member for 33 weeks 4 days
Independent empowered women are embracing their assertiveness not only in business but also over their own sexuality. Roles are reversing; recently a good friend of mine sent her boyfriend flowers, my roommate asked out a guy to go skeet shooting, and I often have women approaching me in the bars. Women are becoming more and more confident and assertive, while men aren’t sure whether to be intimidated or attracted to confident women. When does confidence attract and when does it intimidate?
It has never been a more confusing time for men and knowing how to date an empowered woman. When the roles reverse and a woman is more confident or as confident as a man, male insecurities are inevitable. Men have work to do; we have to embrace the masculinity that the modern feminist movement has emasculated out of us. We have to grow a pair. That means stepping up our confidence. A confident woman doesn’t want a submissive man; she is secretly hoping to find a man even more confident than she is!
I was breaking up with a girlfriend a while back and she stabbed me with a harsh criticism. I wasn’t assertive enough for her. I tend to be pretty laid back about things and while I saw her point, I also saw how she emasculated me in her own head. I was new to the city and didn’t know where to go or what to do, so she often chose what we did together. She told me she wanted me to be bolder about choosing where we went. The interesting thing was that I often did that and conveniently those were all the nights she chose to pass and spend the evening on the couch. Those were the nights I wish I had decided to go anyway and leave her sitting on the couch by herself.
When is it okay for a man to be a man? When is a woman too assertive? The final verdict is going to be different for everyone. Men need to embrace the confident assertive energy that is masculinity. This includes being sexually forward and dominant. A strong confident woman wants nothing more than to have a dominant man in the bedroom. While a man loves when an empowered woman enjoys sex and is assertive in the bedroom, as soon as that assertiveness leaves the bedroom he is often intimidated by it.
Men are much simpler than you realize ladies. We know you pull all the strings, but if you let us think we are in charge more often we both get what we want. We feel more dominant and you get to see us confident and assertive. I know if you tell us to be dominant and assertive it defeats the point, however setting up situations where have to be more assertive is key. Let us kill the bug in the house; let us be in charge of the cars and fixing mechanical objects. Even if you know it will be faster just to call someone, let us have our moment. Tell us we are in charge of planning the evening on Friday. Set up situations where we can be assertive instead of jumping in and doing it yourself.
Guys, let’s step it up a notch. A cardinal sin is if she asks, “what do you want to do?” and you answer, “I don’t know.” Be a man, have a plan, in fact have back up plans. You need to take the lead. She’ll tell you when the plan sucks or needs to be changed, but if you at least have a plan, then you are being a man! Here is another tip. When she cancels on an idea and wants to just stay home, go do it anyway without her.
Assertiveness and confidence is so incredibly attractive as long as it doesn’t threaten someone else’s sense of self-confidence. You as an empowered woman in a relationship should not come at the price of an emasculated man. Leave room for a man to be confident. Set him up to feel like he is in charge sometimes, we both know who is really in charge. Guys, time to sack up and stand up for what you want to do. Stand your ground when women try to change things about you that you enjoy or things that don’t even affect her. The easiest way to be dominant without crossing her boundaries is to be assertive about what you want, but not tell her what she should want or do.
Being a confident man or woman is not about always being dominant or getting what you want. It is about knowing who you are and not compromising on the important stuff. Most of us understand when it’s important; the little things are what cause so much drama. Compromise by letting others win on the little stuff so you can be assertive on what is important to you. The most confident leaders know when to let others lead and empower them to feel strong and confident. As a confident woman, let men win sometimes, our ego’s are much more fragile. As a man, learn that being confident and dominant is actually what women appreciate more.
--------
This is a repost of a blog post from CharismaTips.com The content was written for and applies to both men and women.
Dating and the Alpha Woman Podcast
Comments
Login or register to post a commentShenanigans!
I'm calling you out: this is bullshit. I just cannot agree with the "facts" you believe you're providing here. I have several fairly huge problems with your assertions, the foremost being the misinformation herein, but we'll be covering that along the way.
