Is it true that women are monogamous while men are polyamorous? Why do you think so either way? Is this part of their nature or am I just choosing the wrong men? Disheartened Sarah

Freda Says: What the heck is Polyamory? Sounds like a disease of some sort! I think you and are in the same boat and we are choosing the wrong men. From the sounds of it, what you really want to know is whether all men cheat while women tend to be more faithful. And is it in their "genetic code" like they want us to believe, preventing them from any sort of responsibility?

Cheating is a funny thing. Many people cheat for a variety of different reasons. Some are unhappy, some are ignored, many are just greedy and some do it accidentally. Recently, I read an article in Psychology Today called "Beyond Betrayal: Life After Infidelity", explaining how people find themselves cheating out of politeness...in other words, "they don't have the balls to say 'NO'!" I mean, really, is that the best you can do? I digress.

That being said, I also read The Secrets of Married Men by Hara Estroff Marano, and it was reassuring and inspiring. She says that "Often it is the man's behavior that predicts whether a couple stays together."

Here are tidbits of his own wisdom:

• Working on a relationship is a man's job as much as a woman's. Often it is the man's behavior that predicts whether a couple stays together. Men need to accept the influence of their wives.

• Once men decide to marry, they are more committed to the relationship than women are.

• Guys look at relationships differently from women, but the most commonly discussed ways of fixing relationships are geared to feminine styles.

• "Men really do feel incredible passion for their wives, but they don't recognize it sometimes."

• "Most affairs don't happen by chance meetings. Infidelity occurs in up to 40 percent of marriages. By age 45, two out of every five men and one out of every five women has had at least one affair."

• "For an overwhelming majority of spouses who cheat—80 percent—the reason is not sexual. Most simply seek validation, warmth, understanding or love."

• "In general, extramarital sex is not as good as marital sex. On average, married couples have more sex than any other group. The bottom line is affairs can be prevented. It's all in the choices you make."

Women aren't necessarily "monogamous" or don't cheat. Women do cheat. If 40% of men are cheating, they are cheating with someone! I hear it over and over of how many women are stuck in sexless marriages and relationships, going for months, even years without being touched, much less getting a little lovin'! Women are sexual beings and the same rules apply to them as to men. If you starve someone from those intimate acts they will eventually stray, even though they may not want to. In the article "Why Do Women Cheat?", you quickly realize that women cheat for different reasons than men, but we are just as capable as men at being unfaithful. Often women are more cunning.

I think it is just easier for men to cheat nowadays. Why? Because there are significantly more (approximately 11million) heterosexual, single women than heterosexual single men, and so men are in high demand and don't have to necessarily work at anything, much less make a commitment. I have read articles that suggest men are genetically built to mate and be hunters, but why are there so many who value being committed to one person?

Personally, I think it is hogwash and just an easy way for some men to excuse their bad behavior. Many just want their cake and to eat it, too, and will go to any measures to convince us that they can't help who they are, it's their nature.

Love brings your man home every night and if he is straying I would venture to say two things: he is not committed and never will be or he is not in love with you. In either case, I would get out while you still have some dignity left, because eventually he will discard you or give you something.

Travis Says: Although I believe that both men and women can be polyamorous, I do think that, more often than not, men have a problem committing themselves to one partner.

I don't think that men have any less of a desire to find a mate; that's a natural human instinct. However, it seems to me that women are much more willing to find a mate, and commit themselves completely to that person. When men are faced with a situation that requires a full commitment, they often get frightened and feel pressured. Men like to know that they may come and go as they please (even if they don't plan to stray away from their partners), and to feel "in control" of their own destiny. Even if a man is in love with his mate, and may not have a desire to look for another, they are comforted by the fact that they may do so, if they feel it appropriate.

I also think that most men are able to have sexual experiences without developing an emotional bond to the person they share that experience with. Because of this, men can easily drift between partners, and relationships, and therefore have an easier ability to live a polyamorous lifestyle.

Kelly Says: Sarah, There is no black-and-white answer to your question. Members of both sexes have had fulfilling, loving relationships with both monogamy and polyamory. Both types of relationships take a lot of work.

Monogamy, or having only one partner, is actually a relatively new concept, becoming popular only in the last couple hundred years. Men and women married to produce heirs, to join land, and for money and other practical reasons. Women were expected to marry in order to be taken care of by a man, because he had all the legal power. But many of the men and women in these arrangements still had lovers outside the marriage. It was expected that since they were not marrying for love, they were free to love others, as long as it was discreet. Also, women were not viewed to be sexual, so men were expected to take lovers as an outlet for their sexual desires.
Monogamy became the social norm when religion and religious views entered the picture. (If you were not faithful you were sinning, etc.) However, one thing that we need to keep in mind is that people didn't have a long life expectancy like they do today, so they had to be monogamous for shorter periods of time. A lot of what we see today is serial monogamy, where you are with one person for a certain length of time, and then another person for a certain length of time, and so on.

Polyamory means having more than one relationship or loving more than one person. Do not confuse this with a person in a relationship cheating on their partner, having a one-night stand or swinging, where both people have strictly sexual encounters with others. Polyamorous couples actually bring one or more other people into their relationship. There is nothing secretive about it. If you practiced polyamory and your partner wanted to see another woman, you would actually meet this person, spend time with this person and the two of you would become three. The idea behind polyamory is that no one person can fulfill our needs and that humans are not designed to have only one sex partner for life. Whether this comes from an emotional place or the evolutionary idea that men are supposed to spread their seed as much as possible or some combination of both is still up for debate. What I do know is that just because you are in a monogamous relationship does not mean you stop having sexual feelings for others for life. But you fight those feelings because you are in a relationship. So, in a sense, you are going against nature. Some find that easier than others. At the beginning of a relationship you are in that love stage where you can't imagine being with any other person. There are plenty of people who want to be with someone for life but realize that they may want to be with someone else someday, too and have agreed they will practice an alternative lifestyle when it comes to their relationship.

