member for 8 weeks 1 day
I am so thankful for all of you and your amazing comments. I never would have imagined that their was such support out there. Your words of hope and encouragement I will keep with me throughout the day. After years of no one believing me and telling me that it was me or in my head, it is so refreshing to feel like someone is on my side and supporting me. My kids do deserve more and putting myself first is going to be a real challenge, because in 16 years i have never put myself first ever. I am not sure i know anymore. It is funny, not haha one time our bishop told me I needed to not be so selfish and that was about 7 years ago and I thought wow i didn't think i was but if he is saying maybe i am. it wasn't until recently that i thought that was wrong. but that is just an example of how my world sees my husband and what a great guy he is, cause he is the master of spin. and anything can become my fault and i know that i am not without fault, but i find myself saying sorry for the weather. It makes me, i can't hardly stop crying to think. We just finished a three year remodel on a house and moved my mother in law into an apartment we added on and i am supposed to take care of her, take care of children that i babysit and run my 4 kids to all their sports and friends and take care of his dog and the house. I want to just scream. I have metioned that I would like to get a job outside of home, my oldest daughter starts highschool in the fall and my youngest is in 2nd grade and he says ok as long as you can make the same amount of money. I have no insurance, haven't been to the doctor since my baby was born 7 years ago September. I want to work outside of the home, my kids think it is a good idea, other little kids invading their space is getting old after 8 years. I don't think he wants me to, so in a roundabout way i think he is sabatoging me. Well my work day is waking up. Kids I watch start coming asleep at 6:30am. Hopefully someone can help me with this question, he likes to wait until we are in bed and i am almost asleep at 11-12 at night and then start in on me about different things, and i am to a point where i wait until he is asleep to go to bed, i make stuff up about why i need to be up, how do i handle this while i am figuring the rest of my life out.
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Login or register to post a commentOh dear...
Oh my god... darling I'm so sorry to hear everything you are going thru! I can't believe you have to take care of your mother in law too! What the hell is he thinking?!? Your husband is a controlling freak!
I understand what you say when you end up being the one to blame for everything, I was there. When my ex-husband would get mad at me I would always end up saying sorry even when I knew for sure I did nothing wrong.
The fact that you wish to find a job outside is a good start. You have a purpose, now all you need is motivation and put your big girl panties on. Of course he doesn't want you to leave the house, that would mean you would be making new friends, share the responsability of the house and the kids and his own mother, and becoming financially independent (Men are terrified of a self sufficient woman, because when you don't need them financially or on the material plane, they are only good for one thing... And that's IF after seeing the real world outside your home with plenty of fish around, you still want HIS thing... they are afraid of competition, because then they would actually have to put some effort in having your attention)
That line he gave you of "You can work outside only if you can make the same amount of money" Is bullshit. He is just trying to make it look more difficult so you desist of your "crazy idea"
I know what you are saying when you don't want to go to bed until he's asleep. I used to "work" overtime just so I didn't have to come home and see his accusing face (for not being there to serve him and pamper him like a 2 year old kid.) I don't know what to tell you here. I ended up sleeping on a different room to avoid confrontation, but if he wants to fight, he'll find you anywhere. I don't know how irrational he can get, but try to make him understand you are very tired and would rather talk about it when you are not half asleep (And you can actually debate, and not just agree to keep things cool)
I really hope you find the strenght to get out and find a job. That would help you in so many ways! Just think about it... You would have to care more for your appearance, it will keep you away from food, you will meet new people, and you'll get payed for it! It may even save your marriage (If that is what you want) Because your husband will realize you are not his property and if he's smart he will try to win you back, and if it doesn't get better, then you'll be confident enough to make a desition.
As always, I know it's easy for all of us to say you should do this or do that, but at the end it's your call. You are the only one that knows what you heart wants and what you are capable of.
Good luck and remember we are here for you!
Oy Vei, Your husband sounds
Oy Vei, Your husband sounds like a piece of work. Guys like him are very calculating. He knows that if you get a job outside of the home that you might discover new interests, freedoms, and realities that will reveal how controlling and degrading he is being. It sounds like the "conditions" he is making about the type of job you are "allowed" to get are rules to be followed in his little dominion, and that's just not cool.
Everyone has different ideas of how a marriage relationship should work. I prefer the kind where there is equal balance and input, not one where one spouse tells the other what to do. That is not a relationship.
I would imagine that since things have been like this for so long that changing all of a sudden could be more detrimental to you than its worth.
I wonder what it would be like if you just started making decisions without asking him for his permission. What would he do if you confidently, but respectfully informed him that you were taking a job (of your choice). What would he do if you just told him that you were no longer going to work from home, and provided him with your new plan so that he could be in the know of your new direction.
I envision a "kill him with kindness" strategy.
"Hi honey, how was your day? Can I rub your feet for you? By the way, I got a job today. I won't be babysitting for your mother anymore so here is a list of very reputable care facilities for you to look into. Let me know if I can help you find a place where mom will be best taken care of. Oh, and by the way, I also bought some new clothes for my new job. They are to die for!!! Dinner will be ready in an hour, I made your favorite!!! And for dessert mama's got some sweet sugar waiting for you grrrrrr!"
He'll probably piss his pants, but its worth a try.
Another option that I learned from my favorite aunt...give him head and he'll give you whatever you want. Some may call that manipulation, I call it "makin it happen!"
Life is seriously too short for you to forget how important, valuable, strong, and capable you are. Don't wait for anyone to give you permission to live your life. Married or not.
"I paint my own reality." -Frida Kahlo