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The most popular topic on the Oprah.com lately has been about the two most recent visits by Dr. M. Gary Neuman, author of “Why Men Cheat”. Women by the millions tuned in both days to find out the answer to this most frustrating, devastating and destructive subject, only to find out that, in a nut shell, it was primarily their fault. Did you hear the deafening, angry screaming coming from all the homes of Oprah fans across the nation...probably across the world? Every married woman, whether they had been cheated on or not, leapt out of their seats screaming, “Are you kidding me? It's MY fault! Oh, no, it's NOT!
Dr. M. Gary Neuman has got it wrong about why men cheat and he'll have it wrong for women too!
It doesn't have anything to do with the marriage or the relationship or sex. It has nothing to do with being a man or a woman...it has everything to do with being a broken human being.
Yes, it's about attention...but NOT the fact that the spouse isn't meeting the needs of their partner in the attention category.
Yes, most marriages get consumed by the every day stresses of raising a family, working and taking care of their homes. Marriage is work...relationships have their ups and downs...life happens. Husbands and wives enter in to their marriages with expectations that are perpetuated by the media, entertainment and a society that is sexually over-stimulated with little moral fortitude. This is a broad cultural explanation and not addressing the root causes of why human beings cheat on their mates.
The reason men AND women cheat is their mindset is wrong. They are relying on others to define them, feed their egos and fill holes that have been left empty since childhood. It is a flaw or disconnect with the individual that is cheating. Cheating occurs due to an inability to cope with an individuals life in the present, as a result of what has occurred in their past. The spouse is paying the bill for all of the past sins, circumstances, relationships and experiences that is stuffed in the cheaters baggage.
My research has shown most women and men who cheat are control freaks or perfectionists; either first-born, babies or only children in their families. Yes, it's more emotional than physical BUT if asked, you will discover certain personality traits, unresolved childhood issues that relate to physical/emotional abuse, exposure to addiction, broken homes or that their parents were cheaters too. Cheaters may have learned by example OR they've never met anyone's expectations or even met their own. They search for someone who will except the fantasy person that they portray.
Most spouses are doing what Dr. Neuman suggests: encouraging, paying attention, having intimacy.
On the first show there was the couple who was having great sex, family life, but he was still cheating! Even this man was confused about why he was cheating. Why? It's because it was NOT about his marriage, family or job. It WAS about him! He was subconsciously sabotaging his marriage, family and life. One of the other couples sat there with same dazed “This is not it either.” look on their faces. In the second show most of the couples seemed to not to accept what Dr, Neuman was saying...that it was about the attention they received from the other woman and the fact that the wife was not fulfilling her duties in giving the proper attention to her husband. HOGWASH!
I was able to get my free download of Dr. M. Gary Neuman's book titled "The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and How You Can Prevent It." that was offered following the first Oprah show that he appeared on. I have not read it yet and the above commentary is only on the Oprah shows that Dr. Neuman appeared and discussed on why men cheat.
To be honest the audience was filled with uncomfortable and guilt ridden men and their wives that only wanted answers to why their husband cheated on them. To say that the women could not accept Dr. Neuman's explanation for why they cheat, would be an understatement. Most of the men sat taller in their seats as the doctor pointed the finger at the ladies, saying that they had to work harder at paying attention, having gratitude for what their husbands provided and did for them. Yet, when several women countered the good doctor on his direction by saying that this is a two way street with in the marriage AND that there is no excuse for cheating, especially in the case that a man's ego is not being fed. These women were angry and insisting, if not demanding that their husbands were not teenage boys with raging hormones, but mature adults that should be able to keep a moral code and ethic and not become weakened because their egos were not being stroked properly. Many women in the audience refused to accept the doctors theory and the commentary rages on in this vein after the show and on in the forums under this very same topic.
By the end of the show, the men were slouching in their seats again in a pool of their guilt, wondering why they did what they did, while their wives sat on the edges of their seats waiting to hear the correct answer or the real truth to 'Why men cheat?"