You begin by saying that men aren’t sure whether to be intimidated or attracted to confident women--that's not something you can be uncertain about: it's an emotion. The men I know who are attracted to confident women are in no way confused about whether or not to be intimidated. Those I have known who are intimidated are so for one of two reasons: either they are afraid of not living up to past generation's ideas of "masculinity," or the woman is just plain intimidating (which, let's face it, just happens. Intimidation is not sexy; as you say: Assertiveness and confidence is so incredibly attractive as long as it doesn’t threaten someone else’s sense of self-confidence).
It is not a sin if your answer to “What do you want to do?” is “I don’t know.” That's called honesty. Two people who know each other's interests--and likely spend enough time together to know whether or not they've been to that restaurant or film--are allowed to say "I don't know" when discussion is likely to follow. You don't have to have a plan to be a man.
If, indeed, being a confident man or woman is not about always being dominant or getting what you want, then why are you so concerned that a man should get to fix the car? If that is what defines masculinity in this world, we're in a heap of trouble.
And while we're on this subject, it's not okay to say that women universally want a "dominant" man. (Let us also draw a very definite distinction between dominance and assertion here: they are not interchageable. Women may be aroused by a man who will pin them to a wall, but that doesn't mean they want them doing their taxes. A man's assertiveness should be equal to a woman's for a relationship to be equal: read on.) Many women want submissive men--in the bedroom and in public--and many more want a man who is equal to them. This is because women, believe it or don't, are looking for a partner, someone who does know them well enough to be able to say "I don't know" in a given situation, someone with whom they have an honest enough relationship that they don't to have to make up little lies about who's in charge just to stroke each other's egos.
I refuse to believe that men don't want this, as well. We wouldn't need to tell those little lies if we were all honest with one another, and we all deserve to be in an honest relationship. The most confident leaders are those whose followers have no choice but to obey, who have a staff of yes-men. (This is not to say they don't have their own insecurites--hence the yes-men--the world's most horrifying criminals certainly had their fair share.) No one wants to date Pol Pot. Women don't appreciate dominance, we appreciate feeling like equals, and we don't want men who don't want the same.
NB: The "modern feminist movement" you're also blanketing with assumptions is the movement responsible for ensuring that Travis and I are paid equally for work, that I can't be sexually harassed in the workplace, that I have a right to all the privileges men have. It did not begin as a means to emasculate men, nor should you blame it for doing so. I cannot say I've met a single man who suffered for the advancement of feminism. Over the years, many women--including myself--have been alienated by feminism, but that doesn't mean we can throw all of its varied, often disparate, aspects into one category. I owe everything to feminism; it did not come at the cost of any man's masculinity except those attached to outdated bigotry. Please leave feminism alone.
Meghanne
Contributing Writer
P.S.: I hope what you mean by Stand your ground when women try to change things about you that you enjoy or things that don’t even affect her is "Dump her." I can't stress this enough: we all deserve equality and honesty.
Thank you Meghanne! I want a
Thank you Meghanne! I want a strong man too, but not a "dominate" male. As a strong, independent, confident woman, I want my equal. Not someone I have to parent or expects me to always be "on" or in control.
For me it isn't about staying out or going in, it was about having someone who respected me enough to not be his mommy. When a man is your equal and isn't threatened by your strength, he compliments you, it isn't a competition. It isn't about winning or losing, dominating or being passive. It is about respecting one another.
There are a lot of men out there to choose from but choosing the one who is going to be your partner and pull the rope with you instead of allowing you to tow the rope all the time or worse, pretending to tow the rope while they dig their heels in. Is it any wonder why many of feel so weighed down. YES, men like strong women. Why wouldn't they. She is a fricken machine. Think about it, she not only works, but she is expected to clean the house, take care of the children, plan the vacations, doctor's appointments and do the wash, stay in shape, be happy and be sexually assertive and happy! WTF. That is a tall order for anyone!
It takes, let me repeat, it takes one hell of a man who sees her load and jumps in and helps her out instead of coming home and ploppin his ass on the couch to watch TV. Remember, she has a full-time job too and then some.
You want to give her passion and or romance? Pitch in, treat her like your equal when you speak to her and don't try to dominate her. Find ways to stimulate her mentally, and talk to her.
There is a huge difference between being a "dominate" male and being a confident and knowing exactly what he wants. The first is unattractive while the second is very attractive. Strong women just want a man who knows what he wastes as she knows what she wants. A strong male enjoys being stimulated, challenged and appreciates a woman who isn't scared of him and is his equal on any night of the week.
