member for 28 weeks 4 days
I'll start with the disclaimer: I'm probably not your typical woman. Or at least I'm not your stereotypical woman. Perhaps there's a difference.
Let me explain. I don't wear makeup. I don't own a pair of not-sensible shoes. I generally don't carry a purse - unless I'm crazy enough to be caught in a pair of dress pants that don't have a pocket for my wallet. I rarely wear skirts. I'm the only female on my team at work in a male-dominated field, and I usually find myself in the minority in any workplace.
But let's get things straight. I'm not masculine. I'm not unfeminine. I'm... well, I'm just me. Maybe I'm what you'd call a grown-up Tom Boy, though I hate that term.
I have a good friend who's trans. She's just becoming female at 25 (though that's over-simplify things a great deal), and she and I go round and round about what defines a woman. I find it both infuriating and incredibly intriguing. She's into the lipstick and the fashion and all the things that I view as stereotypes which fall into the Not Required To Be A Woman At All category.
But then I came across this site (AlphaWomen, that is) and I see the graphics on the header -- of the lanky women in their high heals and cute dresses -- and I see the blog category set aside specifically for Shoes & Handbags. And I wonder. Maybe it's just me that thinks this of these things as stereotypes (I have my doubts, however, or I wouldn't be writing this post).
Obviously this site is appealing to a lot of women who are eager to write about... well, things that just don't appeal to me. I'm happy in my marriage, I'm balanced between personal and professional lives, I don't give a damn about what skin cream to use, and could care less about handbags. I don't need anyone else to tell me what to think or what to buy or where to go or what to do.
So, what about you? Feeling constrained by stereotypes? What defines a woman? What doesn't?
I'm interested in your opinions.
Comments
Login or register to post a commentGreat topic
I think being a woman is doing what you just did: defining and accepting yourself for who you are.
I break just about every stereotype in the book.
I have to ask my gay male friends what is in fashion. Not that I really care, my wardrobe consists of yoga track suits for the day and stripper heels for night. I have 3 sundresses that I bought in 2004 for my honeymoon and 3 outfits that I rotate for going out in wintertime.
My husband made me go out and buy a "nice" handbag when we went to visit his family. "You're thirty years old now," he told me "go get a big-girl purse" I DESPISE shopping, so he picked out a black crocodile Brighton at the airport.
Nevertheless, I have found that as I grow older, I appreciate befriending people who are NOT like me. I learn a lot more.
Love the pictures. My husband is an arborist.
My Blog http://blog.myspace.com/azavalon
To Book Travel: http://destinationavalon.worldventures.com
To Join My Travel Team
http://destinationavalon.worldventures.biz
Email Me: destinationavalon@gmail.com
Fashion and feminity
Thanks for your lengthy and personal comment!
I could probably write a volume on some of your points, like how you still use the sundresses bought for your honeymoon and rotate a few favorite outfits (that's a good thing, in my opinion, but probably one that deserves its own post), or about befriending people who are not like ourselves because it broadens our world view (again, another post in and of itself)...
...but instead I'll stay on topic and just address the comment you made about how being a woman is defining and accepting yourself for who you are. Absolutely. That should also be what it's about to be a man. It's about what it is to be an individual, and it's too bad that so many people have difficulty believing in themselves enough to define themselves from the inside rather than what they hear or see in the world around them. Not that outside influences are all bad - far from it, because they allow us to embrace similarities as well as differences, and to facilitate surrounding ourselves with people who have strengths where we might personally have weaknesses.
My husband and I had a nice long discussion on this question about what defines gender last night after I posted this. We decided that the concept of gender is defined by a mix of culture and psychology, and that the ratio between the two differs from individual to individual. So, for many women of the West, it's about the material elements we were raised to appreciate, or the roles we feel we're expected to take, while for women of another culture it might be something entirely different, and throughout the world there are women who aim to define themselves less by culture and more by their internal psychology - though of course cultural influences are practically inescapable, and depending on where you live in the world you may feel more or less able to express this internal idea of what makes you who you are within the expectations of a culture, religion, or society.
I'm rambling a bit, so I'll wrap this up. It's good to see so many comments from other women who don't feel burdened by the constraints of stereotypes.
And on a personal note, I'm glad you enjoyed the photo - I was trying to find a photo of myself that struck the balance between feminine form and stereotypically-male work. I'm rather fond of this one.
- Jacqueline
_____
"Ce qui fait la nuit en nous peut laisser en nous les étoiles." ~ V. Hugo
Great Post
Thank you so much for posting this! It is very thoughtful, honest, and raises a great question; what does it mean to be a woman?
I do happen to be a woman who likes shoes and an occasional mani-pedicure. My favorite color is actually pink, and even though I am 32 years old, I still can't seem to outgrow putting a little glitter on my eyes when I go out from time to time.