The solution to the cheating problem in both men and women has to come from the person who is cheating. Resolving childhood issues, finding their true north, practicing positive mindset which include affirmations, positive visualizations and healing their inner being, which will recalibrate a cheaters life. It is NOT about the wife and what she is or is not doing. It is NOT about the fact that the husband isn't getting enough sexual satisfaction. It is NOT about the marriage or the relationship. It is about the cheater sending out the vibration of a cheater, so they attract those who will help them cheat. It is about the emptiness that was there within the man or the woman even at the beginning of the marriage. The wife or husband has been able to fill the hole or feed the need until the cheater needs to up the ante, increase the dosage...get an attention fix. They choose to cheat! We are talking about a new type of addiction here...the addiction to people or attention...it is like a drug. Just like in other addictions the root lies in the past, in unresolved issues, low self-esteem, poor decisions and destructive behaviors. Does this sound familiar to anyone? It IS an addiction...not treated correctly...they will cheat again.
To blame the spouse for the cheaters actions is justification, rationalization and pointing blame in the wrong direction. The blame sits squarely on the cheater! It is up to the cheater to dig deep, work hard at resolving their problems and holding to their commitment to not choose to pick up their addiction again.
Dr.Neuman, you are wrong...wrong...wrong! Your explanation is only perpetuating this epidemic of cheating by pointing the finger of blame at the faithful partner. Shame on you!
Comments
Login or register to post a commentThat’s almost as horrendous as...
That’s almost as horrendous as saying it’s a rape victims fault for being attacked because of his/her over-friendly behavior or clothing choice.
Just another case of someone using shocking statements to sell books to women who are looking for answers to why their relationships are going south. Like, that "He's just not that into you" book. Women are typically the ones that seek advice and counseling to help save their relationships. Most men would rather take the path that requires the least amount of effort and avoid any realization that they may not be the emotional rock in the relationship. These men/writers are preying on women to make a profit. And, with Oprah's help, they're laughing all the way to the bank.
No, he doesn't...
have it wrong...what Dr. Neuman is saying, is 100% accurate. I have been a sex and relationship expert for 23-years, and I wrote a best selling sex book in which I did FIVE YEARS of research TALKING to 9,826 men from the ages of 18-69, and the #1 reason that men cheat on their wives and lovers, is SEXUAL NEGLECT at home. To a man, sex=love. Women are exhasuted, angry, bitter, in-a-hurry, spend all their time on the kids, put all their energy in too their job and women put sex LAST on their list, while men put it FIRST.
And you're not seeing THE TRUTH in what Dr. Nueman says: men are boys. THEY NEVER, EVER, EVER, OUT-GROW THEIR DNA. And their DNA is nothing but a massive RAGING HORMONE---and every single thing a man does, feels, thinks: derives from his penis. And no Woman's Movement, No Feminist March, no yelling, screaming, begging, blaming, threatening, manipulating or convincing WILL EVER change a man's DNA.
Adam gave-up control of ALL of Planet Earth, for Eve. No way if Adam had come-up to Eve with that forbidden fruit, would Eve have taken it. Adam was thinking with his penis. And if THE FIRST MAN ever created was thinking with his penis, come-on, what chance does YOUR GUY have???
CHEATING IS WRONG. IT IS WRONG ONLY because, as a Society, rules have been set in-place. It is never, ever a solution to an internal emotive problem. AND MEN ARE WRONG to cheat. But if a man isn't getting laid at home, he's going to follow his pecker to willing pastures.
Here is what I tell all my clients whose men have cheated, using the lack-of-sex reason: NEVER take-back a man who cheats, because if he does, he no longer respects you and he NEVER will again. Once a man has cheated on you, YOU HAVE LOST ALL YOUR POWER. However, the next relationship that you are in, see the sex FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE. SEE IT HOW HE SEES IT. And I promise you, the next guy you're with, won't cheat.
And while I DO NOT AGREE with men who cheat, I do understand why they do. It isn't just enough for a wife/lover to be 'faithful'. Women are wrong to deny their husbands/lovers sex.
And what goes around, always comes back around.
"We generate and create in our life, the results that we believe we deserve."
Seshat, I strongly disagree
Seshat, I strongly disagree with you on Adam. Adam was motivated by unconditional love for Eve (Agape) rather then Eros. Adam only knew Agape which was a love that was willing to die for someone who didn't deserve it. You see God would have given Adam a new wife had he not bitten into the Apple of good and evil. As soon as Adam ate from the apple he Agape transformed into Eros. When God came to see Adam and Eve in the Garden they were hiding and God said why are you hiding and they responded because we are naked and when God confronted Adam, Adam immediately blamed God...."It was the Woman YOU gave to me," and it was at that moment that Adam's love for Eve went from unconditional to conditional.