Hell, I know women who change engines, lay tile, do electric, and more and they have men, mind you who can't do those things, lined up out the door waiting to marry them. Why? Because, they find her stimulating. They choose not to be intimidated by her strengths and gifts that she brings to the table and they certainly know she is a force to reckon with.
Many men don't want challenge. They don't want to be questioned or even stimulated other then via between their legs. They want to dominate and be in control 24/7. They don't see relationships as equality where each person brings their strengths to the table. They see those type of women as competition. Someone they must compete with. God help the woman who ends up with that man. They are interested in what she has to say nor do they care and it does come across. That is not the way to get a long with Today's woman.
In addition, I certainly don't want a passive man who is okay to sit around and let me carry most of the load, mentally, emotionally and financially. That is so exhausting. Why does it have to be one or the other? The smart guys are the ones who are in between. They get it. They are succeeding with the Alpha Female! We just need more of them.
I was very disappointed by this post. I was hoping for something better.
Freda
Founder
Friend Me On Facebook
Follow Me On Twitter!
Let me get this straight...
So let me get this straight...
You want me to be my assertive self as long as I pander to your insecurities so you don't feel emasculated??
Give me a fucking break with this shit!
Assertive women do not by default emasculate men. Insecure men emasculate themselves through their own pride and ego, and I have not one second to spare in putting up with it. Men need to take responsibility for their own shortcomings and stop blaming assertive women for making them feel inadequate. It's a tired old story and it is high time to let it go.
Who's making me feel better about myself, huh? Do you want to know why women are so strong?? Because we fucking have to be. Now it's your turn. Quit expecting women to hold your hand through your whiney little insecurities. I mean what is it? Are you afraid you'll look dumber? poorer? less educated? Maybe you are less educated!
And here's the thing, I know men who don't have time for this shit either. They might be few and far between, but they exist.
Do women really appreciate a dominant man? Really? I appreciate a man who is anything BUT dominant. I appreciate a man who is willing to be himself at whatever cost, not some socially constructed masculine fallacy. I appreciate a man who understands that I too find satisfaction in fixing things and by taking the lead on building a shelf does not mean I think less him or want to take over his "role." I just like to build a fucking shelf!!! A man who really impresses me will hand me my goddam hammer and let me be me without crying about it.
Wake up call: Women with brains, passion, and critical thinking skills do not need to be rescued. We don't need you to kill our spiders, we don't need you to throw your coat over a puddle, and we don't need your quasi complimentary rhetoric about how we are the ones who "pull all the strings." Please don't patronize us.
But here's the thing...even though we don't "need" you we do want you. That is the difference between an alpha woman and those who are not alpha women. We don't "need" we "want." We don't have voids that only you can fill. We either are, or are hoping to become whole people, not helpless, needy man-sitters. If that doesn't push your hot buttons then go find a needy waif who will stroke you until you feel better about yourself, but please for the love of God, stay out of my way.
"Speak not in the ears of a fool: for she will despise the wisdom of thy
words."
Proverbs 23:9
Well Said!
I almost spit out my coffee as I was reading! LMAO!
You hit every nail on the head and it is so very true. This post just goes to show you that the confident, secure male is far and few between. But, women have to be strong. These men have to be manipulated by their women otherwise their women don't get anything.
Freda
Founder
Friend Me On Facebook
Follow Me On Twitter!
Leaving Room
I love all the passionate comments. I'm glad if nothing else I've started some good discussion.
The interesting issue here is that everyone is asking for men to be more assertive, by being honest and clear with what they want and being ok with women's strength. Even if it is just to say "i don't know." You are asking men to be stronger and accept who you are, which is a very important thing and more man are learning to cherish the strength and assertiveness of independent women. That is what the article was geared to towards men as well. Men don't always have to have a plan or know what they want, but if they never do they need to learn to be more assertive.
The article beyond some of the specific statements that inspired quite a reaction, is about leaving room for men to show a more assertive side. If you find that perfect man out there who allows you to be strong while he himself retains his strength congratulations, I hope everyone here finds that! Just like you said if a man is being emasculated he should dump the woman. The same, if man is not assertive enough for you then find someone else. However in the middle there is leaving room for everyone to be strong.