The funny thing is, from the time I was little to about high school I was always that way. But something weird happened when I went to college. As an art major in a male dominated field, I felt like glitter and lip gloss interfered with my credibility as an artist. My work never spoke for itself. I actually had a professor who remarked "What is this glam-weld" after I showed up to our welding demo wearing a red velvet shirt and rhinestone earrings. Why can't I learn how to weld in velvet?
Not only was my attire often the subject of criticism, so were my preferred methods of making art! I wasn't interested in welding, or casting metal (well, I liked the process of casting metal, but after molten aluminum splashed out of a crucible and landed on the back of my neck, nearly burning a hole to my spine, I was a little intimidated after that.) I really enjoyed mixed media installation art and making sculpture out of handmade paper, fabric, and any textiles or found objects I could get my hands on (the latter items associated with "women's craft")
I struggled to redefine myself as a "serious artist" as opposed to a "crafter" and in the process slowly started to lose myself in the process. From how I dressed to the kind of art I made, I was abandoning the things about myself that my peers thought were "girly" all for the sake of competing in their world. Eventually, my last year as an art student I gained the confidence to embrace who I was as a woman, and an artist, and my work reflected a boldness and uniqueness that blew my professor away. I had to search deep to realize that I was much more successful as an artist when I was true to myself, my own interests, and whatever made me feel "at home" with myself.
All that to say that what makes a woman a woman is just that. It's not a new pair of Manolo Blahniks or a new Leatherman tool that does it. Those things are secondary, if not tertiary! It is confidently and authentically embracing who you are that makes a woman.
Thank you for writing a blog that reminds me of that. AND thank you for commenting on the Alpha illustrations at the top of the website. I think they are cute, but I don't think they fully represent all the Alpha women out there.
Individualtiy makes the woman?
Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your story of defining yourself through your art and coming to embrace who you are.
The comments on this post seem to be saying, "Do what you want, wear what you want, be what you want, even if it fits into some 'girly' stereotypes, but most of all be who you are because THAT is what it means to be a woman.' That's a grand over-simplification, but it's interesting, because it means that a lot of women, particularly strong women, define their womanhood through strength and strong self-identity. But is that womanhood? Or merely being an individual? It's a spin I didn't expect the comments to take, though in retrospect I see that same vibe running through my original post.
And you're welcome for the post - I'm glad it was a helpful and welcomed reminder to embrace who you are inside (because I personally believe that's a big part of finding contentment in our lives).
- Jacqueline
_____
"Ce qui fait la nuit en nous peut laisser en nous les étoiles." ~ V. Hugo
What a great post. I agree
What a great post. I agree with all the comments and the post. You know as the founder of the site I was a little hesitant to use the avatars on top. In fact, the women of who we paid to develop the site had designed completely different avatars that I was embarassed to use (later I got royally screwed by these same women web designers) that is another blog entirely.
I couldn't identify with their avatars at all and that being said, I don't think most of the women out there could either. I will keep my personal comments to myself as to what kind of site AlphaWoman.com would have turned into if we had used their art.
Marketing.......it is a funny thing. Marketing to women is even more difficult to figure out. Women are sensitive, picky, opinionated, have a low tolerance for things........yet the biggest selling magazines to women are magazines that portray everything we supposedly hate. The hard part of marketing is discerning the deep subconscious of the female mind. They say one thing, yet they choose something completely opposite. I can present several case studies where companies brought in women for focus groups and did everything the women wanted or so they thought they wanted and the products completely failed.
I digress though. My mom is working really hard to loose weight. Thus far she has lost about 20 pounds. Diet and exercise. She is exercising like a mad woman and the more weight she looses the better she feels. I show my mom everything. When I showed her the avatars the web-developers made she gawked. When I showed my sister the avatars she also qawked. They are both struggling with their weight. When I showed them the current look of AlphaWomen.com......they LOVED it.
My point. None of us are the typical women on glam magazines. My sister is a retired Chicago police officer, mechanic and was named one of the top mechanics for Audi when she was working there. My mom runs a crane company which if you don't know is a male dominated industry. She has a lot of respect from men.
My sister, like Danielle, lost her femininity when she chose career paths that were not typical for women and she felt horrible for many years. It has only been recently that she really embraces being a woman, loves to dress girly, BUT IS NOT GIRLY IN ANYWAY SHAPE OR FORM.
I reject being a woman sometimes. Although I have the ideal physical attributes and I find it annoying. Like when I walk down the street and stupid guys throw things at me to get my attention or say obnoxious things to me or when men gawk at me and treat me like I am stupid. Many times I dress like a Tom Boy because I don't want the attention, but when I go out with my boyfriend, I like to look.... well..........pretty. I like it because he is very visual and it makes me feel like a lady. Most of the time we get around town in practical clothes that we can get messy, sweaty and have fun in. But, sometimes, I just like to really see his face light up when I walk out dressed up. I am not ashamed of that.
