speak for a large part of women. It is difficult to take complimentts from most men because it feels as if they come with a price. Many times it is also the way in which the compliment is delivered, the tone etc.
Great comment. Thanks.
Freda
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Compliment
Being single for lots of years I learned a simple secret.
Men love compliments. Just go up to any man and say I like your tie , jacket ....
You will be surprised at the male ego.
They love it. And will also 99 percent of the time have a long conversation with you.
They will ot come back with a negative.
Don't be Afraid of the Compliment
I concur with the back compliment idea. I used to feel it was my obligation to give a compliment back once I got one. But then people would start "back complimenting" me and I'd feel like they were only doing so because I gave them one. So I stopped. And I don't feel weird about it. My mother always said, "Don't do anything expecting to receive something". So when I give compliments, I give them genuinely, not with the hope that someone will pay me one in return and inadvertently boost my ego. Women have a need to be nurturers. We want everyone to get along and for everyone to like us. Sometimes we do this to a fault. It takes time to learn that it's ok to take a compliment for what it is.
Gwen Jimmere
www.TheDuckWalk.com
Just because you can take a punch doesn't mean you have to stand in front of a fist