My Partner Is Not Supportive Of My New Business and Is Holding Me Back. What Do I Do?

Last week's poll Who Should Say "I Love You" First In A Relationship...The Man Or The Woman? had fairly predictable results. 62% of the voters said "If I feel it, I say it! There are no rules when it comes to love." Only 19% of women said they didn't want to face rejection so they waited until for a man to say those three little words. The remaining 19% would probably say it, but only after a few confidence boosting glasses of wine. Hmmmm......

In this week's Straight Talk we are discussing how your big dreams may be squelched by a partner who holds you back from what you aspire to do. Take our latest poll: Is Your Partner Holding You Back From Your Dreams And Aspirations?

My partner is not supportive of my new business and is holding me back. What do I do? - Successful Sally

Whether you want to build an empire or publish a book, there is nothing that can dampen your spirits more than a partner who doesn't support your dreams. Financial support isn't always the primary motivator in making your dreams a success - a supportive and open-minded partner is. When that doesn't happen, it's often a difficult decision what to give up - the partner or the dream. Is sacrificing your dreams something you want to do?

FREDA SAYS: This is such a great question. Donny Deutsch, host of the “Big Idea,” recently had a show about this very subject. This is such a reality for so many people. You are going one direction and your partner is going in the complete opposite direction. I have experienced this problem throughout many relationships. I have always been incredibly ambitious and craved more. I have big dreams but my dreams and desires really didn’t fit the social expectations of being a woman and getting married and having children. That was the constant conversation in my household, “So, when are you going to settle down and find a man? You are so pretty why can’t you find a man to get married and have babies with?” MAYBE because I didn’t want to settle down and get married and have babies?! Maybe way deep inside of me my subconscious craved for more and it kept me from making choices that would keep me from achieving my own dreams and aspirations. I just thought I was supposed to get married and have more babies and was very confused my entire twenties. After all I had a baby and that wasn’t as fulfilling as everyone claimed it to be. Yeah, sure being a mother is one of the most praised jobs of womanhood but it isn’t for everyone. I think my subconscious knew me better than I knew myself. I would always subdue my desires in order to be more attractive or appealing to the opposite sex because my high ambitions tended to be threatening and scared many "potentially good" suitors off. NOW, I look back and am very grateful that I didn’t marry any of them. It would have never worked out because I was a threat to them.

This is such a tough question to answer and if it were me, I would move on. But, as my mother has said to me often, “Freda, not everyone is as strong as you are.” I have lived on my own, raised a son since I was 18 and I am not afraid of losing everything or being alone; it is all I know. That isn’t for everyone. I crave success more than I crave a husband. I want to reach my dreams, and leave a legacy more than I want to settle down and get married. I guess it comes down to what do you want for your life? There are many couples who have made it work and then there are others who have ended it because they wouldn’t have realized their dreams otherwise. Not every person wants to be with an ambitious mate. It really takes someone who appreciates your vision, appreciates you and gets charged and or excited seeing you on fire and pursuing your ambitions.

Many times people, including your mate, can get very jealous as you start to achieve success and your dreams because it means that it can be done. Many times those people may feel that you are leaving them behind and will subconsciously do things to hold you back. Be gentle and ask a lot of questions. They are just scared and are afraid they are going to lose you to someone smarter and/or more ambitious. Talking about those fears can really open the doors in your relationship. There are others types of mates who will never be happy for you and will always try to pull you down. Whether you should stay or go is a personal choice that you have to live with. If it were me, I would leave. I have so much to do and so little time either you are jumping on my wings and flying with me or you are going to be left behind. I don’t date slackers and anyone who can’t pull their own weight. There was also a very good article on SheKnows.com in regards to this sensitive subject.

TRAVIS SAYS: I'll say this first: I'm most definately a hopeless romantic. For some reason, I pour all the love and devotion I have into my partner, even if it exhausts me. I think a lot of people that would ask this question are similar to me emotionally.

Despite my wearing my heart on my sleeve, I've never EVER let one of my partners hold me back from achieving my goals. I've moved to different cities, states, and countries, knowing that I'd have to leave my partner behind. I'd like to believe that if my partner didn't support my business endeavors, that I'd end the relationship. A good relationship should allow both people to grow and prosper.

I think the only way to find an answer to a question like this is to evaluate your relationship, and your situation. If your partner makes you completely happy, then they should most probably understand you very well. If they understand you, then they should support you, in all of your endeavors. If your partner is not supporting your new business, then maybe they don't actually get you as well as you think they do, and that could be a sign that they're not the right fit for you. A person who truly loves you will support you no matter what, especially in matters that are important to your personal growth (like your business!!).