I hate purses too! I love sweat pants and gym shoes, but I love high heels and a great fitting pencil skirt. Oh, and I race cars. How typical is that?
Sometimes I look around and I see really pampered women who look really good and I think, "You know there is nothing wrong with doing that every once in a while, heck if that is what makes you feel good do it every damn day, but for me, I couldn't LIVE my life comfortably if I had to worry about myself like that on a constant basis."
Enjoyed reading your post. I think you are just like the rest of us, just express it in different ways.
xoxo,
Freda
It's a complicated issue...
Thanks so much for your comment, Freda. All the various issues you explore in it really underscore what a complex question this is and how it means different things to each of us.
First off, I am now totally intrigued about the story of designing this site, the ups and downs, the frustrating moments and the triumphs; but something tells me that such a story is perhaps one best told privately (or at least with names witheld...). I'll bet it was extremely challenging.
As for the icons, I like them... I guess because they get at something else you touch on a few times in your comment: there's a difference between being feminine and being girly; it's liberating to be low-maintenance, yet it feels good to dress up and feel pretty once in awhile. Do the icons look like me? No. Do they look like one of the women who resides within me and shows a bit of herself from time to time? Sure. And the common thread through all of the ladies depicted in the header is something many women have touched on in the comments to this post - individuality and attitude. So while women do come in all shapes and sizes, I think we can all relate on at least a level or two to the silhouettes above.
As for marketing - I know you're right. You can't please all of the people all of the time. Perhaps it's because I define myself in a different way than a lot of women do, and because I live a very rural lifestyle (the whole site has this very 'urban' vibe). I'm starting to appreciate how I can fit my square self into some of the circular holes here, and I think I'm beginning to get a feel for how I'll use this blog.
- Jacqueline
_____
"Ce qui fait la nuit en nous peut laisser en nous les étoiles." ~ V. Hugo
Great!
Because you are a great writer and you definitely have much to contribute and say and it would be a shame if you didn't share it with us because I think we all really have many commonalities that bring us together rather then the few that separate us. I am intrigued by what you do and would love to hear more about it.
I am glad you are warming up to us because I would hate to see you go!
Freda
Thank you
Thanks, Freda, for your extremely kind words and compliments.
As for your comment/question about what I do, I'm assuming you're in reference to my career. I am fortunate to be a park ranger, presently stationed in Alaska (I'm on my third park here, having been in the state for nine years now). I probably won't write about that a great deal here, though I may at some point write a post about 'doing what you want to do rather than what you think you have to do.' Taking the fun-and-meaningful- but less-lucrative-road has made all the difference in my life.
- Jacqueline
_____
"Ce qui fait la nuit en nous peut laisser en nous les étoiles." ~ V. Hugo
That is awesome! I really
That is awesome! I really love nature. I love wild animals, the forest, lakes, rivers, sunsets, sunrises and what a great way to live out your life. I have so much respect for what you do and frankly.....I think you have the best damn job in the world, I bet it is always challenging and never a dull day. Alaska. WOW.....A place I have always dreamed of visiting.
p.s.
After reading this again, I have another thought:
I don't think purses, shoes, and make-up should be disregarded as bad stereotypes, or feminine constructs. Alot of women do like those things, and I don't think that is a bad thing. I DO think however that they should not be the sole criteria used to define femininity. That seems to be the biggest lesson learned from this blog and the many women who are a bit more dynamic than what we are often pigeon holed to be.
Materialistic manifestations of stereotypes
Speaking for myself, I'm not very materialistic. I'm not entirely anti-materialism - as you say, a lot of women do like purses, shoes, make-up; some of it's quite necessary and the forms we choose to meet the necessary functions within our lives also help show the world a bit of who we are. But I whole-heartedly agree that these items shouldn't be the sole criteria used to define gender.
There's this certain je ne sais quoi running beneath all this. My husband asked me last night to define what makes me female, and I couldn't answer him. I still can't. It's something I'm going to have to ponder a bit more... and I may come to the conclusion that the answer just doesn't matter. That I love who I am and that's what's most important.
- Jacqueline
_____
"Ce qui fait la nuit en nous peut laisser en nous les étoiles." ~ V. Hugo
What defines a woman
The ability to love,nuture and remain true to herself that to me defines a woman.
It's your life...How do you live it better yet...Dress for it?
That's a great definition...
That's a great definition... but I'm curious (because none of us have been able to nail it on the head yet) - can't a man do all those things, too? What uniquely defines our gender?
Perhaps it's something that can't be put into words.
- Jacqueline
_____
"Ce qui fait la nuit en nous peut laisser en nous les étoiles." ~ V. Hugo