member for 22 weeks 5 days
Remember me? I'm the other woman (Or better said I WAS...) I finally broke free. That's why I've been crying so much and hiding under the bed. It happened three weeks ago, and I still can't believe I found the strenght to do it. I guess I'm like a lake that collects rain water it's whole life, and one day it's so full of it that it either finds a way to let some of it go or it will overflow and drown all life around it (Does it make sense?)
As I said, three weeks ago, the last drop of rain fell over me. I was already frustrated because Mr. "Love-of-my-life" had been sick and I couldn't spend much time taking care of him, but I still did what I could. I delivered food and medicine to his front door, some books, and my worried face suffering with him, hoping he would get better soon (He's the kind of guy that can't stay still, and seeing him unable to get up and do things by himself was killing me!. I was mad because, if he was completely free, I could have been there day and night to help him heal without worrying I would cause a scene if the "wife" suddenly appeared by the house for whatever reason. Anyway, he got better, he came over to my house as soon as he felt life coming back to him and everything was fine... until the weekend after when he announced he wouldn't be able to see me because he had some family event (Brother's 30th marriage anniversary), but not once he implied I could attend with him ( I was gonna work anyway, couldn't have gone, but I was expecting to be invited at least). I guess he thought it was no big deal, since it's not the first time this has happened, but I was overly sensitive (PMSing, full moon, work and money stressed) so I sent him a message saying I wanted to be alone for a couple of days because I didn't want him to see me bitter, to give me some time to think. That was the last time I heard from him.
I wrote him a letter explaining my reasons, and saying good bye. Never got an answer.
Since that day I've been waiting for something to happen and it has been horrible dealing with what I feel inside. They say time heals everything, but it's like time has stopped for me here. I'm not in denial anymore. I know it's real and for good this time, but I find it so hard to contain myself and avoid trying to contact him! I want him back... I miss him like hell... But I don't want to be the girlfriend on the side. I want him to be mine only, I'm not sure if I want to be his wife, but I want to be by his side, to love him, help him, support him in good times and bad times...
I have a theory. He'll come back... The problem is that whenever that has happened before it's too late. With former boyfriends, I'd let them go, cry a river, heal, and when they want to come back I'm either out of love for them or with someone new. I'm afraid this might happen. I don't want someone else! I want him! It's not an obsession... It's just that we had so much good stuff together that it would be hard to find again...
I know you are gonna say he can't possibly be that good, and that there is plenty of fish out there, but I don't even know where to start moving on (And it's going to be harder if I don't want to move on). Whenever I need to get out of a relationship, I'm so vulnerable that it's easy for opportunist guys to approach me, and I'm so broken and weak that it's hard to think with my head. I have been there before. I play the game, have fun for a while, and as soon as things start getting serious, I run like the wind. I don't think that's fair for them or for me. I know I should heal myself and then start dating, but I'm so scared of being alone! I get so depressed I'm afraid I would lose my mind sometimes...
In one of the controversial advices from the Oprah's list says "Stop making excuses for men's behaviors" but I can't help it. I need an oppinion from you girls.
He hasn't called me or tried to come back. We only messaged (Or I did and he answered) a couple of times. His answers are usually short and straight to the point. One time, before this happened, we had a conversation about our situation, and he said that even though he loved me with all his heart, he would respect my desition of staying away if I asked him. I have a male friend that went thru a similar situation and he says he (my man) hasn't tried to come back because he doesn't care. I refuse to believe that. I think he doesn't come back because he cares. I know his legal situation is not gonna change for I don't know how long (You can read the whole story in my past blogs) and I know him good enough to feel he is staying away to stop hurting me. You see, it would be easy for him to get with me if he tried, because he knows I'm dying without him, but he's not the kind of guy that would take advantage of the situation to satisfy his desires.
So my question is: How do I move on without closing doors to all possibility of us being together again one day? It's a small world too. If I start dating, he'll know, and then he'll think I have moved on for good and I'll really lose him forever. The thing is I don't want to find him one day and learn he's finally single but I didn't have the strenght to wait for things to settle down... I would never forgive myself if something like that happened. Then again, maybe it's all in my head, and he is completely fine without me, and I'll be waiting in vain...
