Picking Up The Tab - Who Pays? | AlphaWomen.com [beta]

Ahhh this is such a great question. Everything has changed. The rules have changed. Women now out earn men by a large number and find themselves in what might seem to be a very perplexing situation….Do I Pay? Does He Pay? Do we go Dutch?

Essentially, if women and men are earning about the same salaries (yes, I know on aggregate women receive 87 cents per the man's dollar, but is that true of 20 something’s or very recent college grads? - I doubt it) how should the whole dating ritual be approached, from a financial perspective? It is a tricky minefield to say the very least.

Freda Says: Last year the New York Times ran an article called Putting Money on the Table which essentially left it that many women wouldn't "date below their level". This is a great thought however, what happens when they may not find many at their level? What is worse is that many men are now collecting alimony from their more successful wives and it is not sitting well with women across the nation. The rules of engagement are definitely changing.

As women we have two tapes playing in our head that are constantly fighting with each other: Is a man less of a man if he is not the bread winner and what happens when I make more money? I suffer from this myself. I am a very strong, independent woman, I make my own money, pay my own bills, I buy my own food, I even WIPE my own ASS! Yet, I find it incredibly difficult to date someone where I am picking up the tab. It just doesn’t sit well with me.

When I am in a business arrangement, sure I pick up the tabs happily. But there is something that is passed from a man to a woman when he picks up the bill. I can’t explain it, nor will I try, but there is something very special about that. My father had nine kids, a wife, a qrap load of dogs and he paid for everything. Like many women, that is all I know. That being sad, many of the men who can afford to pay for everything are NOT the men I would choose to be with because on more than one occasion I find them to be assholes. There I said it.

I think it is a balance. If a man picks up your meals, then you have to really go the extra mile and “pick up” things for him, like cleaning the house, or doing the laundry, the point is YOU MUST SHOW appreciation in a way that really matters to him. Obviously I have moved far beyond the first date.

As far as the first date is concerned, if a guy asks me out, I am going with the impression that he is paying for me. I won’t ask, and if he doesn't, I won’t say anything, but any chance of any warm fuzzy feelings will dissipate and nine chances out of ten I probably will move on. That is just me though.

Now there is a big difference between asking someone out as a friend and asking someone out on a date date. First case: DUTCH, Second case: I think he should pay. I only pick up the full tab when I take my employees out, or I am doing food reviews. Otherwise, I don’t know, the tapes in my head are playing pretty loud at this point.

I end with this story: I dated a guy once who said to me he was going in debt while I was getting out of debt. Funny thing is that I am not a big eater, I don’t even like to sit down and eat and I am really picky about eating out, so as you can imagine, we didn’t dine out much. He DRANK a lot and confused his drinking with my food on the bill. Go figure. I thought he was insane. After about a month or so, I couldn’t do it anymore. I felt so neglected and every time we went to dinner it was monumental. I was scared to order anything……….maybe that is why I don’t eat much now?! Laughing Out Loud.

Gabe Says: Do I open the door for the woman? She’s an independent high-powered female, who is higher in the company ranks and makes more money than me. A simple question requiring a simple answer, but in this complicated time the wrong move can be costly. She might be offended. She might think I am treating her as a helpless girl unable to open the door for herself. Or if I don’t open the door she might think me an uncourteous buffoon. Yes, a slightly more comfortable problem than some corporate women go through while climbing the corporate ladder and dealing with the wondering-hands of executive men, yet uncomfortable nonetheless.

Equal rights and equal opportunities between the sexes are essential in contemporary society and this relatively new reality creates complications in the behavioral norms and courting traditions, especially when dealing with the simple concept of opening doors and paying for meals on a date. Historically men make the money while women bare and rear children, and cook, and clean. This has gone on for millennia and is a difficult social and cultural habit to break. Many blame modern men for the inequality, yet women shoulder some guilt too. Why, because many modern women want a man who makes a lot of money. They want security and they want someone who will take care of them. If they don’t want the financial security because they can take care of themselves, they at least want a male of similar or higher social status. And in case you haven’t lived in the US for the past 100 years, social status is based on the number of commas in the value of one’s net assets. Well of course social status (ahem, money) can be important and parents inadvertently or very deliberately train their daughters how to gauge a man’s viability, and their sons how to gauge their own, based on wealth. (Men also judge other men based on the money they make.) So the vestigial remnants of these social practices will exist as along as we perpetuate potential partner value on money. Not that this is a bad yardstick, it just depends on what men and women are looking for in a partner.