So many men don't know how to act around very assertive women. I teach plenty that are very attracted to that confidence but don't know how to be strong enough themselves. If you don't want that kind of man don't date one, however leaving room for men to be more assertive is the point because not every man is that perfectly secure man.
Interesting discussion though. If what you want is men to leave room for you to be the strong confident woman you are and accept you, is there anything wrong with encouraging men to be assertive so they will feel strong and equal to you in the relationship?
I'm not looking for a man to
I'm not looking for a man to tell me where we should eat or what dress I should wear. I am looking for a man who just knows what he wants in life. I feel like this is childish: "Okay, mommy is going to let you pick the restaurant tonight and mommy is even going to let you pick out her outfit! Yeah, don't you feel like a man now!"
In my humble opinion there are so many areas I want an assertive, confident, secure man and dinner clothes aren't really at the top of my priorities. How about having an opinion?
Really have relationships come down to dinner and attire? Or what our plans are tonight? Because I am so busy that those are the least of my concerns and worries. I don't know, that is just me.
Freda
Founder
Friend Me On Facebook
Follow Me On Twitter!
"Leaving Room"
My problem is actually in the way that you suggest we "leave room" for men to be "assertive." Are they really being assertive if we're feeding it to them? Not really. It's like letting a child win at a card game: if it's not challenging, they'll never learn strategy or rules. Now, dating doesn't have strategy and rules--or it shouldn't, because dating should not be a game--but there are lessons to be gained.
And I'm surprised it doesn't make you feel emasculated to have a woman have to stoop to make you feel in control: doesn't it just prove to you that you're beneath a woman who does this? Further, why would any strong woman want to pretend you have any control over her--be it her appliances or clothing--when she's come so far to become assertive herself? Sometimes women have had to overcome other men (fathers, past boyfriends) controlling those "little things" in order to become confident in themselves. We are not about to be told to go back now.
When I think about women being controlled, I remember a friend of mine who, in seventh grade, dated a boy who wouldn't let her cut her hair. I think of a high school friend who got pregnant immediately after graduation because her boyfriend refused to wear a condom. These boys were in control in ways that were seemingly small, but which proved significant once they had accumulated. I would never want a woman who had realized her own potential and power to ever have to go back to that, even to pretend it. Can't you see how detrimental it is to women, to girls?
There is absolutely no reason for a relationship to have a clear authority. That is not a relationship. I will reiterate: a relationship (and I will never sway from this, pretend or not) it is about equality and partnership. If a man needs to feel in control, he shouldn't date an Alpha Woman. He shouldn't date anyone. He should buy a television. With a huge remote.
Meghanne
Contributing Writer
Men and women who enter into
Men and women who enter into relationships should have common decency and courtesy in regards to letting their mates be who they are, and knowing when to get out of a relationship when the reality of who each person "is" is not compatible.
There is a difference though between being respectful and encouraging of one another, and parenting one another.
Yes, there is something wrong with "encouraging men to be assertive so they will feel strong and equal to me in a relationship." That is not a healthy role for anyone to play in a relationship. We are all on our own journeys in life and we cannot expect a significant other to coach us out of our insecurities. Certainly, relationships provide us with opportunities to self reflect and grow, and we should expect that in a healthy relationship, but I honestly think that expecting women to "help men feel strong and equal" is sadly primitive and not very realistic.
If a relationship that hopes to be equal does not start on a foundation of equality and mutuality, it isn't going to morph into one because a strong woman coaches her dude into being more assertive or strong.
The funny thing about confidence is that it does not come from outside of oneself. I don't need the encouragement of another in order to be confident. My hunch is that most confident people don't. Confidence and assertiveness are inner qualities that can be learned, but they thrive when a person knows who they are, and what they are about. A supportive environment is important, but is not necessary, nor is it dependent upon one person.
A few years back, my toilet was broken. I lived in an apt where the landlord took forever to fix things, so out of necessity and curiosity I began investigating the problem myself, with the help of my dad, and my grandpap who would patiently guided me over the phone as I struggled not to laugh every time I heard them say "ballcock."