Humans are only capable of conditional love. Unconditional love only comes from God and a change of heart.(Romans)and Peter's story after Christ was crucified..... "Lord you know I am only capable of Phileo love.....and Christ says, "ahhh Peter you finally get it!! Go and feed my sheep!" (Paraphrased by me)
The only person capable of agape is Christ as he demonstrated it on the cross when he was willing to die for sinners who clearly didn't deserve it (all of us included).
Men cheat because of various reasons. Sometimes it is a faulty relationship while other times it is faulty wiring but when people succumb to and blame their gene's they relieve themselves of any responsibility for their actions. That is an easy out.
Great Post!
XOXO,
Freda
Founder
www.AlphaWomen.com
"Those Who Say It Can't Be Done Need To Get Out Of The Way Of Those Who Are Doing It!"
The Original Bible Text
in Hebrew and Latin, use the word LUST as to why Adam gave-up The Garden of Eden, for Eve. It wasn't Agape, it was Lust. The Holy Bible, has lost much, in it's translations. In fact, in the Bible that we all have, there are 18 years missing from Jesus life. I am the daughter of a minister, and I spent years researching every historical document I could get my hands on, regarding Eve. I have zero sympathy for her. Eve used her sexuality to manipulate Adam and get him to Fall. She was not the tempted, she was the Temptrest, and ever since Eve, woman have been using sex as a weapon against men---either in the keeping it from him, or in the giving-it-up to him. In each Original writing of Genisis, the author used the word LUST to describe WHY Adam fell. Furthermore, Biblical Historians have proven that had the siuation been reversed, that Eve would NEVER have taken the fruit from Adam. God told Adam and Eve to stay away from that tree. Eve wanted to be Better than God. She bought the BS that Lucifer sold her. And when she realized what she had done and how screwed she was---instead of going to God, confessing her sin and taking her medicine; instead of PROTECTING her man from HER sin, because THAT is what REAL LOVE DOES---she swung her little self over to Adam and seduced him into his Fall. And it wasn't his heart, that Adam was thinking with. Had it been Agape Love, when God showed up, Adam would have PROTECTED Eve, and taken the blame for his doing, instead of blaming God for the woman He'd given him.
And I am sorry, but I disagree: DNA is ABSOLUTLY to blame for MANY things, that is the reality that we live in. Faulty DNA has been proven in the exact same brain patterns of studied Serial Killers, Child Molesters. And no matter how you slice it, the Male Gender has been BIOLOGICALLY programed to spread his seed, since Creation. In Bible times, men had multipul wives, in fact, King Solomon had 3000 wives and concubines.
It IS DNA as the underlying factor as to why men cheat---not an excuse. Just the truth. And the only way to curb that, is to try and see sex from your husband/lovers poin-of-view. Because regardless of the Century: MEN WILL NEVER CHANGE.
"We generate and create in our life, the results that we believe we deserve."
It All Comes Down to DNA?!!
Well, I guess we are all cooked...Men will be men or Boys will be boys...they are going to think with their little heads first...Is this what you are trying to tell me? So, what is a woman's excuse for cheating? Is this DNA too?
If this is all wrapped up in our genetics...then we can't change it. Men are predisposed to cheat. We just need to accept this fact and prepare for the worst.
I'm sorry but I not ready to accept this explanation, even with all your research to back it up. I do accept the fact that many men look elsewhere for sexual gratification if the sex at home isn't being dealt with...BUT...this is not what the men were saying on the show. They said it was NOT for the sex...it was an emotional need that they were satisfying...not sexual. In fact, one of the couples who were willing to talk about it admitted that their sex life was great throughout the time that he had the affair. So, this man and the others were lying? It was really all about the sex....because men express their emotions physically...not verbally...like women. Well, what if the man is not being verbal enough, so the woman becomes neglectful, lazy and disinterested? It is a two way street, isn't it?
