A man wrote into me this week about something that I myself have often contemplated: Is Sex Necessary? “I was thinking about how sex, intimacy or the lack of affect a relationship. This was spawned by this article: No Sex For All-Girl Fish Species and this podcast

He goes on, “I met a woman who was perfect, but all she wanted to do was make out. And the first time we made out she stopped me a told me, "I made a promise to God that I wouldn't have sex until I got married." Besides the God and the married part, I was a little uncomfortable, and this brought up a lot of questions about whether sex is necessary in a relationship, especially sex before marriage and sex after marriage. Is sex necessary at all? Well, to procreate of course. But is it necessary for the well being of a person and two people in a relationship. I say yes, but is it really?”

Sophia Says: I don’t think sex is necessary in order to have a great relationship. The more I think about this the more I see that the best relationships I have had have been “sexless”. I think sex is the icing on the cake if everything else goes well, but if you don’t have the initial ingredients of respect, communication, admiration, adoration, trust, honesty and integrity then at the end of the day all you have is sex. As good as sex is, and this is from someone who LOVES sex, it is not the end all.

The older I get the more value and emphasis I am putting on the intimacy cultivated between two people. I value friendship more than I want “hot sex.” I have a strong desire and need for sex, but I feel like sex can really screw things up, especially if you place A LOT of emphasis on it. But when sex is put in its proper place within the relationship - a way to communicate love, passion, romance, intimacy, respect, and of course to get to that happy place - it seems far less important to me.

I know people who have been married for years and they have sex once or twice a week if that. Does this mean they don’t love each other or that they don’t still have it going on for each other? Society says yes. Statistics say yes, I say no way. I think our society has it all backwards. We have placed so much attention in-between our legs so much so that so many people have forgotten what true intimacy is.

I mean look at the divorce rate. We are at 50% within and without the church. Everyone is in search of “hot” sex but the problem is that once you get on that road, there is no end to it. Once you tease yourself with more, better, hotter, the more escalated your experiences have to get in order to satisfy that monster. Sex isn’t the issue, but it is the emphasis placed on sex that is the issue.

Hopefully when you find the right person and you get married sex becomes an expression or LACK of expression of your love for each other. Many people think they get bored because TV says you should be bored after so many years. Many people also think they should be having MORE sex, and MORE INTENSE sex because that is what is fed to us on so many levels.

Don’t get me wrong, sex is fun, sex is fun to talk about, sex is fun to have. But it can take many different forms and meaning with the wrong emphasis placed on it. I would rather have a solid, amazing friendship with a man than to have sex with twenty different men. I mean what do you do when your man starts to approach sixty and he just isn’t thirty in bed anymore, but you have an otherwise amazing relationship? Do you toss him out? Do you throw away an otherwise great relationship to pursue hot sex? I know men have been doing this to women for centuries, but I think the tides are changing in women's favor. I would keep the man, get rid of the illusions and enjoy the friendship that exists.

At some point in every relationship, after having sex with the same person for so many years you are bound to get bored. What do you do? Throw it away? I suppose that is an option and many men and women alike are doing just that, but maybe if less emphasis is placed on our genitals and the so called “ecstasy” of a brief moment that a fling can give us, there just might be so much more to life.

So is sex necessary to have a great relationship? I say, “Yes and No.”

Gabe Says: Sex is one of the greatest expressions of love two people can share. Sex is also tricky because there is a chemical and primordial need to have it, not to mention it feels good, and because we are different than other animals, sex has emotions attached. When my father gave me my sex talk right before my sixteenth birthday he told me I was going to be driving and having girls in the car. He said I’d be necking. He said I’d have urges. Then he said something very prophetic. He said “just remember son, there are a lot of emotions involved.” That’s it, that’s all he said. He was right sex has lots of feelings - feelings of lust, anticipation, immense pleasure, love, and ecstasy. My mother found out my dad didn’t really talk to me about sex in the way she would have preferred. She told me, “now Gabriel, a moment pleasure can lead to a lifetime of pain.” They were both right as I found out. Some of the emotions my dad was talking about included pain, not a lifetime as my mother plainly stated. But there can be pain and there can also be feelings of anger, remorse, regret, anxiety, and fear. Yet, I need sex in a relationship. Not at the young age of sixteen, but as an adult it is an act that two caring and loving people can share responsibly. If I am attracted to a woman, I most likely want to sleep with her. It’s not something I need to do quickly, but if a woman qualifies having sex with marriage or some rule, then I am probably going to lose interest. Sex is one of my needs in a serious relationship and I need a woman who shares this sentiment. But it is important for me to note that I don’t get into relationships to have sex. Sex tends to be a natural progression of a good relationship. And good sex is usually a product of a good relationship.

Sex in many ways is just an extension of physical affection between two loving adults. If you are sexually turned-on by holding hands with the one you love, isn’t that a distant sexual sentiment. Why suppress it? I’m not suggesting impulsively jump in bed, but if it leads to that and the timing is right, why deny the feeling? Are either of the people in the relationship going to be any less attached if there is already sexual affection?

