Is It Okay To Remain Friends With Your Ex?

Posted May 8th, 2008 by Straight Talk

After my recent relationship dilemma I thought this might be a good question to address, “What are the rules on ex’s? Is it okay to be friends with an ex? Are you okay with your spouse/significant other/partner being friends with their ex’s? What is behind carrying over old relationships into new ones?

Freda Says: Because this topic is very fresh with me, I think I have some good insight into this. I don’t have an issue with ex’s or at least so I thought. In my situation this was something that was planned long before I came into the picture and therefore was legitimate. I was completely okay with his ex coming into to town to stay with him until he told me that he was attracted to her and she reminded him of me. Even then, the reality of the situation didn’t hit me. I am VERY slow in processing my thoughts, feelings and emotions. I should have said something right then and there. I should have said that I was feeling really insecure about the situation, but I didn’t know what I was feeling until six hours after he picked her up from the airport. My mom and my sister called me earlier in the afternoon to check on me and I was in high spirits, completely okay with everything, trusting and going about my day……..little did I know there was a tsunami brewing the depths of my bowels.

I think I have worked overtime to stuff and suppress any type of feelings and emotions of jealousy deep down inside me because a walk down memory lane reveals that ALL the men I dated were always trying to make me jealous with other women. So at some point, I promised myself I wouldn’t let anyone ever get to me on that level. And jealousy is just plain ugly, it destroys, it hurts and it is a very unattractive quality.

Looking back, I don’t think this guy was deliberately trying to hurt me or make me envious of his friend, he was just being completely honest with me and in his own way trying to make me feel comfortable. I just heard a few sentences.

It was my friend Gabe who said, “I give the guy a lot of credit for being honest with you about the whole situation.” He went on to say, “Most guys wouldn’t have bothered and would have slept with her anyway and just told you they were going out of town or something. The fact that he even bothered to tell you, and that he wanted you to meet her says a lot about him.” Thanks Gabe for always taking the opposite side from everyone else.

Approximately six hours later I digressed rapidly. My mind took over and I started envisioning hot, wild sex, kissing, and so much more. I think the straw that broke the camels back was the fact that all I could remember in my state of mind was that 1.) She reminded him of me……….HOW? And wouldn’t it be fair to say that I reminded him of HER since she was in the picture well before he met me? 2.) Was the small detail of them being alone together in his place for three nights. My imagination had a hay day. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t drink, I just festered with my thoughts. Grrrhhh By the time I met my married friends out for dinner, I had worked myself into a frenzy and could barely hold my tears back. I was a MESS.

Even when he tried to reach out to me, I wouldn’t have anything to do with him, I had made my decision and my decision was final! I didn’t want to be the butt of anyone’s jokes. But he was not them and I kept putting him into that category. Better to get out first then to be the one who is clueless!

Truth be told: I think most guys cheat. I have not had good experiences with men, I fled from the suburbs because of all the married men were constantly telling me about their “bitchy wives” and propositioning me. It was exhausting and really made me sad. It was the beginning of reality for me. I lost a lot of faith in men and in relationships. It is for that very reason that I like this guy, because he is very straight forward, honest and my friends really liked him too and that is why they set us up in the first place.

The two questions that I kept running through my mind were………1.) What does she have that I don’t have? and 2.) Why am I not good enough? Because of my past experiences these two questions haunt me. This situation was no exception.

Under different circumstances I would have loved to meet her and you know what?……I probably would have liked her.

I digress though…..back to Ex’s…..I am not friends with any of my ex’s. They are ex’s for a reason. I don't want any of them in my life. That being said, I dated quite a few jerks. The funny thing is that ALL of them have contacted me at some point or another to try and reconnect but these are the same guys who treated me like shit, couldn’t wait to be with whomever it was that was better than me and now all the sudden I am great again? No thank you! Not everyone has had bad experiences with their ex’s and they mutually just realized it wasn’t a good fit, or it didn’t work out and they are able to be friends. That is not my experience.

