My S/O Has Been Begging Me To Have Phone Sex With Him. I'm Not Sure I Can Do This!

Last week's poll Have You Ever Made A Sex Tape? had everyone really thinking! There are some really open-minded Alpha Women out there because 45% of the voters chose "No, but I am open to the idea" while 30% of them said "Yes and it was very erotic!" A smaller percentage (15%) of the voters let us know that they did make a sex tape but it was "unintentionally hilarious". (Is any of this available on YouTube?) So, all in all, this activity is fairly common, leaving only 10% of the voters saying "Ewww! No way!"

In this week's Straight Talk we are discussing a question from a reader about phone sex! Take our latest poll: Does Phone Sex Play A Part in Your Relationship?

"My S/O travels for business quite often. He has been begging me to have phone sex with him. I'm not sure I can do this." - Nervous Natalie

In the past, phone sex was often viewed as taboo. The only people engaging in phone sex were considered "creeps" who dialed 900 numbers and paid to listen to someone fake an orgasm for money. Once cell phones became something everyone owned, things changed. Couples were apart more often with business travel but longed to stay in touch. What better way than phone sex? According to Ross Dawson in his blog The Future of Adult Entertainment: "We have become exquisitely dependent on technology, which is increasingly pervasive and exponentially fast. Whether this is true is open to debate, but it seems reasonably certain that technology will be one of the key forces shaping how people meet and interact with one another in the future. Hence, technology will heavily influence the future of sex. Intimate relationships now can be developed online via email, text messaging and phone sex, and they can be ended this way, too."

Has sex gone the way of the way we now most frequently communicate? That is ...without the human touch?

SEARAH SAYS: Due to our jobs, I lived apart from my S/O for seven whole years and we gave phone sex a good college try, but it never took. I would just get too giggly and self-conscious. I even tried to practice alone, but I just felt goofy. Rather, I'd tell her (after the fact) about how I was thinking of her while I was having a good time with myself - wink wink. We also sent each other emails and notes about what we wanted to do next time we saw each other. That gave us something to fantasize about until we saw each other again.

Searah is a sex educator and owner of Early2Bed. All members of AlphaWomen.com get 10% off of their online purchases when they type in ALPHA in the coupon code area when checking out! Stop by http://www.early2bed.com/ today!

TRAVIS SAYS: I haven't experienced phone sex thus far in my adult life. I'm not even sure how I would react if I was put in a situation where my partner would ask me to have it! I guess the best thing I could say is, If you're comfortable enough with your partner to have person-to-person contact during traditional sex, why wouldn't you be able to share intimate thoughts and conversations with one another?

BEAUTYMARK SAYS: First, I hate the phrase "phone sex." It rings of a porn aesthetic that does not appeal to me. I instead, prefer "telephone love." With that it mind, here is what I think about the subject:

I think it would be a good idea to tell your man to stop begging you. There is nothing that inhibits a person from trying something new sexually than pressure! Consider telling him that you need to think about it, and promise you will get back to him when you are ready.

Once your man has given you the space you need to explore the possibilities, think about the reasons why you are hesitant. My guess is that the hesitation is linked to any number of the following:

1. You don't know where to begin.
2. You don't know what kind of words to use.
3. You may be intimidated or turned off by "talking dirty."
4. Masturbating with another person may be new territory.
5. It may feel like having phone sex is something "bad" or something that is improper, and guilt producing.

Those are valid reasons, but they are not without remedy.

1. Universal language to start making "telephone love" can be a very simple and sexy, "So what are you wearing right now?" and guys seem to love when it is spontaneous.

2. Like I said before, a porn aesthetic, especially in regards to language doesn't turn everyone on. For some it sounds and feels degrading. If that is the case for you consider looking at some poetry, song lyrics, novels, and artwork that speaks to the kind of lovemaking that appeals to you. It may provide an avenue for you to explore sexually expressive language in a way that doesn't make you feel like a phone sex operator.

3. It may help to talk to your man about what his idea of "phone sex" is. What would he like you to talk about. How does he want you to say it? Granted, having this conversation has the potential to take the fun out of it for him, and be downright awkward for you. In that case, consider telling your man that "telephone love" is new to you, and that you need something to help you decide if it's something you want to explore with him. Tell him you want to start by receiving a steamy, sexy, love letter from him, or maybe you can start over Instant message. Share with him how you felt about the letter/chats, offer suggestions or praises, then you can graduate to the phone, or decided it's not for you.

4. Examine any attitudes you have about phone sex/telephone love and masturbation and figure out the root of where they come from. Are you afraid someone will judge you if they find out? Or do you think it is something that is just improper. If you grew up thinking that masturbation would make you go blind (like I did) you might have some "baggage" to unload before you make this call! If you are sexually intimate in person with this man, what is different about being sexually intimate over the phone?

Overall, exploring and trying "telephone love" really is about communication. You should feel comfortable to share your hesitations, and insecurities with a person you trust, and you should be honored and respected in whatever decision you decide to make about it. I definitely think telephone love is different than phone sex, and I certainly think that different people have different preferences regarding one over the other, both, or none of the above. Allow yourself the freedom to explore the possibilities knowing that it can actually be a fun, exhilarating, and guilt free activity-not to mention SAFE!