This is not what I have found in my research on cheating (which is still ongoing)...it has everything to do the way a person has been raised, childhood issues, life exeriences, abuse, parental treatment, even birth order that will affect a persons decision to cheat. You may have found the 9000 or more people who maybe serial cheaters...but why did they really cheat? Why are these people compelled to act in this manner? What is the flaw? What factors other than DNA has brought them to be this way? You can't tell me that it is just genetic...there are so many other factors that perpetuate it, other than the fact that their spouse is not meeting their needs. By saying this, you are making human beings, males in particular, nothing more than animals with a sexual drive and with little brain capacity to control their innate urges. Again, what about the women who cheat?
Yes, I will give you your point that in SOME marriages where the wife is lazy, neglectful and not fulfilling her wifely duty...her man may just cheat...BUT...in the end...to cheat is a choice. A man or woman who decides to cheat is not necessarily chosing this because they have been prewired through their DNA this way. The majority that I have spoken to in my research and in my coaching practice are cheating because they are trying to fill a hole, have poor coping and decision making skills, are avoiding attachment, are narcisistic, have unresolved childhood issues, control issues, along with the added influence of a society and culture that ia sexually overstimulated and is secretly accepting of an act that is morally and ethically wrong. There is so much more to this then just DNA.
As for the biblical direction this discussion has taken...the Garden of Eden story that was brought forward is the story of "free will". God gave Adam and Eve the choice...they chose wrong...he sent them out of the Garden because they couldn't follow His rules. Do Not Eat the Fruit of the Tree of Life. They did. Eve tempted Adam, because she had been encouraged by the Serpent...he chose to disobey God and ate the apple, along with Eve. Both were innocent, based on the information given to them...they made bad choices. God did not place the bad choice in Adam's DNA or in Eve...God created Adam in the likeness of Himself...a creation that intially was good... and Eve was created out that very same creation of goodness...but because God gave Adam and Eve the gift of "free will"...He expected Adam to choose well..he didn't and neither did Eve. They were both punished for that choice.
If what you are saying, that DNA is what drives a person to cheat...then Adam would have had this prewired into him at creation...this can not be true if he was created in the likeness of God. It was later through the temptation that this was embedded in Adams character through his choice. So, where do we go from?...from creation of man, who is created primarily good or from the point that he starts to make bad choices for himself?
In this story, we go back to the same old debate, who's at fault: were men prewired at creation or after the temptation in the Garden of Eden? Was it Eve's fault for tempting Adam or was it Adam for choosing poorly?
It seems that this is the same debate we are having here about cheating. Is it the spouses fault or is it the cheaters? Are we predisposed to it or are we grown in to it? It either case, someone is going to get hurt.
Please know that I am just trying to understand your perspective...I am always willing to hear another person's point of view. I am willing to consider and learn.
AWE -A Woman of Elegance
Excellence, Significance, Grace
Great response. Cheating is
Great response. Cheating is a choice just like everything else in life. Some home situations are bad but many aren't bad at all. Some men just want more than their fair share. It is called greed. It comes in all shapes, forms and sizes. Look what people will do for the greed of money.
There are so many reasons why people cheat, women and men alike, that to blame it on the women is very sad and pushes women back 100 years!
Personally, I think men are perfectly intelligent, capable of making choices and although maybe driven by their little head, many don't cheat in spite of their DNA and hormones. Like I said, I think some men just want it all. They want more than their fair share and so they just take it but deep down inside those men tend to be very unhappy, very emotionally unstable and have a very low self-esteem especially when they have a wife at home who is committed, loves him, supports him and has no idea that he is cheating. Every day he has to come home and face not only her but the mirror. Eventually that wears down a person. Watch Mad Men.
In this day and age everyone needs to really take precautions to protect themselves because it can happen to ANYBODY. Give the right situation, the right circumstances, anyone could find themselves in those situations. When people are hungry they throw out signals and attract others who are hungry. Water seeks its own level.
We all have to manage the signals that we throw out there because at some point we all might feel a little bored, a little neglected, a little abandoned and in need of someone to "fill" us up. Think twice.
I have also seen some relationships/marriages where the woman just does not care about her man and expects him to stay faithful and loyal in spite of it. I don't think that is fair for anyone, man or woman, and I personally would not cheat, but I would get out. When you are in a relationship and are dependent on someone else for your sexual and emotional needs and they decide they don't want to meet them anymore, well you better be prepared for the worst, because I don't care how disciplined you are, someone is going to stray.
Great Post!
XOXO,
Freda
Founder
www.AlphaWomen.com
"Those Who Say It Can't Be Done Need To Get Out Of The Way Of Those Who Are Doing It!"