Sometimes women and men will try to be friends with a partner for no other reason than hoping that something will evolve if they are around enough. That can prove to be a pain in the ass, especially if your partner/so/spouse doesn’t “get it”. Constantly having another women throw you under a bus because she wants your man, is JUST exhausting. But I think if you really know your partner, trust your partner and you are secure within yourself, there is nothing wrong with it. Unless he wants to know if she can join you in the bedroom………..well then maybe there might be an issue.

I agree with Travis, you really have to know why your ex wants to be friends with you and you need to respect your partner’s wishes and LISTEN to what their gut is telling them too. Nothing like throwing a huge wedge into your relationship over a person you NEVER REALLY LIKED to begin with………that is why they are an EX!

Ohhh and by the way…….I gave him another chance because my heart tells me that he is truly a good person. What I realized is that I should have said something. It resurrected a lot of old fears from the past. I didn’t tell him or talk to him about it so he assumed I was fine. Funny thing is, I really liked this guy to begin with…..I would say I liked him A LOT. But it took another woman in the picture to really make me realize just how much I liked him. Strange how we work!

Gabe Says: Staying friends with an ex-girlfriend is fine theoretically and a disaster in practice. I have tried to maintain friendships with exes. I always felt that my current girlfriend needs to trust me enough to be comfortable with me and my ex being friends. Even without the complication of dealing with the situation of a current girlfriend and a former lover, being friends with an ex is hard. With all the history and feelings that don’t completely fade, seeing a woman I seriously dated let alone hanging out with her can be heart wrenching and tempting. And yet I feel that completely cutting ties is undignified, especially if the relationship ended honestly and with not too much insanity and I still enjoy the woman’s company. Undignified or not, being friends with an ex needs to be approached thoughtfully and sensitively.

After dating a woman for three years we had a relatively mutual break-up and I was fairly comfortable not dating her anymore. We hung out one time about a month after we split. I was fine and didn’t have any feelings resurface, at least not that I was aware. We saw each other platonically and spoke on the phone several times over the next year and it became increasingly difficult for me to avoid falling back in love with her. The situation reared its ugly head in a few drunken encounters and I expressed how I felt. She wisely thought it was too difficult for us to maintain a friendship and we stopped communicating… for about four months. Then she called me. It was not an ideal conversation as I did not recognize her voice – I was not expecting her to call after four months of not speaking. And I wasn’t in any position to have a long chat. I called her back later, she told me she couldn’t talk and would call me back. She never did.

Admittedly I tried ringing her a few times since and left a message once, but she has yet to return my calls. I think I’m done trying to reconnect. What results do I expect? I still care for her, but are we, or can we really friends? A friend is someone I can talk to when I need to, someone I can feel comfortable calling and fairly confident that my calls will be returned. What we have seems to be a lingering break-up.

So, no it’s not easy to friends with an ex-girlfriend, it’s probably not even a good idea no matter what I think about maintaining some kind of limited relationship. Because isn’t that what it is, a limited relationship? Why would I want that? So unless you’re a glutton for
punishment, can be completely unattached from a former relationship and embrace in its limited form, or really want to get back together with your ex, I say stay away after the breakup. That doesn’t mean I’m going
to take my own advice though. I guess I’m just a masochist.

JC Says: Personally, I have never kept in touch with an ex. None of my breakups were amiable and I no longer wanted these men in my life. The only exception I would make is for the father of my child. I believe I would have to make that work for my son’s sake. In the past, it has made me a little uncomfortable when a man I was dating kept in touch with past loves. Usually, it would not start to bother me until we were well into the relationship. If he asked, I would tell him I was uncomfortable, but I never asked him to stop being friends with these women. I do not feel I have the right to choose who someone I am seeing can and cannot be friends with.

The foundation of any good relationship is trust. I have to be able to trust my partner implicitly or the relationship will fail. That being said, it is my responsibility to learn to “deal” with it.

If I know he is keeping in touch with an ex so he has a “backup” and my relationship with him becomes serious, I would let him know how I feel. Depending on his response, I may or may not continue to see him. Example: he wants to maintain a relationship with a former “booty call,” I believe he needs to choose. If he chooses to keep her in his life, I can choose to leave.