In addition to the logistical stuff, telling the other person in detail what you are doing to yourself or what you like to do them or with them is key. The person can't see you, touch you, smell or taste you. They can only hear you. Your descriptive words, and your groans are all they have to go on. You can be yourself here. You don't have to be someone you are not. In reality, your man may not want that. If he did, he could easily find someone else to grant this request. (Sad but true!)

A good balance of trust and confidence will help you feel more comfortable about engaging in telephone love, if you decide to do it. Not an abundance of confidence, but just enough to go for it. The cool thing about that is that you can say something that you may never have said in person but you can close your eyes and be embarrassed without sounding like it! It may even build your confidence in those face to face encounters!

A healthy amount of curiosity and nervousness can make it even sexier.

No matter what you decide to do, it is important for you to feel comfortable doing it. You shouldn't do it if it really isn't your thing or if he continues to ignore your hesitations and uneasiness. However, if you relax your mind and body, and figure out how to make the language as well as the overall experience your own, you might find this interaction with your man to be very exciting. Try lighting some candles, slipping into something sexy, and playing some music that gets you in the mood before you call your man. Think about it, he is out of town and he wants to be with you, even if it is over the phone. It is your voice he is craving, your moans he's missing, and your body he is visualizing. That can be very romantic if you think about it. Good Luck!
*****
We hope you've been enlightened or at least had your curiosity heightened about phone sex! Next week we'll be discussing when to have sex in a new relationship. First date? Second date? A Month? Are there really any rules as to the when this should happen?

If you have a question you would like answered, please email info@alphawomen.com. We have the answer!

Straight Talk:
Anal Sex. Yes or No?
My Partner Wants Me To Watch Porn!
What Do YOu Fantasize About While Masturbating?
What's Your Number? How Many Partners Have You Had?
Saying "NO" To Sex Without Rejecting Your Partner.
How Much Masturbation Is Healthy?
My S/O Has Been Begging Me To Have Phone Sex With Him. I'm Not Sure I Can Do This!
My Partner Wants To Video Tape Us Having Sex.
My S/O is very intrigued about swinging or having a fling with another couple.
What Do You Fantasize About While Masturbating?
When Do You Ask For A Blood Test?
Should A Woman Be The First To Say "I Love You"?
Texting, Emailing, Dating - What Do These Three Things Have in Common?
I'm Not Attracted To My Partner But He Pays The Bills. Is This Fair?
Would You Trim That Bush Already?
Waxing- Part 2 - Ingrown Hairs
Hairy Bank
My Nazi Waxologist
Waxed Bare!
Are Women More Monogamous Then Men?
Business Woman's Facelift
Not Now Dear! I Have A Headache.
Would You Sleep With Your Boss To Climb The Corporate Ladder?
I Think My Partner Is Holding Me Back!
Sex With Your Ex?
Is It Okay To Remain Friends With Your Ex?
Starting Over After The Loss Of A Loved One.
Picking Up The Tab. Who Pays?
Taking Sex To The Green Level
Settle Or Wait?
Internet Relationships. Is It Cheating?
Why Do Men Like Eliot Spitzer Pay For Sex?
What Is Cheating?
When Is A Relationship Too Much Work?
How Do You Let Go?
Can You Tell When A Relationship Is Over?
Can You Gauge the Health of Your Relationship By the Frequency of Your Sex?
Younger Women Dating Older Men - Right or Wrong?

Videos:
Sex Talk: Condoms and Lubricants
Sex Talk: Lotions, Toys and Games!
Sex Talk: Vibrators - Part I
Sex Talk: Luxury Vibrators - Part 2
Sex Talk: Dildos - Part 3

For Your Man:

Multiple Orgasms For Your Man - Part 1
Multiple Orgasms For Your Man - Part 2
Oral Sex For His Pleasure

Straight Talk:
Freda & Katherine on Being Single, Dating, and Relationships - Part 1
Freda & Katherine - on Men, Dating and Relationships - Part 2
Freda & Katherine on Dating - Part 3
Freda & Katherine on Dating & Relationships - Part 4

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Comments

artfulwears says:

Searah's store...

Posted July 26th, 2008

Just have to say I checked out her store and the first thing I saw was the "Fun Factory Delight"....I just bought one a few months ago and it's the greatest toy EVER. Wish I had known, I would have bought it from you! But now when I tell all my friends about it, I can send them your way!!

DeJaniera says:

Phone Sex...not bad at all

I must admit, I'm a huge fan of phone sex. My boyfriend resides in FL and I in PA. Sometimes he or both of us are in need of attention at the moment and since we can't get to each other, phone sex is our alternative.

He usually starts the visualization with what he wants to do with me. He tells me what he wants me to do with myself. I must admit, it really turns him on. It brings us closer in our relationship and we can laugh about it when it's over!

So if you haven't done it -- try it - you won't be disappointed!

De'Janiera

msanne says:

Phone Sex

Posted September 3rd, 2008

Phone sex can be a great way to enhance the intimate relationship. Once you try it, you get more comfortable with it, even if you have to close your eyes during the conversation. You enjoy it so much, and you find that you can't wait to talk to each other, not to mention when you get to each other! You can also try via IM, which is how we got started then went to the telephone. Believe me, it does wonders for your relationship.

MsAnne, Southern Belle