NO, we cannot change it...
I'm sorry, but Science is Science and things are the way the are...NOTHING will change it: men are predisosed TO SPREAD THEIR SEED...IT IS IN THEIR DNA---and in TODAY'S SOCIETY, that, now equals cheating.
If every woman here on Alpawomen.com, had been born in Bible times, we WOULD ALL be one of many wives. You CANNOT argue with HISTORICAL FACTS. Every prominate man in The Holy Bible, and in early History, had muliple wives. In those days, it was NOT considered cheating, and I am sorry, but if you want to get down to the hard-core TRUTH: those people in that Morman compound in Texas have it right: multiple wives has been the way of the world, since time began. ONLY IN TODAY'S SOCIETY< IS THAT NOW FORBIDDEN. In fact, IT WAS NOT until The Purtian's came to this land, that sex with someone other-than your spouse became a No-NO, a sin; in fact, in those days, a cheating spouse was stoned to death. This is NOT my perspective, it is 20-years of study, 20-years of my reading EVERY SINGLE SEXUAL MANUAL OR BOOK still in print, of my studying The Holy Bible in its Hebrew, Latin and Greek Original manuscripts. It is me having deeply studied men and sex so-much-so, in fact, that Adam Glickman, who owns condomania.com, and who invented the THEY-FIT condom, which was studied at The Kinsey Institute in Indiana and is THE ONLY 100% condom in the world, has written the FOWARD for my book, which is coming-out in 10-months. In it, Adam says after 25-years in the sex industry, that he has never encountered a woman who understands more about the sexual male, than me. I have made it my life's work to understand men, so that I could help women who otherwise would not know where to begin, in understanding a man.
And in answer to your question: IT WAS EVE'S FAULT for tempting Adam. She did so, KNOWING what she was doing would cause him to fall. She knew Adam was taken with her, she knew her female power and she wholly used it against him. Eve was not The Decieved, Eve was The Deceiver. Furthermore, let me remind you that Adam didn;t make the wrong choice: God told him to stay away from that tree and ADAM DID---EVE is the one who Knowingly made the wrong choice. She left Adam's side and went straight for that tree.
Lastly, like I made clear in my last post to you: to a man love=sex. Believe it when those men said that cheating for them was satisfying an emotive need. To a man, when his wife/lover rejects him sexually, she is rejecting HIS PENIS, andf in rejecting his penis SHE DOES'NT WANT HIM OR LOVE HIM. Furthemore, IN MOST MARRIAGES, the wife IS sexually lazy. She does what it takes to trap the man into commitment, and then she stops paying attention.
THE FIRST STEP to truly understanding men and their sexual perspective and why men cheat, is to empty your mind and your female-perspective. And open your mind and your heart to what is really going on inside their's.
"We generate and create in our life, the results that we believe we deserve."
Justifying and Rationalizing Away Responsibility of Choice
I must emphatically disagree with Seshat65 and agree totally with Shephardess5. I found this site as a result of searching for answers I needed.
I am currently in a second marriage in which I am married to a serial cheater. While I will not explain things at this time, suffice it to say I was physically and financially unable to support myself; however, with that being said, I was very supportive of my husband, stroked his ego often, was NOT lazy, tried many different things sexually, including picking him up from the airport in nothing more than a coat and high heels and whisking him away to a motel for the night before returning home to the kids (from first marriages).
The first time he cheated on me was barely a year after we were married. He cheated on his first wife about a year after they were married and went through the repentance process. They were married for 18 years. In the end, she cheated and decided to end the marriage.
My religion advocates that people can repent and change. I believe this to be true, believed him when he said he had never cheated on his wife again.
I have not been so lucky. My point is this....I was a very supportive, attentive wife, even after the first affair and for several years thereafter, and to place the reason why a person cheats on their DNA, the need to spread their seed, etc....is pure hogwash.
It all comes down to moral values and the belief in those moral values. It comes down to a relationship you have with your God. It comes down to taking responsibility for your life, your decisions, to not allow yourself to be the victim when bad things happen to you, to be proactive in the decisions you make and carry out.
My husband says he was molested by a man in his church for 2 years starting when he was 11. I sometimes wonder if this hasn't affected him. Sometimes I wonder if he is nothing more than a liar and plays on people's sympathies to get what he wants.
