When you are a confident, single woman who is sexually active and relationship-challenged... how many men are too many? When do we become sluts? Should we ever tell our number? Moreover, if we are sluts for taking our sexuality into our own hands, then would you wait until you were married to have sex? -Beth

Freda Says: Oh, how I have been thinking about my response to this question since it popped up in my inbox. In a previous post, "What's in a Number?", we did attempt to answer the sexual-partner number question. But this time we are really getting to the heart of the matter and a question that is on the minds of many single, 21st-century women: what men really think about 21st-century women who no longer take a back seat in their sexual lives and, like men, are enjoying sexual pleasure in a variety of ways.

Women are sexually active and get horny, and have sexual desires and needs just like men! But sadly, women are still governed by male sexual rules. Women are expected to wait and practice chastity, suppressing their desires and needs until they find that one man who sweeps them off their feet. However, many of us are realizing that there is no Mr. Right and sometimes Mr. Right Now isn't such a bad thing.

The double standard does still exist. A man who has been with a lot of woman is considered experienced, a stud, in high demand. A woman, on the other hand, is loose, easy, a booty call...A SLUT, A WHORE! Well, the Bible is pretty clear...if she is a whore: well, then, that makes the man a WHOREMONGER! Amazing how we can manipulate things in order to support our individual lifestyles and condemn others.

I must admit, being a modern woman who seems to be relationship-challenged, I have spent the better part of my life sexless and very frustrated, and at 36, I don't want to spend the rest of my life in the same manner I spent the beginning. I used to think Samantha's character in Sex and the City was a slut and I couldn't understand how she was capable of sleeping with so many men. Carrie, too. A little older, a little wiser, I realize that we have needs and sometimes you just go with the flow. If Samantha and Carrie are two mature, responsible women and know what they want, then the more power to them.

Yesterday on Twitter, I found out that women have a "You're my 3rd" rule. From what I discovered 3 seems to be the magic number and you know what, I think it is a fabulous idea. But really Beth, the guy who cares about you isn't going to care. Especially as you start to get older and more mature you realize that life is short. It is better to have lived and loved then to have sat at home waiting for your Mr. Right to appear.

If you are really sexually active then respect yourself and protect yourself. I personally am a little leery of a man with a high number because I have to wonder if they have issues connecting with women or if jumping in and out of bed is all they are capable of. That being said, I know a few men who have been quite the players only to meet that special one later on in life and have lost their desire to go back to their old ways. They say it is the first time they are in love. So it is hard to judge. Each person is different. Trust your gut.

As far as waiting until you are married: plan on getting married very young if you have any type of sexual libido. Or purchase some great toys because it is hard to wait, especially when women are getting married later in life. I think it is a great idea but unrealistic and more than likely you will set yourself up for failure. I give myself permission to take my sexuality into my own hands and this allows me a choice. I usually opt out but I have a choice. I don't condemn myself as I did in my younger years. I can have sex if I want, with whomever I want. I choose not to in most situations. But by giving myself permission to be sexually active and acknowledging that I am indeed a sexual being, I have more respect for myself and my choices. As a consequence I am also going to take more precautions to protect myself and be healthy.

I say live life but be safe in the process. Make sure your expectations are in order. If you think sex will lead to marriage, think again. If you think sex will lead to a deep relationship, think again. If you think you can get a man with sex, think again. If you think sex equates to love, think again. Sex is just sex for most people until you have established a friendship/relationship and you will set yourself up for failure and a major heartache. Many times sex even destroys all possibilities for a friendship, as well. There are certain guys who are looking for that "perfect" woman. They deserve to be lied to, so use the "3" rule. Most don't care, and those are the ones you want to look for. They realize you are a human being with needs and desires too.

Searah Says: We become sluts when let people label us so! There is nothing wrong with a woman having as many sexual partners as makes her happy. If you are enjoying your sex life and it happens to include many partners, don't sweat it! Whether or not to tell probably depends on who you are telling. I am sure you mom doesn't want to hear that you have had 28 sex partners, but if you are telling a new partner, honestly may be the best policy... or not. If it is someone you intend to spend a lot of time (or the rest of your life) with, coming clean is a good idea. But if it is a fling or someone like that... how many sexual partners you have had doesn't need to be their business.

Waiting until marriage is a choice many people make for lots of different reasons and I see no reason to think it is a bad idea. Certainly one could make the argument that sex is an important part of a marriage and it works better for people to know if they are sexually compatible before they get married. Then again, people's sex lives can change over time no matter what, so even if a couple has a great sex life in the beginning, it doesn't mean there won't be bumps down the road, whether they waited or not.

I think people should have sex with someone when they feel ready. Don't worry about when that is according to anyone else's standards. Have sex when you are comfortable enough with the other person to be open and honest during your sexual encounter(s).

Searah is a sex educator and owner of Early2Bed. All members of AlphaWomen.com get 10% off of their online purchases when they type in ALPHA in the coupon code area when checking out! Visit Early2Bed.com today!

Kelly Says: What an interesting question! Why are we sluts at all? Why is it a woman who has had casual sex or a certain number of partners is a slut and a man who has done the same is considered a stud? Why the double standard?

