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Over a month ago, Freda posted to her blog about this article concerning "highly ambitious women married to less-ambitious men." I'd like to share my thoughts on this, but I've been away, and the comment thread on that article is now dormant, so I thought I'd revive it here.

There are a few interesting things, in both the article and in the comments of Freda's blog entry, on which I'd like to comment. First off, I was a little put off by the general thesis statement of the article: Are you more ambitious and motivated than your husband? If your answer is yes, your marriage may be headed to divorce court.

Fortunately, the article goes on to paint stats that really aren't as demoralizing as the introduction would lead you to believe, and points out that it mostly boils down to what marriage is generally about--taking time for each other, accepting one another, working together to maintain a healthy relationship--and ends on a positive note by saying that no marriage is easy, but this marriage combination, with a little creativity and devotion, can yield wonderful rewards.

First off, with respect to the article's point that many people still view this relationship type as non-traditional... Absolutely. My husband and I get this quite a bit, as I'm the chief bread winner and decision maker. For example... we live near the US border and cross it frequently, and he used to catch a lot of repeated flack from one of the customs agents (a female, actually) about being unemployed. It really upset me, because, let's face it--if roles were reversed and he were employed, but I wasn't, they wouldn't have said a word. Why is it acceptable for him to be head of household, but not me? I finally complained and pointed this out to customs, and I'm pleased to report that we've not since been interrogated as to his employment status at that border station.

Another point I'd like to make, briefly, is that lack of ambition (or perceived lack thereof) doesn't always equate to laziness. Sometimes it's that you don't yet know what you want to do, or you don't yet understand how to accomplish what you want to do. Sometimes it's knowing what's involved but not having all the resources to make it happen or to make it happen quickly. Sometimes it's that you're in the wrong career field but don't yet know it. Sometimes it's fear of knowing what's involved and getting up the gumption to face those fears. There are a whole host of other reasons (in addition, of course, to laziness).

On a final note, it's really not about ambition. As the article points out, it's about harmony. A couple is like two pieces of a puzzle: different yet they fit together. I married my husband when he was fresh out of university and I had an established career. I asked him to give up his home (in fact, his entire country) and come live where I live and let me keep my career in a very remote area, thus drastically cutting ('murdering' would be a better word) his chances for working in the field he'd studied. He supports my career and believes it to be both critical to today's society as well as the health of our planet. He does most of our shopping and cooks almost all of our meals and generally takes care of me at home, though I still manage our finances and business affairs.

In short, we have flip-flopped a great deal from the more traditional gender roles, and we're both quite happy. In return, he gets the free time he'd like to pursue creative endeavors, and he's trying to find a way to make a living through his illustration and writing work. I feel that, since I'm fortunate enough to love and believe in what I do and look forward to going to work every day (something few people can truly say), and since he's sacrificed his lifestyle to accommodate my career, he should be able to have the same chance at making a living out of what he loves to do. Others supported me when I was in the lean years, trying to make a career in conservation pay the bills, and I'm happy to pay it forward by helping him build a career in artistic pursuits.

It's all about honesty, going in with eyes wide open, being content with the roles you've agreed to take on, and listening to one another. It shouldn't matter in the least which partner is the "more ambitious" of the two, so long as you both are happy and happy together.