P.S. Added to all the reasons I posted before for him not getting a divorce, his "wife's" mother passed away not too long ago of a heart problem at a young age. I think he would be afraid to cause her a distressing situation if she is genetically related to heart attacks. I'm sorry about her mother, but she needs to get a life!
Comments
Login or register to post a commentI don't have any wise words
I don't have any real wise words b/c this is something you just have to live through to understand. But I sense your hurt; and I'm sorry.
But I can say this, that one of the hardest parts for me; the most painful (that punctured my soul) was finally accepting that my (borrowed) man didn't really love me -- didn't really care. When you accept (and get over) that excruciating hurdle, you will just begin the healing process.
You don't need our opinion -- you need to believe what your heart and soul are already telling you. You already have the answer. What I hope you'll find at AW is support, friendship and a soft place to fall.
Having been there, I know that this will take time -- but you can do this. So again, my heart and prayers are with you.
lvshudiva
"There is no strong performance without a little fanaticism in the performer." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I'm sorry that you had to go
I'm sorry that you had to go through the same hell I'm living, and thank you for the love and advice... You are an example for me to follow and the living proof that the world doesn't end because some guy didn't love us enough.
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all...
Helen Keller.
This is gonna hurt...
This is gonna hurt to hear but....
Let this door close.
One of my favorite lines of a movie is from the movie "Frida." When she realized how bad she'd been hurt by Diego Rivera she says, "He never belonged to me."
It may seem like this man is your Diego, but he never belonged to you. I know it hurts worse than anything to go through something like this, and sometimes I think it's a myth to think that time heals. Time doesn't heal shit if your sitting around fantasizing about the way things never were.
I think the truth heals though. The truth of what and who you deserve, the truth of what kind of person deserves you. The truth of realizing what your relationship actually was with this man. When you open yourself up to the truth behind why you are attracted to unavailable men you'll start to realize that you have to make some changes to how you see yourself.
Nobody should have to settle for someone else's table scraps as love.
Find yourself the first fruits, not the leftovers.
You can do this. Loneliness is hard. REALLY hard. But it is better to be alone for the right reasons than with some tool for all the wrong ones.
"I paint my own reality." -Frida Kahlo
You Need to Say it AGAIN!
Only louder!! OMG, Beauty you hit the nail right on the head. Truth really does set you free!
Often as women, we hear only what we want to hear and see only what we want to see. When in most cases, a man is telling (and showing) you exactly how he feels about you, where his heart is really, and what kind of man he is.
The fact that my lover was married, was out there for me to see, if I had only opened my eyes. And the excuse I kept telling myself was "I didn't know he was married." But I knew. Even though it wasn't confirmed right away, in my heart and soul, I knew all along. It wasn't until I was able to accept the truth (about him and myself) that I found the courage to leave. But it did take time for me to get beyond the pain.
Yeah, it's gonna hurt...
lvshudiva
"There is no strong performance without a little fanaticism in the performer." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
I hear you. Some of us have
I hear you. Some of us have this way of dealing with things we don't want to see by making stories on our heads and taking them as the absolute truth. When the blindfold falls for some reason, it hurts so much we want to deny it, but that doesn't change a thing... The situation is still there, and it's time to do something about it. I'm there...
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all...
Helen Keller.
I am sorry...I shouldn't
I am sorry...I shouldn't have called him a tool. Let me rewrite that sentence...
...It is better to be alone for the right reasons, than with a man who isn't willing to give you his all, for the wrong reasons.
"I paint my own reality." -Frida Kahlo
I appreciate it... Life is
I appreciate it...
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all...
Helen Keller.
GREAT comments! I couldn't
GREAT comments! I couldn't agree more. Time doesn't heal shit if you are sitting around fantasizing about what wasn't. I see so many women, myself included, fantasizing about men that never gave themselves to them and probably never had any intention of ever giving themselves to them.
As women I think we need to be more logical when it comes to love and less chemical. I really think if we listened more to our guts we would make wiser, smarter decisions when it came to men. After all, according to Psychology Today, chemistry wears off after about four years. That is why the divorce rate is so high around the four year mark.
Don't mistake "love" for "intensity." I wasted a good portion of my life on the latter. It took me a long time to distinguish between the two!
Great Post!
XOXO,
Freda
Founder
www.AlphaWomen.com
"Those Who Say It Can't Be Done Need To Get Out Of The Way Of Those Who Are Doing It!"