How many are too many? I don't think there is a magic number that makes you go from woman to slut in 0-60 seconds. I think the answer lies within each of us and our own value system and way we look at sex. Some women want to wait until they are married to have sex and spend their lives having sex with just one person. Other women may not want to get married or be in a long-term relationship but enjoy sex and are comfortable with casual sex. Both of these and any variation in between are okay, as long as they are all of your own free choice. The secret is being comfortable with your own sexuality and sexual expression. We all need sex, affection and the touch of another person. In the reality of today's world that doesn't always come with a relationship. We know that sex is good for us. It makes us feel good, reduces stress, gives us endorphins and much more. It is a hard thing to do without. Yet still in 2008, some women have a hard time giving themselves permission to have sex without love or a relationship.

I think part of the answer to this is to ask your self what your motivation is for having sex with multiple partners. Is it because you recognize that you are a sexual being and have an honest desire for sexual expression with another person, i.e. do you just have the physical need to get laid? Or is because you secretly hope that one of these casual encounters will result in you finding Mr. Right and a long-term relationship? Or do you just enjoy dating more than one person and do not want to get serious but still want that itch scratched?

The bottom line is, you have to do what you are comfortable with. Then own it and make no apologies either way.

As for telling your number…that is something I am not in favor of. There are too many variables in that number and it could be misinterpreted as too high or too low. I doubt any man you are in a relationship with would find it just right. We all have a past with someone. But once you meet someone new, the past doesn't matter in the sense that if you want to be in a relationship then who came before is not the issue. The issue is moving into the future together. I don't need to know all the details of someone's dating history or sex history. I just need to know that it is part of what has shaped him into who he is and how he handles relationships. And I need to know that he has been tested for sexually transmitted diseases and HIV regardless of whether he has had one previous partner or 100.

I think waiting until you are married or not waiting is a personal choice that we all must make. Some wait for religious reasons, some because they like the idea of saving it for that one life partner. It is certainly acceptable, almost even expected, that one has sexual experience before marriage. However, today people are waiting until their 30's and even 40's to enter into a first marriage. That is a long time to wait! Personally, I don't know how people do it. When people got married when they were 14, 15, 16 years old it did not seem like a big deal to wait. It used to be common to get married right out of high school so again, people were pretty young.

And what about people who choose to stay single? Are they supposed to wait forever or just forever go without sex?

I think people who go into a marriage with some sexual experience have better sex lives in their marriage. There is a level of comfort that exists. Of course, the flip side is the people who report that entering into their marriage as virgins gave them a special closeness, as they learned about sex together.

As for how long one should wait before having sex, there is no magic time line. The only answer to that is to have sex when you both want to and feel comfortable taking your relationship to that level. For some it is a few days, for some a few months. There used to be a three-month rule that said you should wait for three months before you sleep with a man to make sure he respects you. I don't think that is necessarily true. I don't know if I would do it on a first date, but I think it is something that just gradually occurs as you date someone: some a lot less gradual than others. I would suggest waiting until you can feel him well enough to talk about it with him. You need to be able to discuss birth control and STD/HIV testing with someone, and I always say if you feel comfortable getting naked with someone and letting them touch the most sacred areas of your body, then you should be able to have this conversation with him. If you can't, then maybe you don't know him well enough yet.

Kelly Connell M.S.Ed., Ed.D(c) is a sexuality educator and consultant who is currently completing her dissertation for her Doctorate Degree in Human Sexuality Education. SexPertKelly.com

Dan Says: personally, I think I would wonder about a woman who had a number higher than 50, but that is me. Every guy is going to be different. It has more to do with how many women he has been with. If he has been with a lot, your number can be significantly higher; if he has only been with one or two people, anything over a dozen might be too high.

Personally, I don't have this conversation. I don't even entertain the question. My response is, "We as human beings have an incredible propensity for being self-masochistic. I don't want to know your number, it doesn't matter to me because the relationships you have had in the past, are just that, in the past. There is no right answer for this question. We will both say we are okay with whatever number the other has, but whatever answer it is, it will affect us."

Most gentlemen don't ask this question; I would recommend you stay far away from it as well. If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question. The question men ask that we really don't want to hear the answer to is about your ex's or new boyfriend's penis size. Just a tip: don't answer that question either!

The root of this question really is about what is a slut? Who is a slut? What makes them a slut?

As a man, what makes me think a woman is a slut is when she displays desperateness. A woman who dresses extremely provocatively yet shows no sign of desperation for men's sexual attention, even if she enjoys the attentions she does get, is not a slut. If a woman is forward with her sexuality yet shows she has choice and doesn't need any one man's attention--no desperation--I still don't see her as a slut. Being a slut is not about being sexually active. Being a slut is about showing that she needs that from a man in an obvious way, especially if she shows low standards for where that attention is coming from.

Dan created CharismaCoaching to help men and women learn the art of flirting, dating, and communication. When he is not writing on his blog CharismaTips.com or enjoying the search for his own relationship happiness he enjoys kiteboarding and staying outdoors and active in the San Francisco Bay area.

Tom Says: It is one of those unfortunate double standards. Women are the gatekeepers of sex--if the woman says “no,” then no sex--so I guess the thought is that women should be selective and respectful of their bodies and if that is not the case, then those women are “easy.” I suppose a girl should rely on herself or toys (just like men do when without a partner to play with) rather than find someone just to get some/satisfy her sexual desire. I suspect that if women--and men for that matter--only slept with those whose respect is first earned (and that takes a lot of time), then the numbers would be naturally low. I am not preaching complete abstinence by any means, but suggesting that women reign it in a bit to ensure self-respect and respect from men. That all sounds really self-righteous but the point I am trying to make is not… it is for the benefit of women so that potential Mr. Right is not turned off. With all of that, there are plenty of men who simply do not care and/or would not ask/would not want to know.

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