member for 8 weeks 2 days
16 years of marriage and i am not sure of left from right.
my husband loves me (i think) somedays he is so sweet and other days he terrifies me. I have tried leaving several times and always come back. I have four beautiful children. I am always accused of flirting even if I say hi, i am an outgoing person and probally have flirted, which i might add is okay for him to do. I walk on eggshells all the time and nver know what each hour will bring. I have tried to talk to clergy and friends, but everyone that knows him thinks he is great and so that is gone, counseling not gonna happen have tried. I am depressed and over weight and really want to lose weight, but food seems to be my best friend, the one thing that does not hurt (for the moment) I used to be a happy, funloving, life loving, in shape woman, now I don't even like to look myself in the mirror and I put up a great front i could win an oscar for my performances. He can be so mean and hurtful. I don't even know who i am anymore.
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I'm sure I'm not alone here at AW when I say: I know his type!!
You deserve better! Your kids deserve better, too. They should be able to grow up in a world that teaches them how to treat other people rather than in a world that teaches them you are one way at home and someone completely different everywhere else.
During my first marriage I signed us up for marriage counseling and then promptly went to the first 4 sessions by myself. In the end it was the counselor who convinced me to leave.
The single most important lesson I learned is that your priorities must be very clear (and this is hard to stomach when you have children, but really think about it before you dismiss it completely):
You MUST take care of yourself first.
You take care of your relationship second.
You take care of your children third.
If you are not taking care of you, then nothing else will be as it should be.
If you are taking care of you, then your relationship will be a reflection of your own wants and needs. You will be a worthy partner to have, and will receive the same in return.
If you and your relationship are where they need to be (or at least positive works in progress) then your children will be receiving some of the most positive messages available to them.
I wish for you all the strength you'll need to make this break and start fresh for YOU. You can do it!
~feathermaye
“It's the movies that have really been running things in America ever since they were invented. They show you what to do, how to do it, when to do it, how to feel about it, and how to look how you feel about it.” ~Andy Warhol
The only person that can
The only person that can bring you peace is yourself. So get it for yourself, because you deserve it. He sounds very dominating and uncaring except when the world needs to see it. My vote is think about the situation you are in, your options. This is your happiness at stake. You are worth much, much more than he'll ever know.
"Be the change you wish to see in the world." - Gandhi
http://greendreamsveva.blogspot.com/
http://thegreenhoneybee.com
Dear friend... I understand
Dear friend...
I understand your situation you don't know to what point. I was in your shoes 5 years ago. I was married to the father of my child for 6 years, and all that time I had to put up with verbal and psychological abuse from a guy that under everybodies eyes was a "good person". I think it all started since the moment I said "I do". He took me for granted and I was so in love that didn't want to see the truth. I was unhappy all the time, so depressed that I almost went crazy and a couple of times fantasized about dying or just running away and leaving him and my baby behind. I wasn't allowed to have any friends, and when I bonded with a girl from work, he accused me of being a lesbian. I never got compliments, or christmas presents, not even a happy birthday wish, and I always tried to justify his actions by thinking that is just the way he is. Some people are colder than other, and I married an iceberg, what was I expecting?
The thing is I was so sad all the time that my only comfort was food. I gained a lot of weight and I felt even worse...
It was until I found a friend (male) at work that I finally saw the light. He made me feel beautiful, smart and wanted regardless of how heavy I was at the time. I don't think I need to get into too many details here... I fell in love.
I'm not saying you should have an affair yourself, but this person helped me find the real me. I went to a nutritionist and I lost 50 pounds. I exercised regularly and my husband was going mad with my sudden changes. He didn't even want to go out with me anymore because he couldn't stand other guys looking at me, and I didn't care about what he had to say about it. He wanted to have me in a dark corner and when I came out to the light, he felt threatened and became even more mean, but since I fell out of love with him, I was strong enough to fight back.
The situation got worse, and as if the mental abuse wasn't enough, he tried to hit me. That was the last time he would see me as his wife. I took my kid and walked out the door. I left everything behind. The house, the things in it, and the scared little me that would lock herself in the bathroom to cry for hours.
I'm not going to tell you it was easy. It was the hardest desition I have ever made and I thought more than once I had made a mistake. I had to work very hard to get myself together, but all I have to do is look at my little girl's face and everything makes sense. I can tell you I would never go back to that life. Not in a million years!
The relationship with the guy I told you about never got far. I moved to another city and lost contact with my old life (Including him). I had to live with my parents for a while (That was hard too!) and now I finally live by myself, with my daughter. Still working my ass off to pay bills but at the end of the day it's all worth it. I found a man I love, and that loves me back and treats me right, and I gained back most of the weight I lost, but for some reason I still feel beautiful and wanted, with love handles and all...
Good luck!
Its like reading a mirror
WOW! First of all, let me say BIG HUGS cause it sure sounds like you need one. Second of all, let me say that reading your post sounds like looking in a mirror.
I am now divorcing from my husband, for the second time. We were married the first time for almost 11 years. I left him shortly after our ten year anniversary because I felt exactly how you describe. I was depressed, over weight (okay the weight ain't gone yet), tired. I walked on eggshells all the time. I felt neglected and used and just plain old worn out. I was a mere shell of my former self - outgoing, fun loving, flirtatious to a degree, head strong. By the time I left him, I couldn't make a decision to save my life.
Lets look at this bit by bit okay?
You said "my husband loves me (i think) some days he is so sweet and other days he terrifies me."
First of all, if he's your husband, then there should be no doubt as to his love for you. If you're not certain all of the time that he loves you, this is a huge indicator that things are not well. Second of all, a spouse should never terrify us. What is it that terrifies you? Does he yell? Put you down? Hit you? Either way, none of those things are okay. They are all forms of abuse, be it emotional, or physical. No one has the right to terrify another person, period.
I'm gonna be blunt here, and please forgive me if I sound harsh, its not my intention at all,and I am in no way telling you what you should do, only you can make that decision but - marriage is supposed to be an enhancement to ourselves and our lives. I really hate that old saying "He completes me" because its bullshit. We are complete before we ever meet a man. If your husband makes you feel bad about yourself, he's got a problem, and that problem is that his own self esteem is so low that the only way he can feel good about himself in the capacity of husband is to exercise control over his spouse, either through verbal, mental or physical abuse. Any psychologist will tell you this.
For me and my own situation, I tried for five years to discuss things with my husband before I left. I tried every form of communication known to man, from the "You make me feel this way when you do that" conversation to the "I'm not happy" conversation and nothing worked. I left because I had to save my own sanity.
We were apart nearly four years before we got back together although we still saw each other because we too have four children.
After a while, we decided to try things again, and of course, with a divorce pending finality, it just didn't work out. While we were apart, I rediscovered the parts of me that I'd let go of during my marriage, and I'm just not willing to let go of them again. He couldn't handle it and decided he doesn't love me. It hurts, but its his loss, because I'm freakin' awesome and so are you! You are after all, an alpha woman!
Whatever decision you make, know that in the end, if you're happy, safe and healthy, then you've made the right choice. It is very scarey, the prospect of being "alone", but I think you'll soon discover that you're never quite as alone as you think you are.
I pray all the best for you
Cher Carter
"Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish"
CEO Carters-company.com