I just recently discovered he had been having an affair with a married co-worker, who interestingly enough said in her emails to my husband, that she is in love with her husband and had no desire to have an affair but couldn't stop herself.
Between these two physical affairs, he carried on several cybersexual relationships with women over the years.
I am healthy and whole now, hopefully able to work to support myself and coming to grips with what I should/must do.
I had to put in my two cents worth and I just shake my head at people who take the responsbility of actions and decisions out of people's hands and blame it all on the genes.
Thanks so much for sharing
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I couldn't agree with you more. I hate when people don't take responsibility and give into their addictions. The more you feed them the stronger they become.
Funny but it seems that so many people don't need God in their life. Take a look around at what a Godless society looks like where man chooses to react to his basic instincts instead of using his intellect and self-control.
I appreciate you input! So many women need to hear your story because they are all to often willing to take full blame when their man strays!
Freda
Founder
AlphaWomen
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Nanette, I am going to have
Nanette, I am going to have to double check on that but I am pretty confident that it wasn't lust because before the fall, Adam wasn't capable of lust. I too studied Hebrew and Latin.
Adam was incapable of "lust" before the fall. After the fall is when the different forms of love entered into the world. Please keep in mind that Adam and Eve were perfect before they fell.
Adam, very similar to Christ, LOVED Eve more than he loved himself and couldn't begin to imagine his life without her so much so he was willing to die eternally for her. His love for her was agape. But when he ate the apple he did a complete 180 and both Adam and Eve turned on one another. Their love turned from unconditional and selfless to conditional and selfish. As one scholar put it, "Adams love did a 'u' turn and pointed to 'self.'
Agape was changed to Phileo by one of the catholic scholars (I will have to do some digging back in history to get his exact name and the time period) which changed or practically eliminated the word "Agape" from the Bible.
I had the privilege, during my religious studies, to sit in on some of the best language scholars from all over the world. The use of Agape, Eros and Phileo were a big topic because without the understanding of these words and translations it changes everything that Christ came to accomplish and many of us can't fathom what Agape means because we are taught to "love self."
Great Post!
XOXO,
Freda
Founder
www.AlphaWomen.com
"Those Who Say It Can't Be Done Need To Get Out Of The Way Of Those Who Are Doing It!"
I agree with your response
I agree with what you have said Freda, as I also have done extensive religious studies at Regent University. This is the same interpretation that was presented to us there...you just said it better than I did.
Shepherdess5
AWE -A Woman of Elegance
Excellence, Significance, Grace
Yes, look it up Freda, because
even in Greek, it uses the word LUST in reagdr to Adam and Eve. ONLY when it was changed to the ENGLISH version, was 'love' changed from 'lust'. Talk about chnaging God's Word to fit Society's purpose...
"We generate and create in our life, the results that we believe we deserve."
Again, there was no "lust"
Again, there was no "lust" before the fall so the argument is not supported. Lust didn't come into play until after the fall.
I don't know what Biblical translation you are using or exegesis you performed that would probably help. There are three words that were used in the Bible for love Agape, Phileo, Eros.
Eros was erotic love/lust and came into play after the fall.
Great Post!
XOXO,
Freda
Founder
www.AlphaWomen.com
"Those Who Say It Can't Be Done Need To Get Out Of The Way Of Those Who Are Doing It!"
Not So..
I just spoke with a friend of mine who is a Jewish Rabbi, In California--- he confirms that the word-orgin in the Hebrew Holy Bible's Original transcript, before the English Translation changed it, which is what caused Adam to fall, was his physical desire/lust, for Eve, not AGAPE; in fact, he made a very valid point: if Adam had had UNCONDITIONAL AGAPE LOVE for Eve, he would not have blamed God for her creation in the first place. Also, something else he pointed-out: before The Fall, it was not a 'sin' to feel physical lust. AFTER THE FALL, and BECAUSE THAT PHYSICAL LUST WAS THE REASON ADAM FELL, it became 'sin.'
He will be emailing me the Hebrew passages which support my argument, sometime this evening.
"We generate and create in our life, the results that we believe we deserve."
Adam only blamed God AFTER
Adam only blamed God AFTER the fall.
Still not sure what Bible you are translating from and where you are getting your exegesis information from.