And yes, sex can be complicated because of social conditioning. Some, if not most, women tend to feel like they are giving something to the men when they make love. So, in my experience, they tend to be less likely to “give it up.” They are afraid they’ll be called a slut and they’ll lose self and peer respect. This is a legitimate concern given the society we live in. Furthering this complication, men feel very different. Men don’t worry about being called a slut. Our social conditioning is to have sex triumphantly like we are summiting a high peak. This is all very strange. Two adults are sharing something when they make love, not winning and losing. Both are winning as far as I can tell as long as the sex is mutually enjoyed.

And yes, as already stated sex can lead to complications in a relationship because sex is serious and emotional. It is a deeply intimate experience that tends to expose us not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. To have that experience feel trivialized with a break-up can be painful. But does anyone get into a relationship expecting to break-up?

Yes, sex is necessary between two loving people in a serious relationship. It’s not something to be taken lightly, but neither is a serious relationship.

JC Says: Do human beings “need” sex? As a woman in a “sexless” marriage, my first response was YES….we need sex. Then I decided I should take some time and really think about it and not just go with my gut reaction.

Granted, without sex I can get very frustrated, but I am fully capable of taking care of that myself. I believe that what sex provides for most people a deep emotional connection to their partner. Humans are, by nature, social creatures. Very few of us are able to live in isolation, we need interaction and affection. Premature babies grow faster and become stronger when they are held and touched, adults do too. When we are in good relationships where our emotional needs are being met and we are emotionally connecting (maybe through sex), we are happier and stronger.

There are many people who wait to have sex or who are physically unable to have sex. Am I suggesting that they are not feeling this connection to their partner? Absolutely not. If a person chooses not to, or cannot, have sex, they usually find another way to “connect” to their partner on this deep level. They are still having their emotional needs met.

So, if I am in a ‘sexless” marriage, why haven’t I found a way to connect with my husband to get what I need emotionally? Good question. I suppose when you have been married for as long as I have, it is easy to fall back on the familiar (sex). When one party no longer wants to connect sexually, it becomes very difficult for the willing partner to suggest alternatives.

So, do human beings “need” sex? No, but it sure is nice.

Elie Says: That's a good question. If a boy, man, girl or woman makes a commitment to wait until they are married to engage in sex because of religious or deep moral convictions, there is nothing wrong with that. Matter of fact, there are Chastity Rings many teenagers are wearing to signify their commitment to waiting until they are married before having sexual relations. With all the sexually transmitted diseases, including Hepatitis C, and HIV infections on the rise, it's no wonder many people romantically involved (straight or homosexual) are cautious.

Regarding lack of sex in a relationship or marriage can be several things. This can be a sign of depression, illness, undergoing medical treatment such as chemotherapy, radiation treatments. For women, fluctuating hormones during pregnancy or entering the peri-menopausal stage of your life. Lack of sex in a relationship or marriage can be a sign that a spouse or partner has become unfaithful.

Romance in a relationship or marital relationship is one of the cornerstones of why two people fall in love and stay together. The others are trust, commitment and loyalty.

My mother used to say, "Why buy candy when you're giving it all away for free."

Travis Says: I've been asking myself this question a lot as of late. I'm currently in a relationship with a man who is not a sexual person, but I am a sexual person (not over-sexed, but sexual none-the-less).

This relationship has made me happier than any other relationship that I've ever had (that includes romantic and non-romantic). I feel completely happy and fulfilled with my current boyfriend, and he understands me better than anyone else I know. We have a wonderful chemistry, and we allow each other to be the real people that we are. We never compromise our true identity for the one another...we accept one another for all of our oddities, talents, habits, etc. And all of those traits, good and bad, are why we love each other. He's my very best friend, and I'm his, and that's why we're perfect partners.

But, the one problem that arises is the act of sex. His sex drive is minimal, and mine is more than adequate. I'm sure it's frustrating to him to have a boyfriend who's always "in the mood," as it is sometimes frustrating to me to have a boyfriend who isn't ever "in the mood." But, really, it doesn't matter! I've never once thought about looking for sexual satisfaction elsewhere, nor have I thought that it is a problem in our relationship.

I've always wanted someone that could be my companion in all situations, someone who understood me as well as I understood myself, and someone who could bring me happiness simply through his presence. I've found that in my boyfriend. Sex is merely the "icing on the cake," in our relationship. It's almost a superfluous element of our bond, and, although I may DESIRE it at this point in my life, I know that at some point sex will no longer be a desire, and it may not even be a possibility.

I hope that, as an older man, I'll have found someone who fulfills me in the aspects of my life that will always matter. I think that sexuality is surely a part of any romantic relationship, BUT, it is NOT a necessary part of every relationship. Sexuality does not necessarily fulfill one's mind and spirit, whereas a true, lasting bond with another person may do so.