Moving contemporary culture forward requires a change in thought on the part of both sexes. Men and women need to prioritize what is important in a partner and determine what they want. If money is important it’s good to know that and wise to be honest about it. Knowing what you want in dating is no different. Strong, confident, and financially independent women, that have had to work harder for their position than their male counterparts, should have no problem asking men out on dates. When they do ask men out, they should also be willing to pay. This is the same for men. Following tradition, men who ask women out, should be willing to cover the bill. Men should also be comfortable enough and confident enough in their masculinity that having a woman pay is not ego-damaging. Ultimately it’s important to know that what you want when going on a date. Depending on various circumstances, it’s very telling how a person handles the check. A woman who asks a man out and requires him to pay the bill might not be the right female for that guy (gold digger possibly?). If a guy insists on paying in the same situation, he might be too controlling. Finding this out upfront on a first date is priceless and worth the time and money spent on the date.

Back to opening the door for the high-powered woman: Do I open the door? YES. Because that’s what I do for my mother, grandmother, and sister. Not because they can’t open the doors themselves, but out of respect. If the high-powered woman gets offended, she’s ungrateful, possibly even (god forbid) unrefined.

Elie Says: Picking up the tab shouldn't be a question of who earns more, etc. I believe if a guy is really interested in you, he should pick up the entire tab, that’s the sign of a real gentleman. Good manners have been sorely lacking and I expect a guy to open my door, help me with my coat or jacket, help me get seated at a table or bar, and buy me dinner and drinks.

If the date is a success, then I send him a card and some flowers thanking him for a wonderful evening. I've found this means a lot to a guy, and usually, this is the start of a wonderful courtship, friendship and a great relationship.

Can or should a woman pay for lunch or dinner? Sure, but not on the first date.

JC Says: I am not currently dating, but I can tell you what I did when I was and what I would expect today.

If a man asks a woman out, it is my belief that he should pay on the first date. If the woman asks the man, she should pick up the check. If she is concerned about his reaction, she should hand her credit card to the waitress if he excuses himself from the table at any time during the meal. This way it is taken care of and there will be little argument on his part.

Before I achieved the level of success I now have, I dated men who were much better off financially than I was. While I could not afford the dinner tab, I could afford to treat him to an unexpected trip for ice cream, drink or two, movie etc. I always enjoyed contributing, I did not have to be at the same level, but it made me feel better about myself.

If I were to start dating a man who is not as well off as I am, I would hope he would want to contribute in the little ways as well. This is not for financial reasons, but I believe it puts the man and woman on more equal ground. It is the gesture that is important, not that the dollars spent are equal.

If the man and woman are on equal ground financially, take turns picking up the tab. Splitting it is a pain, so just offer to pay every other time. Some men may be against this and if so, it is best to let him take care of the bill. The woman can always contribute if she wants too. Make him a nice dinner, give him a massage, take a walk by the lake and have a picnic, or better yet, surprise him with a romantic getaway out of town. As I said, it is important to me that I “pull my weight”, I need to be on equal ground in all of my relationships.

Travis Says: Who pays for the first date is a challenging question. I know that it's always up in the air when I go on a date (because we're BOTH men!). Most of the heterosexual men that I know have been taught that men always pay for the first date. My mother raised me with text book manners, and one of the things that she always said was that I must always pay for a girl if I went on a date. I'm really not certain if that rule applies anymore.

I think the best way to decide who pays is this: Whomever ASKED the other to go on a date, pays!! If someone is taking time out of their schedule to spend time with you, they at least deserve the courtesy of you footing the bill. Therefore, no matter your gender, If you ask for the date, you better be willing to pay.

Now, after the first date...that's a different story. No one should be picking up all the tabs. It really makes a bad impression if you keep passing the bill to your date, and you don't want to turn things sour before they have a chance to get sweet!