BEAUTYMARK SAYS: First and foremost...

1. If you are starting a business you should have at least one business mentor (if not one a network of mentors) who possess familiarity with the field you are entering or have some kind of expertise that would benefit you. Seek the advice of that mentor and see if the information he/she gives you lines up with what your significant other is saying. Be open to constructive criticism, and be willing to make changes.

2. Seek out the advice of trusted friends, family, and professional colleagues/peers, too. Take serious note if more than one person says your business idea is in need of a clearer focus or more strategic planning.

Healthy, rational, thoughtful people who really love us can sometimes see a bad decision better than we can for ourselves. Love isn't just blind in relationships. Love is blind in business endeavors too. You might love the business idea you have, but it's quite possible that your idea is a little wacky and as a result, your significant other may have a reasonable concern.

Now, if your significant other has no professional expertise in the field in which you are starting business, has no financial investment in your business endeavor, and a propensity toward crushing your dreams here are the steps you should take:

1. Cut him loose.
2. Drop him like a hot potato.
3. Let the door hit him where the good Lord split him.
4. Kick him to the curb.
5. And do 1 thru 4 IMMEDIATELY!

It is possible that your S.O. is plagued with insecurity and fear, especially over the idea that you could be on the verge of success or something amazing. A good way to discern this is to take a long hard look at other patterns you see in your relationship. No one knows those dynamics better than you. Does your mate talk down to you? Does your mate seem to have academic, financial, or professional insecurities in his own life, or has fear prevented him from pursuing his own dreams? I have found that men who lack confidence, skill, and/or ambition, cannot stand to be around self-motivated, ambitious women. Not only can they not stand it, they will actively attempt to sabotage any effort women make to be successful.

If your S.O. is not opened to the idea of you seeking objective opinions from others, or isn't willing to stand by you if you decide to go forth and take a risk, YOU will be the one to blame if he holds you back.

I've never started a business but I am pretty sure it's no easy task. You are going to need people in your life that speak life into the exciting risks you are taking. I dated a guy who did not share my religious beliefs, but he supported my decision to go to seminary because he knew it was important to me. I would call him in tears my first year because it was so hard. He used to encourage me with phrases like: "You got this" and "do your thing." He'd also give me great advice about managing my time and research projects. We are not together anymore, but those words have stayed with me, even though he hasn't, and it still gets me through. Your S.O. doesn't have to be interested in what you want to do, nor does he have to know anything about it to be supportive, so don't let him use that excuse. This isn't about his likes and dislikes. It's about whether or not he is willing to believe in you.

Can he believe in you?

SEARAH SAYS: Drop 'em! Seriously, starting a new business is hard and you need all the support you can get. Unless your partner has really valid reasons to be skeptical of your new venture (and can spell them out to you), their job is to encourage and support you. If you ask for that and they are unable to give it to you... find someone who is going to be your cheerleader and shoulder to cry on. There are lots of reason that a person might not be supportive of their S/O new business, but usually it is fear or selfishness, neither of which are valid reasons for trying to hold someone back from following their dreams. If your finances are intertwined and that is what is making your S/O skeptical, find a way to start the business with money you raise on your own or de-tangle your finances to a degree that you can be somewhat independent.

Next week we will discuss a question about dating/marrying someone who you are not attracted to....because they pay the bills.

If you have a question you would like answered, please email info@alphawomen.com. We have the answer!

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My S/O is very intrigued about swinging or having a fling with another couple.
What Do You Fantasize About While Masturbating?
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Taking Sex To The Green Level
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For Your Man:
Multiple Orgasms For Your Man - Part 1
Multiple Orgasms For Your Man - Part 2
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Straight Talk:
Freda & Katherine on Being Single, Dating, and Relationships - Part 1
Freda & Katherine - on Men, Dating and Relationships - Part 2
Freda & Katherine on Dating - Part 3
Freda & Katherine on Dating & Relationships - Part 4

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Comments

JenneyMarie says:

Is there good cause for him to doubt?

Posted October 14th, 2008

I'll play devil's advocate here and ask if your partner has a valid reason to not support your endeavor. For example, do you have a history of starting things, and then giving up quickly? Or do you have a faulty or incomplete business plan? Or would the failure of this new business cause your family to be in financial ruins? If the answer to all of these questions is 'no,' then I vote for getting rid of him. But if he is just concerned about your family's financial well-being, or is afraid that you're going into it half-cocked, maybe some deeper discussion between you two is necessary. I would ask him exactly what his concerns are, and address each of them individually. If he just doesn't want a woman that's independent and successful though, you know what to do...