What person hasn’t, at one point or another, stood back and considered their libido with a certain measure of awe? For women this seems an especially big problem: if our sex drives aren’t already perilously low, we’re told to expect them to be—and to expect our significant others to become frustrated with us as a result. It’s not always true, but it’s common enough to be socially normative—and what if you find you’re at the top of the bell curve?

Joan Sewell records her own attempt in her new book I’d Rather Eat Chocolate, one of many books targeting the concerns of women dealing with low sex drives. She describes her shock at finding out just how high her boyfriend’s sex drive was—a conversation several of us can likely identify with. The fear that comes with finding out that our natural processes might not be accommodating a partner’s desires is not to be underestimated. How do you find comfort with a low sex drive? Can you? In this week’s Straight Talk we’ll talk about what a low sex drive can do you and your partner.

I'm rarely in the mood for sex... is that bringing down my relationship? Catyln

Freda Says: This is a great question because many women (approximately 43%) suffer from female sexual dysfunction of some kind. According to Gail Sheehy, author of Sex And The Seasoned Woman, in 1999 The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) published a startling study indicating that 43% of women ages 18 to 59 suffer from lack of sexual desire, pain during intercourse, difficulty in arousal, performance anxiety, or an inability to achieve orgasm. I don't know if you are suffering from female sexual dysfunction or you are just not attracted to your partner. There are so many variables that could be contributing to your situation. For instance, are you holding grudges over past issues? Are you both in shape? Are you attracted to him? Is he attracted to you? Are you suffering from anxiety or depression? How would you gauge your self-esteem and self confidence? Many of these things could be playing a toll on your sex drive.

As far as bringing your relationship down, well you would have to ask your partner because maybe your sex drives are similar and it isn't bothering him. On the other hand, if he has higher sex drive then you well this may lead to some issues down the road. I would think it all comes down to how well you and your mate are matched sexually. I would find it very difficult to be with someone who had a lower sex drive then myself. It would in fact be very frustrating because sex is a way for me to connect and no sex would mean no connecting. Now that doesn't mean that everyone thinks or operates like I do, but I would talk to my partner and find out what his sexual needs are. Another great book to read is a book titled The Sex Starved Marriage by renowned relationship expert and author Dr. Michele Weiner-Davis. She explores all the issues around low sex drive, difference in sex drive and more! Another great sexologist and therapist is Dr. Annette Owens who works with the infamous sexologist Dr. Joy Davidson. You can watch her video on female sexual desire in the comfort and privacy of your own home! Dr. Annette Owens reviews models of female sexual desire, and what it really means to have "low desire."

Tom Says: In a word: yes. Men are interested in sex most, okay, all of the time (I suppose with a few exceptions). And, personally, I would not want to have to initiate sex all of the time.  So, if you are rarely in the mood and do not initiate when you are in the mood, your man may start getting restless. By the way, have you asked your man if your lack of interest is bringing your relationship down? That may be a good starting point. After all, if you both lack interest, then there should be no problems. And, if your lack of interest is a problem, you can try to find ways to become more interested or consider whether you are in the right relationship.

Meghanne Says: Only your partner can tell you whether or not it is. My friends and I share a general rule (which we often have to repeat to each other in times of drama) that "if everyone's happy, everyone's fine." Knowing whether or not "everyone's happy" is really what you need to focus on. All that takes is conversation, and as long as you and your partner are able to address your relative success and satisfaction in the bedroom, your low sex drive needn't be an issue. Make sure you're happy. Make sure your partner's happy, and then you'll both be fine.

Searah Says: Gosh, it is hard to tell if that is bringing down your relationship, not knowing what else is going on, but if you feel it is, then it is time to take a look at the situation.

There are LOTS of reasons why you might not be in the mood for sex and those reasons can be very important. For lots of people, there is a normal ebb and flow of sexual interest. From time to time, most people find their libidos are lower and other things in our lives take over the energy we may need to get into sex. If you think your partner is hot and the concept of sex with him/her is a turn on in theory, but you just aren't feeling up for sex, then reassuring your partner that you are just not feeling it right now can help heal any slight wounds that your lack of interest may be creating. "Sorry baby, I think you are a total stud and I love having sex with you, but I am just too busy/stressed out/sick/tired (or whatever) to get in the mood these days" can go a long way to keeping your partner from feeling rejected. I also find that even if I don't think I am in the mood, sometimes if I get involved with my partner kissing and whatnot (not planning on it leading to sex), we can have a nice, sexy make-out session without having to go all the way. This makes us both feel connected and takes the pressure off of feeling like we have to have "real sex".

But if you aren't feeling the hots for your partner, it is time to look at that situation and figure out if your lack of desire is symptomatic of something more serious going on the the relationship or with yourself. Hopefully, if you are stressed out about this, you are talking to your partner to check in with them about how they are feeling. Certainly, sex is a big part of most romantic relationships and if it is lacking, the relationship can really suffer. That said, it is one of the most common problem in people's relationships (in my humble opinion) and you would be hard-pressed to have a long term relationship where the frequency or intensity of the sex doesn't become an issue from time to time. But the number one most important thing here is to communicate with your partner! Only then will you know if this is bringing your relationship down, and if it is, you two need to figure out why.

If you can't talk it though alone, then go see a counselor. Sex therapists are here for a reason, to help couples work out their sexual problems! Take advantage of a professional if you can. It can make a world of difference.

Searah is a sex educator and owner of Early2Bed. All members of AlphaWomen.com get 10% off of their online purchases when they type in ALPHA in the coupon code area when checking out! Stop by http://www.early2bed.com/ today!

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