Freda
Founder
www.AlphaWomen.com
"Those Who Say It Can't Be Done Need To Get Out Of The Way Of Those Who Are Doing It!"
What verse are you referring
What verse are you referring to, and what are the Hebrew and Greek words you are talking about that translate as lust?
I'll take a transliteration of the word if you can't copy and paste the Hebrew. Or the verse the word is found in would be equally helpful.
Shepherdess, Thank you for
Shepherdess, Thank you for this thoughtful post. I agree with your assessment 100% regarding the influences that cause men to cheat. I think the word "cheating" should be changed to "sexually lying." If infidelity was purely about sex being equal to love, then why would people be so compelled to lie about it? Can we blame it all on social mores? There is something deeper involved. I think people are using sex to fill the wounds of pain, usually caused by trauma, emotional neglect or emotional suffocation.
I read a really great book on the subject of love addiction by Pia Melody. She suggests much of the same things you've discussed. There is a disconnect between our (Men's AND Women's) ability to understand how our developmental years shape our sexual identities. When we experience pain, neglect, abuse, etc especially when it involves our parents, it certainly impacts how we look at sex.
I especially think your perspective provides a realistic understanding of cheating when there isn't a lack of sex, yet the guy still cheats. That's the puzzling reality that isn't addressed by the assertions made by Oprah's dude.
Even if I believed the idea that men are genetically designed to "spread their seed" which I don't, I think men (AND women) are genetically designed to survive first and foremost. But people are ignoring those survival instincts and are having high risk sex with lots of people-and sex with many partners being a death sentence is not a new thing! The fact that we are ignoring that basic survival instinct is a huge red flag to me. When we act in ways that counter our physical and emotional health, you have to ask why.
Cheating - No One's Fault?
I think we ought to take the words "fault" and "blame" out of this argument - and it's hard.
To me - the whole thing is this - if you're unhappy in your marriage, and you have to ACT, by having sex with someone else, before you can TALK to your wife about your desire to have sex with another woman - then it's not all about your penis.
I agree 100% that we women are totally negligent and unaware of where our men are in our relationships. If we weren't - we'd be able to pick up that he's having sex with someone else. (Thank God this has never happened to me - I've been dumped before any man thought of cheating on me...)
I hear from women all the time who give plenty of "attention" to their men - but all the wrong kind. We're understanding because we can't tolerate or feel our anger, we DO let ourselves go - let's be honest here - and we do tend to distance ourselves from our sexual natures while taking care of everything else.
And as our libidos swoop downward (mine sure has) it takes some effort to bring it back up. Who wouldn't rather sit around and watch Jon Stewart? And what about the children in the background?
If I were a man, faced with low libido and an indifferent wife (nice, warm, but sexually indifferent) I would be as sorely tempted as I AM right now, low libido and all - when my husband seems distracted for a week - to go elsewhere.
But DOING that is something else. It requires almost a complete disconnect from reality and the decency we started with when we first got together.
And I say - bottom line...when you get to that point...it's easier, it seems, to get your excitement elsewhere, than to take the plunge into really, truly scary intimacy and TALK.
Love this site. Rori
Great comments and insight.
Great comments and insight. I have to admit, I am right there with you however, I wouldn't cheat, I would leave.
I agree, blame and fault, are the words that get under your skin and make you immediately defensive.
Great Post!
XOXO,
Freda
Founder
www.AlphaWomen.com
"Those Who Say It Can't Be Done Need To Get Out Of The Way Of Those Who Are Doing It!"
If your spouse is cheating
I have so much enjoyed this post and the comments others have followed with. First, I would like to say I am so thankful for other godly women who aren't afraid to talk about these subjects. Secondly, I've read both books by the author and found some truth, but not all truth.
I do believe that most men if they aren't being stroked, meant to feel important and their woman feeling confident in them, they get down. Then if their spouse is not interested in sex with them...look out. Its a deadly combination that doesn't do well in this world today. And too many woman are out there preying on these good men who stray because they're not feeling good about themselves.
Treat your man well and enjoy making love together and your chances of him cheating will be less. It goes both ways!
kimmiegirl
Again, great feedback and
Again, great feedback and insight.
Great Post!
XOXO,
Freda
Founder
www.AlphaWomen.com
"Those Who Say It Can't Be Done Need To Get Out Of The Way Of Those Who Are Doing It!"