It sucks waking up from the
It sucks waking up from the dream though... The sad part is that it is true that chemistry lasts so little... I see a lot of old couples together for many many years, and even though they love each other and they are probably going to die holding hands, the shine in their eyes and the sparkle of romance is gone...
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all...
Helen Keller.
RE: Let this door close.
I'm sorry that this happened to you, and wish that I could come up with the right words to soothe and perhaps give some advice. That's difficult for me to do, not knowing you and not having ever been in your shoes, but the other women here seem to have really framed their thoughts well. I think beautymark75 said it eloquently and simply when she said let this door close. A new door will open, eventually, and it will open on a new, brighter world, with infinite possibilities that are right for you.
Namaste,
- Jacqueline
_____
"Ce qui fait la nuit en nous peut laisser en nous les étoiles." ~ V. Hugo
Ah, thank you for your kind
Ah, thank you for your kind words... I hope you have the mouth of a prophet, because I want to be happy for good! I'm telling myself every day to let it go, and warm wishes from all of you girls has made me think more about myself and less about him...
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all...
Helen Keller.
You know, a couple of months
You know Danielle, a couple of months ago I was having issues with this boyfriend, and I was talking to a lady customer we don't like much for her low habits and big mouth. I hated her so much when she told me "Oh honey, you lost him a long time ago!, he never really belonged to you". Today as I read your comment with a clear head I realized how right she was, and I thank you for bringing that up. I know I need to work on my selfesteem now, because I was the "mistress" for so long that I learned to live with whatever that was given to me. It is hard, all right, but I'll have to bleed and learn...
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all...
Helen Keller.
Silence is an answer. I
Silence is an answer. I wouldn't say that this guy doesn't care about you, but is this really what you want? He obviously isn't willing to fully commit to you and that is also an answer. I'm afraid for you because you are in essence choosing to be alone by waiting for this unavailable man.
I wouldn't focus on whether or not he cares for you, I would focus rather, on what it is you want out of your relationship with him or any man in your future. You empowering him to control you, your thoughts, your choices and your self-esteem by attaching your worth with whether or not he cares about you (ie him not calling you back).
If you can gain power over your thoughts and mind and not fall back into fantasizing, you will heal and get over him a lot quicker than if you try to figure out how to hang on and salvage a "frienship" or possible future relationship with him.
You have to believe that you deserve better. No one can instill that belief in you.
Great Post!
XOXO,
Freda
Founder
www.AlphaWomen.com
"Those Who Say It Can't Be Done Need To Get Out Of The Way Of Those Who Are Doing It!"
So very true... It's amazing
So very true... It's amazing how there is so many things I already know and I refuse to admit when I'm under the spell of a man. Gosh I remember giving the same oppinion to a girl friend of mine once! She asked how long does it take for a man to say I love you from the heart, and I told her that if you ask and there is silence in between, there was her answer... I guess sometimes you need to hear it from someone else to believe it...
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all...
Helen Keller.
It really is
It really is like being under a spell...or at least that's the way I felt b/c years later I wondered what the hell was wrong with me to have put up with his lies and bs for so long -- although my close girlfriends said I was 'dickmatized'. But I finally realized that in order to break free of the spell I had to get control of my thoughts (as someone suggested) and sever all ties so that there was no way for interaction. I had to get myself back. But again, for me that didn't happen overnight...I grieved along time over the coulda, woulda, shoulda's -- and spent a lot of nights holding the phone wanting to call him.
You made the biggest step by just acknowledging what is...you'll handle the rest in your own way and get yourself back. And I promise you, this too shall pass.
lvshudiva
"There is no strong performance without a little fanaticism in the performer." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Dickmatized: my new favorite
Dickmatized: my new favorite word of 2008!!!!
Who hasn't been dickmatized? The cool thing is that we can all learn from each other. I am learning so much by the gems you all post! That is great.
I also agree with Freda. Silence is a very loud message that we sometimes ignore.
Gyrl, your ability to self reflect on this whole situation is amazing. It is the best thing you can do for yourself. And yes, you were the other woman and you feel bad about that, but everyone does things that in hindsight you would have done differently. That doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you made a decision that didn't work out so well for you in the end. You are learning from that, so pick yourself up, dust off, and try again (ode to destiny's child) -When I was in a similar situation I gave myself time to grieve the loss of the "idea of him" that I constructed (and was deceived into believing). It really helped me. So did destroying everything that reminded me of him and making art out of it!!
