CourtneyAWalsh member for 6 weeks 3 days Send a message

It seems like all I do is speak about suicide these days. In trying to raise awareness about depression and mental hygiene, mood management, etc. I have become the thing I never thought I would become: a poster child for a good cause.

Ok---so there are worse fates. Like for example...if my suicide attempt four years ago had not been interrupted, I wouldn't be typing this now. So I am grateful for my soapbox life right now. Grateful to have a message and a voice and the passion to deliver it. Grateful to have people who read my story and say, "Me, too."

When I go to a high school or college to do a suicide awareness talk, I look out at the audience and I think: "Here I go...time to get naked again." Because there is really nothing more intimate than revealing your deepest, darkest fears before a crowd of complete strangers. But you know what? In this case? There is also nothing more liberating or fulfilling.

I wrote my memoir, "Lipstick and Thongs in the Loony Bin" for several reasons. First and foremost because during my time at the mental hospital or as I cheekily referred to it, "The Bin" or "Club Med", I looked around for personal tales of hope, healing and humor. I found a sum total of ZERO that had all three factors. There were well written personal accounts that read beautifully but were...well...depressing. There were clinical accounts that were informative but frankly terrifying.

I just wanted to connect to someone who had come out the other side, that hand through the darkness that could reassure me that I'd be ok...better than ok. I'd be well. That I wouldn't just survive, I would and could thrive.

So, in the absence of finding that hand or that voice, I became that voice and that hand speaking up and reaching out and out again and again.

And I haven't really looked back except when I retell my story over and over to strangers and answer occasional brutal questions like, "Did you really look up how to commit suicide on the internet...why?"

But mostly, people have been incredibly receptive and supportive, open and willing to share or listen or nod or come up after my talks during the book signing portion and spend a moment telling me they are glad that my attempt failed and that I am doing what I am doing or that they lost a cousin/brother/uncle/mother/friend/neighbor/teacher to suicide and wish they'd met me sooner.

To that I almost always say: "There was nothing you could have done." Because by that point they are wrestling with horrific guilt and beating themselves up for every unkind or neglectful moment they have blown up in their minds.

But for the ones still here who are hiding the stigma of their own thoughts, who are drowning in wanting to die but truly wanting to live authentically...there is a LOT that can be done. And for those people? I don't mind the whole poster child thing so much.

Author Bio:
Courtney A. Walsh http://www.courtneyawalsh.com is an experienced blogger http://www.scribechickie.blogspot.com, a communications professional, a freelance writer, an adventurer, a seeker, and a gypsy. With an extensive background in marketing, advertising, creative writing, film, cultural studies, and languages (not to mention having mastered the art of overblown self-aggrandizement), Walsh has worked with the U.S. National Park Service and on a project for MTV’s Real World. Recently, she completed a memoir, Lipstick and Thongs in the Loony Bin, http://www.lipstickandthongbook.com and was on the Fox network’s Morning show with Mike and Juliet: http://www.youtube.com/courtneyawalsh