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How do you know if you’re a love junkie?
You can tell if you’re a love junkie if you meet someone new, and instead of a spark, you get the whole meteor shower. It's like you’re shooting up that skin-tingling, electric feeling of love, right into your heart. And “love” wakes you up. Now this could maybe be a sign of chemistry between two people--if you’re healthy. But love junkies aren’t healthy. You're a love junkie if you have a core of neediness and dependency that’s waiting to grasp onto someone. You want someone to rescue you, take care of you – the way your parents should have (and probably didn't). You have a big gaping hole that the wind howls through, and that distorts your perceptions of the world and especially of the destructive lovers you choose.
For years I thought I was unlucky in love. I also thought I was extra-passionate. I didn’t realize I was using these super-intense relationships to avoid unresolved pain, anger and grief from my past. Some people have to get hit upside the head to wake up. I am one of those people. One thing that woke me up was a friend’s response. I called to complain about another relationship ending after months of agonizing e-mailing, clinging, hanging-on, fighting and apologizing. I told her, half-joking, “Maybe there’s something wrong with me.” I expected her to say, Don’t be silly. You’re great. He wasn’t the right guy. Instead she said bluntly: “Maybe there IS something wrong with you.” I was mad as hell, but I couldn’t get her words out of my head. Those words eventually prompted me to go to my first twelve-step meeting for people who have addictive problems with love, sex, relationships and fantasy.
Comments
Login or register to post a commentWow this is very
Wow this is very interesting. I am not a love junkie; although I am quite affectionate, I find being by myself very liberating and, for me, necessary. I went through plenty of singleness (NOBODY) for years before I got married. I think the alone time helped me learn to love and become content with myself.
Good post!
GOod luck!
thanks!
I so appreciate your response. You sound really healthy. I love how you articulate that having that alone time and singleness helped you find yourself, and a freedom, and contentment with yourself so you had so much to bring into a marriage and into your life. Beautiful and inspiring! Thanks for commenting and sharing!
Rachel Resnick
Good for you for looking
Good for you for looking behind your anger response to your friend's comment!
Thanks!
Hi HermitWmn,
Thanks so much for your kind comment! I know, I'm really glad I was able to dig behind that anger response. My friend did me such a favor. I know it took courage, and true caring. Female friendships are amazing.
Rachel Resnick
Not a junkie
Usually when I meet someone and the chemistry is off the hook, the shower is between my legs not from a meteor
I tend to let the fantasy run wild and excite me for a couple days and then I get tired of it and move along. I'm not the clingy type but I did have a couple clingy & needy ex's and it made me mental.
There is a word I enjoy using to describe that "Off the wall we can do it anywhere" kinda feelin and it is Limerence.
In plain terms it is the falling-in-love-ness feeling that is not love. It's when the happy-happy-happy feeling fades and you realize he is a shitty little liar, then you move on to the next person.
How exactly can you do a 12 step program for fantasy? By its very nature it seems as though it would never end.....
xoxo Anje
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" -
Marilyn Monroe
Limerence...
Hey Anje,
I love that word, limerence! Well you just sound so damn healthy! You're lucky that you have so much presence of mind, and can enjoy the fantasy, see it for what it is, then let it go. And move on. It sounds like you've experienced other guys clinging to you. I only wish I were so healthy! I'm getting there though. I'm a work-in-progress.
See, for me, once that fantasy of the perfect person really takes root -- I have the hardest time shaking it off. I'm like a pit bull. And in my case, it's because of shaky roots in childhood that make me vulnerable to unhealthy meteor shower (or fireworks or whatever you want to call it!) -- meetings and relationships.
So what those 12 step programs help with -- is deprogramming. In the sense that -- you learn to recognize you get high off these unhealthy encounters. You learn to see it. You learn how to stop doing it. And you learn to fall in love with reality.
If that makes sense. And having a community of people who're also struggling with the same thing helps you see what you already are able to see -- the truth. And what's healthy. And just knowing you're not alone makes changing more possible.
At least that's what I've found.
I love that you have a Marilyn quote! She's amazing -- of course she also was about as unhealthy and troubled as they come -- about this stuff, too.
Thanks so much for reading the post and writing! I can't wait to check your blog posts out. I'm on deadline tonight though -- reading through new book before it goes to printer tomorrow -- what a great break this was!
Keep in touch.
RR
xo
Rachel Resnick