Travis Says: There's often a fine line between friendship and a romantic relationship. Usually, once that line is crossed, it's hard to "take a step backwards" and become platonic with someone whom you were once intimate with. But, if you're both ready, it's really a great friendship that can be developed!

The ultimate question you must ask yourself, which will decide if you can be friends with an ex, is, "do I still have romantic feelings for this person?" If the answer is yes, then there is NO WAY you can be friends with that person without hurting yourself, or someone else in your life (i.e. your new love, your spouse, etc). That's because most people can't control their affection for another person, even if that person doesn't feel the same about them. In the end, if you retain feelings for an ex, you'll always be in the process of trying to rekindle the romantic relationship you once shared with them.

On the other hand, if both you and your ex no longer have romantic feelings for one another, then you totally CAN be friends! After all, you once were partners, so, in a sense, you already are best friends. Why shouldn't you be friends with someone who knows you as well as you know yourself?! Sure, it will be different than when you were romantically involved, but it will still give you the satisfaction of having good times with someone you care about, who knows you, and who you know too.

If you and your ex decide that you are ready to be friends after breaking up, both of your partners should trust you enough to be friends. BE SURE that you ARE READY to be JUST FRIENDS with the ex... If you're not, the repercussions will be ugly; for everyone.

Humans need each other, and we all need people who make us enjoy the lives that we live. Friendships are relationships we choose to be in; therefore we must be careful that those relationships will benefit everyone involved.

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Comments

shesaid says:

sex with the ex

Posted May 9th, 2008

As long as you know it's only sex, the physical act, no emotional attachmenmt. Can get you threw a dry spell when you are newly divorced. Especially if that's the only part of your marriage that was good.
It's safe and feels comfortable.

Freda Mooncotch says:

That is a very valid point!

Posted May 9th, 2008

That is a very valid point! I actually know a few women who divorced their husband but continue to have sex with them because they did enjoy that aspect of the relationship and it really helps get them through.

Great point. Thanks for sharing.

shesaid says:

Sex with Ex

Posted May 9th, 2008

Freda, thanks for your reply, some close friends felt sex with the ex was kind of sick or twisted, as long as we both knew what it was, with no expectations of reconciling, it's all good.

Secsi says:

I agree...

Posted May 9th, 2008

I am glad that my exboyfriend and I have been able to continue to have a sexual encounters. It took awhile to separate the physical from the emotional but thru time it is possible and so physically rewarding.

Freda Mooncotch says:

I think if you can separate

Posted May 9th, 2008

I think if you can separate the physical from the emotional and everyone is safe then I guess why not. I just couldn't or don't know how to detach from the emotional, but I guess you do what you gotta do to survive.

I know depriving yourself of physical contact is really hard too. Either way they both are tough.

Thanks for your comment.

ladymarmalade says:

staying friend is a different dimention

Posted May 16th, 2008

Good topic to we all should talk about. I am the “Best Friend” of my ex husband, but he is not my best friend. Whenever he needs that best friend I am there, whenever I need my best friend she is there for me! After 18 years of growing up together, sharing the best of everything together, enjoying the life together, graduating from College together, being cheated on not together hurt me so deeply! She worked on me hard, really hard. Sometimes pushed my feelings so deep that I thought I wasn’t going to able to get up and live my life again. Then I found a way to approach this by totally ignoring her. I always told that I pity her, because I knew how this was going to end. Indeed, they ended their marriage last year. Anyway she is calling me sometimes as I am a good friend, just to get his new phone number! Enjoying the situation I am not even picking up her calls. She sms me, uuh doesn’t matter. Although we had a smoother looking relationship with her by the time, because of my son’s sake , she is still no one to me. She realizes that I wasn’t joking when I caught them in my bedroom at the beginning. My best friend told me to take a deep breath and be a lady, and I did. Other women was no one to me, I yelled at her!!.You are NO ONE! Sometimes I feel resentment that I didn’t make it bigger fight, but most of the time believed I did the right thing. At the beginning of my single years I dated too many guys and lost track. Other than some dates like empty boxes, I am still good friend with most of my ex boyfriends, and their families and their new girlfriends, and whatever.
If you can do it, why not? Usually I get bored and lost interest when I am in the same room with my ex husband. I moved on completely. Long time ago I quit asking the “why” question in relationships. Noticed if there is no why questions relations works!Sometimes not in the way that we started,but in some other dimension..Just being a woman itself is harder than being a Martian So look at the mirror now, have you ever seen a talking mirror before? You should talk to yourself by looking in to your eyes on the mirror: Only you can do it!
The God never promised us for not challenging, God only promised us to be on our side when we hit by the most difficult times of the life!
Every morning take a deep breath and please believe you must feel grateful for whatever you have who ever you are.
At the end you are the only one who matter.