Anyway, my dad helped me figure out what the problem was and all I needed was a small part that I was certain I could replace myself. I bought the part, but when I tried to install it, I hit a wall because there were two screw type things that needed to be loosened that were so tight, I couldn't budge them. A guy friend (actually my best friend's boyfriend) was over one night who was very good with construction type things. I asked him to help me. (Notice the willingness to ask for help when needed). I explained what the problem was, and how I could use his help. Mind you, I ALREADY KNEW WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS. He took a look at it and tried to loosen the screws. Despite his brute strength, he couldn't do it either. Rather than admit that the screws were freakishly impossible to loosen, he tried to tell me that the problem was something totally different and he said he'd be back the following week with tools to fix the "real" problem. I totally knew that he was wrong and gently told him not to worry about fixing it because I didn't want him to further embarrass himself. I told him I wanted to have it fixed earlier and that I'd try to figure something out. He insisted he'd be back the following week to fix it. I said okay and he left.
After he left I talked to my dad who suggested I use this rust remover stuff on the screws so the next day I went and got some. Within minutes of using the stuff, I removed the screws, replaced the broken part, and my toilet was fixed. The next week when the guy was over my house (we had a weekly Bible study at my place) he asked about the toilet, and I told him I fixed it. He asked how, and I told him. Do you want to know what he said? He asked me, "Why didn't you just let me fix it?" I told him, "Because I enjoyed figuring out how to fix it, and I knew what needed to be done." To which he replied, "Why do you enjoy fixing toilets?" to which I replied, "Why do you?"
He actually made a big stupid deal about it and told my best friend that I was being "annoyingly independent." I mean what does that even MEAN?? I wasn't trying to prove some feminist point. I was just trying to fix my dang toilet!
All this to say, that my experience tells me that a strong woman cannot "encourage" a man into self confidence and assertiveness. The issue is too deep for that. I also think your comparison between a man "leaving room for a woman to be strong and confident" is not the same as a woman "encouraging" men to feel strong and equal.
Men and women should encourage each others strengths, yes. But you are forgetting that the mere existence of women's strengths are what men have a problem with. Which is a catch 22 that your solutions don't address.
After all, I am not (nor are most women) threatened by a man who is smarter than me. I am not at odds if a man makes more money than me, nor am I offended if there is one type of activity that he is better at than me. But the same cannot be said in reverse (generally speaking that is). Why is that? I think it is rooted in deep seeded misogyny. Men cannot lose to a woman, be seen as less than a woman, nor can they appear to be less intelligent than woman, because at the core of it, women are the epitome of all that is weak, and men can't handle the idea of being weak. If men systemically stop hating (from down deep-not talking surface level here) women, they wouldn't be so wounded and insecure when a woman is smarter than them. They won't feel as though they've been beaten by the "lesser than creature."
I went on a couple of dates with a guy who was a manager at Whole Foods. He worked there since after high school and worked his way up. He never went to college. We hung out a couple of times and I liked him. I thought we had a good time together. One night he said that being around me made him feel stupid. There was no amount of "encouragement" that could have changed that. He emphasized that he didn't mean I intentionally made him feel that way, he admitted that he felt uncomfortable with the fact that I was more educated than him, and was embarrassed when he realized how much I read. I tried to tell him that we were equally educated, but that we received our education in different ways and knew about different things. I could break down a thousand years of systematic theology, but he could take a Mustang apart and put it back together with his eyes closed. He couldn't see it that way, and eventually he stopped calling me.
"Speak not in the ears of a fool: for she will despise the wisdom of thy
words."
Proverbs 23:9
You are so right on girl. We
You are so right on girl. We are just stuck in the transition but we are teaching the next generation how to lead and be equal with a woman who is equally talented, intelligent and successful. I don't know what will happen for us, but we are teaching generations to come how to relate. I believe that men are just as confused as we are. Many want to learn while others don't care to learn. Thanks for your comments and posts.
BTW, kudos on the toilet!!!
Check out the podcast, Dating and the Alpha Woman, we did on this subject. I am going to be doing this regularly and would love to have you as a guest speaker. It is set up through skype.
Freda
Founder
Friend Me On Facebook
Follow Me On Twitter!
Podcast with Freda!
Hey everyone, Freda and I sat down last week for a podcast and talked a lot about this subject. Give a listen and get our take on this subject as well as a lot of clarification about this very post.
The first part of the podcast is at:
http://www.charismatips.com/?p=315