Straight Talk:
Anal Sex. Yes or No?
My Partner Wants Me To Watch Porn!
What Do You Fantasize About While Masturbating?
What's Your Number? How Many Partners Have You Had?
Saying "NO" To Sex Without Rejecting Your Partner.
How Much Masturbation Is Healthy?
My S/O Has Been Begging Me To Have Phone Sex With Him. I'm Not Sure I Can Do This!
My Partner Wants To Video Tape Us Having Sex.
My S/O is very intrigued about swinging or having a fling with another couple.
What Do You Fantasize About While Masturbating?
When Do You Ask For A Blood Test?
Should A Woman Be The First To Say "I Love You"?
Texting, Emailing, Dating - What Do These Three Things Have in Common?
I'm Not Attracted To My Partner But He Pays The Bills. Is This Fair?
Would You Trim That Bush Already?
Waxing- Part 2 - Ingrown Hairs
Hairy Bank
My Nazi Waxologist
Waxed Bare!
Are Women More Monogamous Then Men?
Business Woman's Facelift
Not Now Dear! I Have A Headache.
Would You Sleep With Your Boss To Climb The Corporate Ladder?
I Think My Partner Is Holding Me Back!
Sex With Your Ex?
Is It Okay To Remain Friends With Your Ex?
Starting Over After The Loss Of A Loved One.
Picking Up The Tab. Who Pays?
Taking Sex To The Green Level
Settle Or Wait?
Internet Relationships. Is It Cheating?
Why Do Men Like Eliot Spitzer Pay For Sex?
What Is Cheating?
When Is A Relationship Too Much Work?
How Do You Let Go?
Can You Tell When A Relationship Is Over?
Can You Gauge the Health of Your Relationship By the Frequency of Your Sex?
Younger Women Dating Older Men - Right or Wrong?

Straight Talk Videos:
Freda & Katherine on Being Single, Dating, and Relationships - Part 1
Freda & Katherine - on Men, Dating and Relationships - Part 2
Freda & Katherine on Dating - Part 3
Freda & Katherine on Dating & Relationships - Part 4
Sex Talk: Condoms and Lubricants
Sex Talk: Lotions, Toys and Games!
Sex Talk: Vibrators - Part I
Sex Talk: Luxury Vibrators - Part 2
Sex Talk: Dildos - Part 3

For Your Man:

Multiple Orgasms For Your Man - Part 1
Multiple Orgasms For Your Man - Part 2
Oral Sex For His Pleasure

Bookmark/Search this post with:

Comments

simona says:

extra mile for him like cleaning the house??!?!

Posted April 28th, 2008

LOL...

I'm french canadian but now living in Los Angeles/USA since 3 years now. I noticed HUGE (enormous) differences between the love and date relationships between Canada and L.A.. Much more stereotypical here in L.A. then Montreal Canada where I come from (and not just the poeple here, but TV shows, publicity...). The man must open every door to the woman, full the fuel tank for her car at service station (even if the woman is driving ehr own car?!?), pay for dinner etc etc... Couples are most of the time married as well, and not married in the 30s married at 20 something years old!!!

Where I come from poeple are searching for their equal (fairly the same look, same salaries, same hobbies...) they pay 50-50 for everything, woman can open doors and pay dinner for her man and vice versa!!! And most of the couples are NOT MARRIED, but partners (and its government ok!) and they can raise a family like that!

From my point of view american people here in L.A. (maybe all the americans are like that as well I don't know I just know L.A. for the moment) looks like they are affraid about gender infringement or something like that in general, affraid to look inapropriate. They are acting a kind of a perfect way to be, instead of just living their life and try things. It's a weird feeling I have when I saw them 'acting' like that! And you know what, lots of men are affraid of me because I'm woman who is saying her real feelings the way it comes(at work, in partys with my boyfriend...). But per chance, I brought my canadian bf with me when moving in L.A. and he is not affraid of me because I'm authentic and making money, in fact thats what he likes from me Smiling . Maybe it's just cultural differences, but please, do not say things here thinking you are talking for the rest of the planet!!! There are several diffent kind of cultures and point of view.

AlphaWomen.com [beta]

Picking Up The Tab - Who Pays?

Comments

extra mile for him like cleaning the house??!?!

Join AlphaWomen!

Meet this week's Featured Alpha Women!

Recently Joined Alpha Women

Most Discussed

Most Viewed

Most Emailed