sadi_ranson says:

best friends

Posted May 20th, 2008

great and really interesting piece... made me think about my current and past situation so it really pertains to my life. I met my first husband when i was only eighteen, so we basically grew up together and we broke up when i was 28 and because i met someone else and fell in love and it was awful because i didn't handle it well (i.e. i didn't break up first - i just got involved with the other man, who is now my husband, so my instincts were right: my first boyfriend and i were too young and should never have gotten married and the man i'm with now is for the rest of my life probably (one can't predict the future, but.... it seems so... this is the best we can do,right?)

But my ex and i were BEST best best best friends and friends only (because basicaly, that's all we ever were in some ways - we were not an "intense" couple, but a happy and in-love young couple and there is a qualitative difference you know?) so we stayed friends, no sex, no sexual feelings, nothing like that on either side and he was my confidante, my ally, my best friend, everything and my fiance (now my husband) didn't mind because he understood the relationship was not sexual, so i spent a lot of time with my ex.

Trouble is, now that my EX has gotten married (to a woman i've never met - i'm assuming she doesn't want to meet ME - what other conclusion can i draw?) and he suddenly won't return my phone calls, call me, write to me, nothing; it's like our friendship, a very very close friendship, went cold turkey, and i can only assume that it was because of her - because before her it was fine.

I could be WRONG - it could be that he has decided that he's renarried and screw me, you know, and the hell with our friendship, but the timing is too near; he gets married and suddenly stops talking to me?????

Incredibly painful for someone i've been v, close to since i was eighteen and just awful.... i've tried calling and leaving "normal, hey how are ya" messages, but i'm wondering if i should just come out and say something.

any thoughts?

cheers,

http://www.tantmieux.squarespace.com
& - for new book (!)
http://tantmieux.squarespace.com/lewis-carroll/

Freda Mooncotch says:

That is a tough situation. I

Posted May 20th, 2008

That is a tough situation. I can't imagine how heart wrenching that has to be. Yes, I would at least attempt to talk with him and see what he says so at the very least you can have some sort of closure.

Any loss whether it be a friend or a lover is traumatic, especially since it sounded like you were sooooo close. I definitely would call him or write him a letter and tell him how you feel and see if he responds. Maybe he just needs some time to figure out his new situation.

You are right, his wife might be extremely jealous of your friendship and asked him to terminate any contact. If that is the case, well that is really tough.

Thanks for sharing and opening up.

Stephanie says:

I have been in this

Posted July 16th, 2008

I have been in this situation too many times to count. I know from experience the pain you went through.

Here's my take on it and I will stand by it til the day I die....

It is FINE to have friends of the opposite sex. BUT, once you have experienced a "relationship" with that person, it's a whole different ballgame! The feelings and memories are ALWAYS going to linger with one or other, because that's all they know of each other.

**Once there is attraction between the two, it is NO longer just a "friendship"**

He states that she (ex) reminded him of you. That sentence just sounds wrong just by itself. Sure, he may have not cheated on you physically (that you know of). There IS a such thing as emotionally cheating. He should have NO desire to want to see her AT ALL if he is content with you. He definitely didn't keep your feelings in mind when making that decision.

HOWEVER! He could be different than most men...you never know.

I hope things are going okay for you now and that you won't have to go through that again.