"I paint my own reality." -Frida Kahlo
Nice! they should put that
Nice! they should put that word on the merriam webster's dictionary: Dickmatized (adj. from the conj. of the noun dick= jerk, penis, and matized= derivated from hypnotized= in trance)
You know what the hardest part of forgetting and letting go is? The little material reminders of what was there. This whole town is full of little things that remind me of him. Even going to work is hard for me! (He lives 1/2 a block away from my workplace, so I have to live with the idea of him being so close and so far from me) I would move to another state if I could, but I can't do that to my daughter. Then there is the presents and things he gave me. I put away the pictures and his clothes, but pretty much everything in this house has his name on it, because when I first moved here, he helped me getting all settled with furniture, a bunch of shot glasses from every travel, even the bbq grill has a good story behind it... Then there is the jewlery (watches, diamonds, expensive sunglasses). I put it together with the clothes and the pictures, but it would be silly throwing it away, and selling it is not my style (I sold a beautiful diamond ring to one of my sisters from my last relationship and to this day I regret it). I tried giving them back to him twice (following the advice of my male friend that said there is nothing scarier than getting things back from a girl, because that means they really don't want anything that reminds them of him) , but he refuses to take them... So I guess they are gonna sit in the trunk until they lose their sentimental value and maybe I'll wear them again some day.
It still sucks, and the special talent guys have to mess with our minds is so unfair... Just yesterday, after the earthquake, I got a text message from him asking if I was ok, if I needed money, if things are going smooth at work (He knows there is always drama)... It's like he is staying away, but making sure I don't forget he's still there. They know you want out, but they keep you hanging on to their memories and making you feel they care. Dirty way to play the game, don't you think?
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all...
Helen Keller.
HOLY F'N SHIT!!! My ex
HOLY F'N SHIT!!! My ex texted me yesterday to ask how I was after the earthquake too!!! I haven't talked to him in 7 months and he drops that shit on me. He knows nobody died, why ask if I am okay??? Now all of a sudden he cares? Hmmm, yeah too little too late.
As far as living close to him. Well that is the worst. I don't know what would I would do in that situation. I am 3000 miles away from ex and I still had memories of him and material possessions that were unbearable to live with.
I will say, KEEP THE JEWELRY!!! Maybe you can find an artist who can melt it down and make new stuff out of it.
Are you in L.A.? Did I know that?? We need to get together if you are!
"I paint my own reality." -Frida Kahlo
See? I'm telling you! They
See? I'm telling you! They wanna make sure we know they are still alive and pretending to care...
And yes, I live in LA. I'm not sure I said it before (all part of laying low
And meeting with you sounds like a plan to me! There is many things I have to take care of this month, but soon I'll be back on my feet and ready to chit chat my life away...
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all...
Helen Keller.
your pain is shared.
I feel your pain I'm new on AW and your post was the 1st one i read I connected at once, i just didn't know what to say.
Time heals all wounds sometimes I think that's BS. Somethings hurt u so much that they become part of us but the scars leave us with lessons learned. As women we must never be afraid of falling because that is the only way to learn how to walk.
Take time to heal and time to learn how to love yourself. Breathe bebe and take one second at a time. Somehow everything will work out.
Don't worry there are others in similar situations out there, .
I totally agree with you.
I totally agree with you. Time doesn't make wounds dissapear. Sometimes they never heal completely and even if they do, the scars stay forever to remind us we are only human and pain is real. Thank you for you support, and know that every single loving comment I get from you girls makes me feel there is hope and that this too shall pass. (I can't believe it has been almost a month since last time I saw him, and I'm still standing up, and it's all thanks to my Alpha Women friends!)
XOXO Bebe
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all...
Helen Keller.
I was you
I have been you, It's so so hurtful. I loved him and I mean I have never loved like that before and will probably never again. The way he touched me, the childlike way we laughed and understood each other, the incredible electricity between us.. we wanted each other.
He married her whilst we were still seeing each other. I worked with him, alongside him alone at many times. It was hell. I was his in the week but not at weekends. I stayed in alone the day he got married and finally realised it wasn't me he wanted.
I am through it now it's taken me a while but I am there. Above all have faith in yourself.