As for women being monogamous vs. polyamorous, I think we need to examine how women have been socialized historically to view sex. For women, sex has primarily been tied to reproduction. They have sex to make babies, period. Sex just for pleasure was either not an option or a secondary thought--if they enjoyed it while they were trying to make a baby, so be it. Women were supposed to find a man, pop out his babies and be content to be taken care of. Giving him a baby ensured her economic survival. And once they went from woman to mother they were and are supposed to be nurturing and maternal; their identity often changes from a sexual woman to being someone's mother. The idea of a woman having sex for sex's sake was shocking and for some they still can't get past the idea that any woman who just wants to get laid is a slut. But we know that women need sex, too. They also need loving, healthy relationships and many women have embraced polyamory as a natural way of living. And there are also plenty of women who cheat.

Men, on the other hand, are supposed to have numerous sexual conquests. If he has sex for sex's sake he is a stud and historically it has been more acceptable fo a man to go outside the relationship for sex. However, there are men who believe in monogamy and are able to be faithful, just as there are men who have never been faithful and will never be faithful, whether they are sneaking around or embracing a different sexual lifestyle. Where women make a mistake here is thinking they can change the man who has never been faithful to any woman.
The old "When he meets the right woman he will straighten up" adage is not, in my opinion, realistic and women who think this way are only setting themselves up for disappointment.

So the answer to your question is, some men and women can practice monogamy successfully and some can't. Some men and women can practice polyamory successfully and some can't. Whether either is ingrained in our DNA or a result of socialization has always been and will continue to be up for debate. Are you picking the wrong men? I don't know. It may be that you are just randomly only meeting the men who cannot or do not want to practice monogamy ever or just at this stage of their lives, or that you have just had bad luck. Remember the old saying about having to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince? It is trial-and-error, so I would encourage you to keep trying, and when you get to the point in dating someone where you decide whether you are going to be exclusive, ask him his thoughts on the subject of monogamy vs. polyamory. His answer will tell you whether you want to pursue a relationship with him or move on.

Since I have been in the field of sex education, one thing I have learned is that there are a lot of relationship and lifestyle choices out there and people are practicing all sorts of things. Monogamy, polyamory, group marriage, communal living, staying single by choice, and swinging are just a few. Where they have found success is that they have found a partner (or partners) who has similar ideas about relationships and wants to live the same lifestyle.

Kelly Connell M.S.Ed., Ed.D(c) is a sexuality educator and consultant who is currently completing her dissertation for her Doctorate Degree in Human Sexuality Education. SexPertKelly.com

Tom Says: It seems to me you are choosing the wrong men. As much as we all like to rely on stereotypes, men are not--as a rule--polyamorous and women are not--as a rule--monogamous. In fact, many of the reports lately put women at higher rates of infidelity than men. Where does that leave those of us who want monogamy? I guess we need to be trusting, but also attentive to signals that our partner may not be on the same page. The best way to avoid disappointment is to take things slowly at first in order to figure out whether you have the same relationship goals. Obviously, this is easier said than done, especially when you meet someone new. However, you are in control of who you date and how you open up. That being said, there are no guarantees, and for men I think the desire to settle down comes a bit later than for women (but that may be a stereotype that worked for me in the past).

Searah Says: I think the answer to that is... we don't know. Certainly a lot is said in our culture that men have a biological need to spread their seed to as many women as possible in order to keep the species alive and that is why so many of them stray from their partner. I am not a scientist, but I don't think we can even answer this question without looking at how our society deals with the issue. American culture continues to perpetuate the idea that men can't help themselves, that they are wired to cheat or have non-monogamous relationships or whatever. We also hold onto the idea that women are biologically called to just have one mate forever. This idea keeps getting perpetuated because people believe it and it is an easy way for guys to get off the hook for being cads. "I couldn't help it! I am a MAN!"

The truth is, even if men "naturally" tend towards having many partners, it doesn't mean you have to put up with it! We are WAY beyond nature these days... what with our cell phones, toilets and processed foods. There is no risk of humans dying out because men aren't spreading their sperm to enough different women. There are plenty of women out their who lean more towards non-monogamy and tons of men who have no trouble keeping to one lady for years and years. We let this continue by using the nature argument to excuse men who have no idea how to treat a women. Sure, all kinds of people can be tempted to cheat and many do. We have more leisure time to screw around and we can be in long-term relationships for decades, giving us plenty of time to fit in sex with other people besides our partners (it used to be, you worked yourself to the bone every day and died by the time you were 35... not a lot of time in there for dalliances). The bottom line is, in my humble opinion, nature is not an excuse for cheating on someone. Yes, if it happens once, many people can find a way to heal and move on, but if someone lies to you or hurts you, there is no excuse for that, no matter what biology says. Trust me, there are plenty of good, honest guys out there, but they may just be a little harder to find.

Searah is a sex educator and owner of Early2Bed. All members of AlphaWomen.com get 10% off of their online purchases when they type in ALPHA in the coupon code area when checking out! Visit Early2Bed.com today!

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